How can I gently dicipline my boyfriend's 11 year old son?

Question

I need advice on how to say no without feeling mean, and how to provide little guidances on things that a single father doesn't notice, and I can't look past. Like picking his nose, talking with a mouthful of food, and respecting other people's things. I also need to set certain privacy boundaries. I just feel very uncomfortable telling him what to do, even though I am the "adult in charge" every night when his dad is at work. M
My boyfriend is very open when I bring up issues, but I would hate to bring nit-pickey things up every single day. I want to be able to handle these little things, but still let him deal with the heavy parenting.

Answer 1

It's not nit-picky. He sounds like he dosent respect you or the authoratative postiion that you are in. Then again, being 11, he wouldn't. And y should he? as far as he's concerned your just an intruder.

That being said, there is something vitally critically important to this process being successfull. The childs father has to be the main disciplinarian in his life. If the childs father want you to be in charge, HE has to let HIS son know that you have his complete and total support.

What does this mean? The two of you, (Two authority figures) have to sit down and talk about EXACTLY what needs to be done in these situations, big and small. Then the childs father, with you there, has to let the child know what is going on, and how this is going to affect his life. Then you have to follow this plan consistenly, and completely. Failure to be consistent undermines your authority with the child, and your mates faith in your ability to follow through with your commitments to him.

It wont be easy. The child will fight at first. He is probably very wise in his own eyes at 11, after all. Be resolute. That dosent translate as mean, unloving, unforgiving, discouraging, or anything of that sort by the way, because its also important for you to be available when he needs you, guide him through hard things hes going through when he will accept it from you... He's going to be going through puberty soon, thats always a hard time. Girls, peer pressure, everything gets turned up a notch. Fortuneatly, your success here is what will give him respect for you and not just the authority his dad gave you.

Finally, im not there, and cant obseve the dynamic perhaps your just being nitpicky. Get help if you need it, and find a qualified source. Im just an uneducated lout. Most of the people on here probably are. Good luck with your search for help

Answer 2

Feel free to set the privacy boundaries. "That is not acceptable" or "that is not socially acceptable" are terms that you'll use. Talk to him about hygiene. Use a tissue for your nose. Most people get colds because they shake hands or touch something and get germs and then they touch their face. When you pick your nose you're giving germs a good chance to give you a cold.

Don't expect him to change. These are habits and will take a MINIMUM of 3 weeks to break. You might try a reward rather than nagging. "If you can go through the whole meal without talking with food in your mouth I'll put a dollar toward a new Nintendo game." You could earn a new game in 3 weeks, which is how long it takes to break a habit.

Answer 3

Firstly I think you need to make sure your stepson understands you are the other parent in charge and you have the authority from his dad to make the rules. He needs to visibly support you and you need to support him. All three of you need to be together to discuss this.

Then, you need to pick your battles. You're right, you can't nitpick every single thing that you want to change right off the bat. Deal with the big issues first, like respecting other people, following rules, etc. Hygiene and courtesy are important, but each bit can be tackled as it comes up and seems relevant.

Have a family conference to come up with some family rules all together. Use the expression "In our family we..." to start statements. Get your stepson to contribute to the list. Have some fun with it (you can even make up silly rules that no one would ever break anyway, like 'In our family we....don't put a saddle on the cat and take it for a ride to the park').

Good luck!

P.S. Enforcing structure and boundaries is not being 'mean'.

Answer 4

the first step - come to a call what the 11 three hundred and sixty 5 days old desires to do to earn your note of and appreciation. you're the parent, and he desires to comprehend that. do not attempt to be his pal or pal even as dad's away. His acquaintances isn't your friends. Write down straight forward guidelines, for example, doing homework. Does he surely artwork on it? praise him. Does he breeze via it? Nope, that couldn't do. He desires to study a thanks to earn. As corny because it sounds, some youthful ones areraised with the concept they are SO smart and discover existence really uncomplicated that existence will supply them a house and funds to proceed to exist. that's the worst element a parent can do. He ought to comprehend he desires to fit in to attain ends up in existence. some factors of existence will be a kind of self expression. Others are disgusting by technique of maximum criteria, (picking his nostril) and no one will evaluate the type of baby as mature or responsible. once you've your list, earlier you supply it to hom, flow over it with Dad. became there something too harsh? refer to him and be sure he will back you 110%. Then both one among you refer on your son. GL!

Answer 5

Mention the behaviour is a way that draws his attention to it but will not humiliate him or in a way that makes it sound like an order. If he picks his nose, say something like "Girls hate it when boys do that!" in a confidential kind of way, like you are giving him advie or something. This way he sees that you notice it and hopefully will be slightly embarased. As for privacy, just make it a rule to enforce certain boundaries consistently. Not in a mean way, just in a "everyone needs their personal space" kind of way. Eventually it will sink in. Just don't be harsh or dictatorial about it since that invites rebellion and resistance.

Answer 6

If it's not your kid, you really shouldn't be saying anything to the kid. Just make your list and bring it to your bf. As far as nose picking goes, you could just sweetly say to the boy that it's not a good idea to do that because we have so many germs on our hands that when we pick our nose it opens us up to getting sick. Explain that he should use a tissue and wash his hands afterwords. Don't embarrass him, just offer him a tissue every time you catch him. You could also explain to him about the social stigma attached to picking your nose. The other things really need to be directed to the boys father or else this child will end up resenting both of you. Good Luck!

Answer 7

Feeling mean or feeling bad about it is all about parenting. If you have to help raise his kid, he needs to make sure the boy knows you are boss when he's not there. If he don't put a stop to it there's nothing you will be able to do. The son needs to know you are in control and it's the father's responsibility to make him understand that.

Also, I don't think it would be a good thing to reward him for being a good boy. Being good is what is expected. It is not an accomplishment.

Answer 8

Its not your place, and if your boyfriend isnt doing it then he shouldnt be your boyfriend. A good father takes care of that kind of thing and you shouldnt be involved with a man who doesnt discipline his child which is a sign of disrespect to you. Of course you will ignore this fact until your about to get a divorce from him and you will think back to this message and wish you would have listened to me.

Answer 9

i had to look after a twelve year old girl for about 6 months, and she was generally well mannered, except for eating with her mouth open. i said if she liked my cooking and wanted me to keep giving her food she should show some respect and eat it nicely.

Also for the 'its not your place' comments.. if its your place to be looking after him every night, then i think its your right to teach him values you agree with if his father isnt going to, after all, you're not just a babysitter are you?

Answer 10

That is a tough one but do all you guys live together if so and he works then I think you have every right to displine him. He has to know the boundaries. Talk to your bf then see if you can talk to the child.