No people skills, please help?

Question

Hi, I desperately need help with a problem that I've had for a very long time. I have absolutely no people skills. I have trouble opening up to people and I get nervous when I'm talking. I try so hard to smile and be a good person, but I guess I always fail. People constantly walk all over me. I really hate this. I hate not having any friends. I'm amazed that my girlfriend even loves me and stays with me. I have no confidence, and I am sure people sense that. I grew up in an abusive household where talking was not an option. My mom always told us to keep our mouths shut, so we wouldn't upset my stepdad. I spent 6 years of my life smoking and drinking. I've quit both for over one year now, but it seems like I'm stuck in the same rut. I just want to be able to smile and have a great sense of humor like I once did. I miss the days where I could laugh at anything. I am very intelligent in the sense of "book smarts," but I lack everything else. Any advice?

Answer 1

I don't know if they still offer these - but Dale Carnegie used to offer classes around the country called "how to win friends and influence people" Try to see if you can find his book with the same title

Answer 2

I totally understand, i grew up the same way. But i guess in an opposite way I built a double face trying not to show how bad my home life was. Deep inside I was lonely and didn't have many friends, if i did, i was SUPER picky of who I chose as a friend. When speaking to people I could never look them in the face, look them in the eyes, I felt they could see the truth.

The way I overcame this enough to not so much trust people but became able to be more social is through psycho-therapy. Not just that but I enrolled in public speaking classes. I made an effort, for everytime I spoke to anyone, to look them in the eyes. ( I did started doing this when a person I was talking to told me, talking to me was like talking to a blind person) because I never looked them in the face, or eye to eye.

Anyways, you still have to be cautious about the friends you choose. We tend to get hurt more easily and wonder how someone could love us after what we have been through, even though it was not our fault. Talking to a therapist has helped the most. I've learned alot about myself and how I am, and why I am the way that I am. Also how I can over come things I don't like about myself that need improvement.

So overall I do recommend with all my heart to at least give therapy a try. Find someone who you really can trust. I takes time opening up to them (the therapist) but just know they do NOT judge you. They are there to listen and give you advise. Not judgement!

I hope the best for you and know you are not alone. We are many and we overcome things at different times. It's your time and you can do it!

Answer 3

Don't try too hard, Honey. Have a little faith in yourself. And if you find yourself in a situation where you HAVE to interact on a social basis with a lot of people, to borrow a line from a movie: "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead!"

Like you, I spent a sizable fraction of my life in an abusive household. And I learned to not talk. But, I did learn to find things to laugh about.

Did you- or do you- have any favorite comedy movies or similar shows? Take a little time to watch them, if you do. Watch them with your girlfriend. In your reading, did you see people or things that you admire? Try modelling yourself after these things that you think are good.

You may even want to get counseling, or check around your area to see if you can find an assertiveness training course.

Changes won't happen overnight. But you may find you are happier.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Are there any activities that you enjoy that involve people? You might want to find something that interests you and find a group that meets. Another option would be going to a toastmaster's meeting, they deal with speaking infront of people and what not.

Another thing you might want to do is create a blog and write about your feelings and what you can do to make things better. Believe it or not, also being online in a chatroom also helps develope some skills. Although, I'm sure that I'm going to sound lame here, it helped me feel better about myself for being able to talk to people online (and not see their faces). I was able to go from that to dealing with people in the public eye (ie work, clubs, etc).

But, anyways, don't be afraid of what people might think of you. Just don't let them have the right to walk all over them. If it helps, try acting as if you have the confidence, because I'm sure your gf sees something in you or else she wouldn't be with you.

Don't be afraid of speaking to people.

Answer 5

oh my gosh, I am the same way....but there was once a time when i wasn't afraid of people, and when i had many friends, and was pretty happy, and you know when that time was??? WHEN I WAS CONFIDENT!!!!!! you will never be at ease with people unless you trust them, and are being yourself and have confidence and pride about yourself. gain some confidence, and self-esteem. now i don't mean go out and start becoming mr. conceited, i mean just start doing things that build confidence, like finding good things about yourself and not listening about negative statements that people may say or may have said to you in your life. try doing things for yourself like dressing better, being clean, doing well at your job and/or school, and just practice talking to people. next time you see someone in talking distance, say hello and spark up a conversation. you'll never know how the water feels unless you stick your feet in. i'm practicing these things myself. i used to drink a lot, too, to try to ease my nervousness around people, and it worked, but once i became sober again, my temporary confidence just flew out of the window! but i think confidence and high self-esteem are the keys. just think of all of the people who were popular in your high schools, etc. did they have low self-esteem? probably not. they had pride and self-respect. nobody is better than you, and anyone who thinks they are is stupid anyway, so why would you want to be their friend? good luck!!!!

Answer 6

Surround yourself with positive people. When you are comfortable, which may take a long while, then open up to them and tell them why you are as you are and they can help you open up to the world. For a time in your life, you were a victim. That time is over. NOW you are a volunteer to keep allowing this to keep you down. Stand strong, you CAN overcome this.

Answer 7

it sounds much like you were unsocialized in your younger life and don't know how to act around other people, this is very common around younger people these days because the were "latch key" kids when they were younger. you don't sound antisocial because you want to communicate with other people. you get over your problem by being around other people, just get out and do different things, join a club get a hobby, stay away from TV and staying home. it will take a while but you'll get over it, if not seek counseling