my 17y daughter just had a baby in dec. and then my 16y i guess was already pregnat when my grandbaby was born but then at christmas time i found out she had an abortion and then ran away from home but she dont want me to know about it she told her dad but not me. i dont understand how to feel about this.
i dont understand why she didnt tell me or why she ran away.
i am very upset. what should i do?
2007-02-07 12:48:03 · 20 answers · asked by N/A 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
did she run away before, after? has she come home? if not can you reach her/get in touch to talk?
I am sorry for the heartache you must be feeling... the confusion...
I do not know how your relationship (whether close or not) is with either of your daughters, or the circumstances/situation... given the info you have provided though it sounds like she got scared.... either of what she saw happening to her sister... or if she perceived you would be upset/angry with her... or even if she thought you might feel let down? the work involved even....?
whatever the reasons.... unfortunately this is one of those "live and learn" "what's done is done" going forward though... that is where you would want to be... because as you said... she went to her father (either before or after the fact?) but not you... and you raise a good question...
why not you? I would find a way and time to talk privately... tea, coffee... milk and cookies.. whatever has always been the comfort/secret sharing way she and you would have before this rift...
I think you would want to let her know that you found out about what has happened... tell her how hurt you are about her not trusting you or coming to you.... if you can and want, you need to let her know you are always there for her... that especially something like that you would want to help her.. that she is still and always wil be your baby... most importantly, let her know how much you love her...
ask her how she feels about her desicion and if there is anything she needs or wants to talk to you about regarding it all... stress your feelings/views on teen sex... and also that if she is going to play adult she has to be mature enough to 1) use safe and protective measures 2) accept the consequences of her actions... and responsibilities... also re-stress your own views again and if needed? again and again... and as many times? stress your love and you are there to listen, talk to... get advise from or not.... just to listen if she wants or needs...
her actions and not telling you?could sound like lack of faith or trust, I know..... but, I had a thought... that maybe, it could be that she was afraid of disappointing you either in her condition or actions leading to it? or maybe she thought you would talk her out of the choice she was making? because she loves, admires and respects you.... if you think about it,.. personally... I know the person I would try to not just hide from, but not want to look into the eyes of would be my mom.... because I would never want to see hurt or disappointment... and I respect her opinion over anyone's... so if she said to me "you can do it" I would believe her.. even if deep down I felt it was too hard...
it is a different point of view to explore... and a different feeling to carry with you until and when you get to talk to her...
the important thing now is the future... and if, heaven forbid, she is faced with another life altering choice along these lines again? you will want her close to be able to help her... to be there for her... and not be shut out.... if she ran away and is still gone? see if you can find her.. get to see her... or a message through her dad that you are not mad.. just hurt and would really like to see her, to know she is safe... to come home... to talk... if on the other hand she is home? sit her down alone and talk.... tell her how you feel.. ask her the questions you pose above... and let her know more than anger you were hurt.... and more than anything you want her to.. need her to come to you in the future for anything she is having a difficult time dealing with... from there just work daily at building/rebuilding a close bond between you and her.... lots of talks... time together as can be found....
lots of hugs too..
I would to add only one more thought to my very long answer here.... that is.... you have a lot of strength and love, your daughters are very lucky to have for mom.....remember that always....... good luck and god bless
2007-02-07 13:59:34 · answer #1 · answered by elusive_001 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I would talk to her about it and make sure that it was what she wanted to do. Then I would give her the money and go with her. I'm pro-choice and I can understand why a 15 year old would want to have an abortion. Though to be honest I would have spoken to her openly about sex a long time ago and educated her on birth control so hopefully she would never be in this position in the first place. Not even acknowleding her existance is harsh and unecessary. Yes she messed up but we all do. I may not be a parent but I believe that one of the worst things a parent could do is abandon their child at the moment when that child needs them the most. Besides, if I was your mother I would be a little worried that you're dating a guy 3 years older than you and that may not sound like much but three years is a MASSIVE difference when you're a teenager (think of a 13 year old versus a 16 year old). BQ: I support gay rights. Some of my closest friends are gay.
2016-05-24 05:02:36 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look at how you reacted (positive or negatively) towards the 17 year old when she brought home her news. If you were upset, then it is obvious- the 16 year old was scared and did the only thing that she could think of. If the reaction was positive, then maybe she was not ready and did not want you to put a guilt trip on her for making a different choice.
Either way, what is done is done, and you cannot blame yourself. Just try to talk things out with an open mind and remember her abortion was her choice- our government said a women has a right to choose.
Good luck.
2007-02-07 13:16:37 · answer #3 · answered by kam 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am SO sorry. Well, If it were my daughter I would probably feel the same way you do. She must be very independent, She might of felt she could do this on her own. being 16 is very hard. I remember. I don't know if you yell and scream, but I would try a different approach. Maybe go to eat with her one day, go to the mall, Hang out. Try to get closer to her. If I was close to my mom, she would have known alot more about me when I was 16. Tell her you love her, I bet she might just tell you one day. Try to improve your relationship with her. What is done is done. She already had the abortion, Now try to guide her to not make that mistake again.
Good luck, God bless, I hope I made sense.
2007-02-07 12:56:01 · answer #4 · answered by SerbMex 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
LOVE HER! sit her down and tell her that you wont let her get up untill she opens up-- if its only a little bit. tell her that you are sorry that you somehow made her feel as if she couldnt talk to you but now you are all ears and care about how she is doing mentally and emotionally and that you want to know as much as she will let you know and that you wont judge or punish her.
from the running away part it sounds like she is having a rough time and that she needs some help whether is a counselor (that a local health department could provide if you dont have the money for a therapist) or you. whe you go in for an abortion they are supposed to counsel you before to make sure you are ready... but not all clinics go by the books...especially when it is a young girl in a situation like that.
just make sure that you tell her that she is loved and not judged by her decision. if you are disapointed-- just tell her it hurt that you had to find out second hand and that the whole situation was a delicate one.
it was only a few years ago that i was 16. i hope this helps.
2007-02-07 13:18:19 · answer #5 · answered by christian_davis1985 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm a little surprised that almost no one here is addressing the fact that your daughter killed your grandchild. Perhaps that sounds harsh, but it is the truth, and I am very sorry for your loss.
Love does not support immoral behavior, and killing an innocent unborn child is immoral. Tell your daughter that while you love her, what she did was very wrong. Let her know that if she should become pregnant again, you will stand by her and help her do the right thing.
Please encourage your daughter to go for post-abortion counseling. You can find a post-abortion group in your area by calling 1-800-395-HELP. The best post-abortion program is one called Healing Hearts:
http://www.healinghearts.org
They have a free, online post-abortion study that is excellent. If your daughter signs up, she will be paired with an email counselor, most likely a woman who has aborted a baby herself. Or, you can check the website to see if a Healing Hearts study and support group is meeting in your area.
Again, I am sorry for your loss.
2007-02-10 00:14:36 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Let's look at what happened. Your daughter slept with a boy. Did you know she was sexually active? If you and your daughter have been regularly communicating, you would have known this. Has she ever used birth control? Do you know? If you and your daughter had been regularly communicating, you would know this. So this is really a problem of communication between you and your daughter. Can you accept your daughter unconditionally? Without judgment? Can you give her love because that is what she needs? Can you avoid attacking her, avoid criticizing her, avoid judging her for what she has done? She doesn't need judgment, criticism, attacks. Perhaps that is why she didn't tell you and did tell her father. Perhaps she feels her father will not be judgmental. So, examine your relationship with your daughter and work on that. Tell her you love her, you do not judge her, and that you will support her no matter what decisions she makes. Give her unconditional love and support. That would be a good beginning.
2007-02-07 13:04:40 · answer #7 · answered by judgebill 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The jug is already broken, there is no point in being angry with her. Just tell her that if she has a scarey decision to make in the future that she can always come to you for help and you will not be angry. Trust me you are not alone in having things like this happen. Just love her to death and tell her every day you do. I know your feelings were hurt and are, but it happens. Use this as a building block to make your relationship stronger, she must have been so scared, as I am sure you know and have many questions. Just give it time and her time to heal. I am sure she did not want this to happen, but it does. Sixteen is such a tough age to begin with , you think you know everything , but as we all know we do not know anything . Good luck and hang tough.
2007-02-07 12:58:27 · answer #8 · answered by messtograves 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes its harder to talk to one parent than the other. If she feels like she is going to disappoint you she would rather have the abortion then "runaway" from you and the problem. The best advise i can give would be to tell her you love her and ask her to come home. Also that you are there for her if she needs to talk about it or anything.
Now my son is only 4 but I have friends who have 15 yr olds I have noticed that the more open you are with communication the easier they find it to tell you stuff.
Hope this helps!
2007-02-07 13:27:41 · answer #9 · answered by preschoolmama 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first thing to do is to get her to an ob/gyn and make sure everything is physically okay with her. Then try some counseling. Address the issue the best way you can. She was obviously very frightened. Maybe seeing all of the anxiety associated with your 17 yr. old made her think she didn't want to add more stress and burden to the already complicated situation.
2007-02-08 04:45:31 · answer #10 · answered by GrnApl 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Keep on loving her. She's the child, you're the adult. Your feelings probably didn't figure into her decision and she's got enough on her plate without an extra helping of guilt. Is there anything in the way you reacted to your older girl's pregnancy and birth that could have let your younger girl to think she'd be a burden?
2007-02-07 13:05:24 · answer #11 · answered by Keztacular 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋