She has been living with this guy for 4 years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. He has a criminal history and has served time in the Department of Corrections. Now his brother is living with them. The brother also has an extensive criminal history and is currently on house arrest. I have talked to my friends mother and cousin, both of whom are afraid to say anything but feel the same way. Her mother is afraid she will lose her daughter if she speaks up. I am supposed to be the matron of honor, but I can't stand up with her and bless their marriage if I think it is a bad idea. My friend and I met in college, and are sorority sisters. I want to tell her I think she is making a big mistake but I am afraid she will get angry and marry him anyway. Any advice?
2007-02-07 12:31:50 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Sit back and relax and say a prayer !
Ummm,well,,,I think its worth a try to let her know how you feel.
Since a bunch of them live together in the same house - ask her if just the two of you could go out for a couple hours one night for hot chocklate or coffee.
This will give you a chance to be alone with her,and have a heart to heart talk. Just tell her how your feeling. You could start by saying something to the effect that you know its realy not your business,but your my friend and like a sister to me,and I am realy worried about you because.....................
and if you dont feel you can be the matron of honor,and give your blessings,then explain that to her as well.......
I am sure once you do,,you will feel a big relief,,,and if she still chooses to marry him anyway,well then you did your part and there is nothing more you can do
2007-02-07 12:39:41 · answer #1 · answered by country_girl 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
All you can do is support your friend. You are not supporting her marriage, nor her decisions, but support your friend. Say nothing here, because you'll lose a friend. Her loyalty right now, however misplaced, is in the man she's marrying, as it should be. Be her friend, and be there for her when the you know what hits the fan.
If you really can't stand by and watch her do this though, you probably shouldn't be in the wedding, but really think about what this will do to her. It will probably devastate her, and she doesn't deserve that from her friend, her sorority sister. If I were you, and this will be hard, I would suck it up and be in the wedding anyway. Wish her happiness--because you do, you want her to be happy, right? That's what this is all about, and if she thinks this is what will make her happy, then look at her and tell her that if that's what will make her happy, then you're happy for her. And mean it. Then keep her in your prayers, something tells me she'll probably need it.
I hope all goes well for her. I'm with you though, it sounds like bad news.
2007-02-07 20:39:14 · answer #2 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If NO ONE speaks up, then if she gets married to this guy, you won't be able say, "well I warned you". Seriously, tell her in a nice way that you don't feel good about her marrying this guy, and you are only telling her because you are her friend. If she gets mad and says that "if you were my friend you would support me in this" or some variation, say that BECAUSE you care about her you are telling her this. If she goes and marries this guy anyway, there isn't much you can do about it. Is she definitely set on this guy? IF she's not, telling her you think it's a bad idea might help her to decide not to marry him.
Sometimes however, people have to learn the hard way. She might know deep down inside he's wrong, but will do it anyway (maybe she thinks she won't find a better guy, or she's a creature of habit and is used to him, or she has bad taste in men).
2007-02-07 20:43:01 · answer #3 · answered by ANSWER MY QUESTION!! 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are a wonderful friend and a truly good person to feel this way. However, from my own past experience and general knowledge of human nature, I'd advise against telling your friend your true feelings unless she asks. If she asks, that's your opening, and it would probably mean she has her own doubts. If she doesn't ask, then either do your part in the wedding or don't, but make sure you're there for her if the marriage ever does go wrong. A true friend never says I told you so, but always has a shoulder and an understanding ear.
2007-02-07 21:35:40 · answer #4 · answered by Happy Wife 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She will get angry at you and marry him anyway; maybe you can go to lunch and start a conversation with, "are you sure this is what you want to do.....with his past history ...etc" Then somewhere in between the salad and dessert you are going to have to tell her that you understand she is an adult and has her life to live and decisions to make and you still want to be friends, but take being a Matron of Honor seriously and just can't do it At all costs to not accuse her of making a stupid mistake or in anyway use words that attack or you won't make it past the salad. Make it your issue not hers............
2007-02-07 20:40:01 · answer #5 · answered by abc 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
How has your friend been with this guy for four years and no one has cared enough to say anything? If he has a criminal history it doesn't mean he hasn't changed. He could be a good guy now. But if this is a situation that is unsafe for her, I am amazed her own family hasn't tried to remedy it. If she were my friend, I would tell her exactly how I feel. Tell her that it is because you love her and care about her that you are saying this. Tell her that you want her happiness, but you are concerned for her. She may not listen, and she may be angry at you, but someone has to have the courage to take the risk and show her they care enough. Good luck, sweetie.
2007-02-07 20:43:11 · answer #6 · answered by kalea_kane 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If she won't listen she will find out the hard way.
Then again sometimes a good woman can help turn the man's life around.
I would just let her know I am her friend .
Situations as this are never easy but she has to see for herself and time will tell.
It is your choice wether you be the matron of honour and it is ok to tell her how you feel .
Take care!
2007-02-07 20:39:07 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
don't tell her directly that you are against her marriage because she will likely be mad at you. try it this way. sometime when you are with her express your feelings about the situation but make sure that you also express to her that you are telling her these things out of that fact that you care and you just want to give her a heads up. this way you are not just saying "well i disagree with your marriage" because that is a bit blunt and it then makes you look like the bad person. this way you are doing it in a way that you can fully express your feelings without her getting really defensive. hope this helps. you are a great person for doing this for your friend. good luck.
2007-02-07 20:42:13 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shoulda said something A LONG TIME AGO!!!! My bestfriend also read ur description and we agree that we would smack the crap out of the other if it got even close!! Look, if she is truly ur bestfriend and u both love and trust each other she will not kick u to the curb if u tell her ur feelings. But remember that as females she will keep it in the arsonal of things to throw in face for the next 20 years!
2007-02-07 20:39:24 · answer #9 · answered by kilrblue 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Friends first......you should tell her. But make sure that you acknowledge her feelings, she is obviously in love with the guy. You don't want her to think you're just telling her don't do this, don't do that....she'll probably be defensive. Show compassion when talking to her. And I would definitely bring up the fact that her family is not at ease with this either.
Good luck with that.
2007-02-07 20:39:42 · answer #10 · answered by Jamie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋