How can i deal with my family issues?

Question

My mom, dad and brother get in blow outs constantly about how my brother is a bad kid and crap like that. He really is a good kid, he doesn't smoke, drink, and he's never had a girlfriend or anything. He's eighteen and has his own car. they are mad because he goes out with his friends like once in a blue moon. They (parents) are so strict, i'm not allowed to wear pants to school, and i'm from a muslim family, but all my other muslim friends wear pants, so i decided to borrow some from a friend. my mom found out aboiut them and totally went histerical!!! she said i have no self respect and all that. plus she read my diary and got mad because of the guy i like, she thinks that liking guys is a sin and crap like that but its really not, because all the other muslims i know are allowed to do things when i can't even wear a pear of pants without getting yelled at. my dad says i don't show any respect for my mom but i do, i do all her chores and translate, how can i deal with all this?

Answer 1

Sit down, and have a respectfull conversation with your mom. Make an agreement between you two, that you will not argue nor raise your voice during the conversation.

Explain to your mum, that you love your parents, and your religion, but you want more freedom, the freedom that any modern woman should have. And that she should respect you for that.

Talk to a guidance conselour at school about it, or someone within your faith that is on your side, better yet, have your mother meet with your friend who is also Muslim, but yet wears pants.
Let her see that you are a normal girl, and can practice your beliefs just as well in a pair of jeans as you can in a dress or skirt.
If you want some more help, really feel free to email me, at [e-mail]
Im a pretty level headed person, and I think I can give ya some more advice if you ever need it!
-Fiona xx

Answer 2

Have you tried having a genuine talk with your parents? I am a firm believer in compromise. You and your parents obviously want different things. But what if you suggest that you come to an agreement, that you'll not wear pants to school, and they stay away from your diary? Or any agreement you'd prefer...just something to where you are both having to give in, so there's not one of you feeling angry that you can't get what you want. With both of you feeling like you have no control over what's going on, it will literally never get anywhere. And at the same time you try to compromise, remind them that you are an individual, and believe in your religion, but that you have slightly different opinions about it. And as with any religion, there will always be different views or opinions about it. And how you interpret the details is up to you. It really is. As hard as it may be, remain calm, and honest. I hope this helps in some way.

Answer 3

Okay.........you're very young and, believe it or not, you still need adult perspective. Consider talking with an adult who has no connection to your family. In order to get the best feedback, be COMPLETELY honest about what is gnawing your bones and what your parents are grinding on you about. Give both sides of the story (which, by the way, demonstrates maturity) and be prepared to hear the answer. The answer may be that you are right in one aspect and wrong in another. A dispassionate party can ferret out the truth quickly. A school guidance counselor is a GREAT place to start. My parents said such a thing to me and I took them at their word. A year later I moved out at graduation and married the first man I lived with, having little faith in myself and had the most disastrous, abusive marriage imaginable (guns, knives, drugs, you name it). When queried by my parents why I left home when I did, I told them it was because they told me I had to. They don't remember ever saying that and are appalled to this day that I took them seriously. Be clear with your parents that they're sending a message that isn't very supportive and is an easy out for them. You'll try not to force their hand if they try to see your perspective, limited though it may be. It would be ideal if they could encourage your decision making skills and foster growth with boundaries AND support.

Answer 4

Wow, are they ever uptight. It's tough raising kids today in this nutty world but they are taking it to the last degree here. They need some counsel ling and positive feedback from your teachers and parents friends...for reassurance. Perhaps they are too isolated themselves and need to get out an mix with other parents. You sound like great kids to me and they are pushing you both out the door and don't realize you need your own space, friends, creativity, expressions and whatever of your own. Sure, they love you but are very fearful and it is not justified and therefore irrational. Irrational fears is their problems. Take it slow, be gentle with them...they are suffering from the unknown and just hug them a lot and tell them so. You are both entering the adult world and need to proceed cautiously but without the burden of carrying all their mental baggage...else they will stunt your mental and emotional well being.

Answer 5

There's nothing you can do about your parents. All they are doing is pushing you away from both them and your religion. When you're old enough, you will make your decisions. Be prepared to loose them though. I hope this doesn't happen. You're just getting very Americanized. Your parents will always wonder where they went wrong and you and your brother will always wonder why they couldn't lighten up. I'm sorry but there is just no easy answer here. It sounds like just talking to them is getting neither of you anywhere.

Answer 6

It's too bad there is fighting and arguing in your family but that happens in every family. I had that while growing up and now I won't stay around people who fight and argue. I can do that as as adult paying my own way. Unfortunitely you have to endure it while living at home. I don't know much about the Muslim faith but it seems your parents are devote Muslim and you won't change there ways. You live in a diverse culture in America and are influenced by many things. I suppose you have to abide by your parents' rules for now. Later you will make your own choices. Most kids in the U.S. are raised under their parents' religion until they are 18 and then "freedom of religion" becomes an issue with them. Good Luck.

Answer 7

I know running away from you're problems isn't the best why to resolve problems... but that can be a option....
as long as you have you re brother your not that bad... it could be worse...
I think you should try and be the best you can so you gain trust, if that doesn't work show yourself sad in front of your parents ... it not very honest but what your parentes are doing if much worse ... if that doesn't work talk to them ... that is bound not to work... but keep trying ... hid you diary well, just use pants are be very careful on false step... think when your 18 you can find your own place!!!

Answer 8

It sounds to me like you want to live a little more American than your family would like for you to do and that is why they are angry and think you are being disrespectful. In their eyes and because of your religion and the way they believe it is disrespectful to them and there is probably no way of changing their minds. How to deal with it is an answer only you will be able to figure out for yourself. Maybe someone who shares your religion will be able to help you. Have you tried to sit down with your parents and have a heart to heart talk with them and explain to them how you feel? If not, maybe you should try, but this might just anger them more, but if you continue to sneak behind their backs it will only cause more family problems.
I hope you can resolve your problem. Good Luck.

Answer 9

I went through rough times with my family too. By the time I was 20, I had to leave. They were so strict that I couldn't grow into the adult I was meant to be. Your parents are very strong in their beleifs and the chance of them changing are very slim.

You have top be strong and plan for your future. Just hang in there. The years go by fast, and just know that if you want the more modern life style, you'll have to be the one to take control and make it happen. Unfortunately, it won't be under their roof.

Also, if you plan to go to a University, live on campus. After you figure out what it is like to have freedoms, you'll figure out how and when you'll move out on your own. But know, that if your parents are paying for your education, there is a price for it and you'll need to follow their rules.

Be respectful, and patient. Pave the way for your future. Trust me, adulthood comes at you fast!

Answer 10

Your family may need counselling, either regular counselling or perhaps counselling from the muslim community.

Remember your family made sacrifices for you, but that is no reason for them to go through your things. I think you should be able to wear pants and like boys, but that's my own opinion, and I'm not Muslim.

It seems like there's a lot of hostility and unresolved anger. I think you need to be open with your mum more, talk to her and be as honest and you can stand to be. I know this is hard, especially for young children, but it really might help.

Parents are strict, but think, they may be doing (most of it) for your own good. However, it seems like they are trying too hard to protect you from things you already know. You are not a baby, you are growing and learning new things. It's hard for parents to accept that, especially when they've been sheltered growing up.

Talk. Be open. Have a line of communication. Do something with everyone in your family. You have nothing to prove to them if you are a good kid, but you have everything to prove to yourself. By hiding things from them, it makes it easier for them to go through your things.

As for your brother, I'm afraid there's not much you can do about their fights. He's eighteen. Just spend time with him and be open with him as well.

Take on more responsibility. It might make a difference.

Hope everything goes well!!