How do I help my loser brother?

Question

I have a younger brother. I'm the oldest of 4, he's the youngest. He was a tough kid, always challenging everything and evrybody. Fastforward... He tried college. In 8 years that he spent while my parents were supporting him financialy, he wasn't able to complete a stupid degree. They kicked him out. He's held numerous jobs, the longest lasting about 2 months. He quits everything after 1-2 weeks. He lives with my parents. He is leached on to them.

It hurts to see him waste his life away like this. He has potential seriously. He's good with music and languages but I have a feeling he's anti-social.

I talked to him. I think he has problem w/alcohol which he denied and accused me of being crazy. We had the worst argument I've ever had w/ anybody in my life. He blames everybody but himself.

I also suggested geting a psychiatric help. He thought I was "stupid." He is so negative, I'm 90% sure he suffers from depression.

I could go on and on...
How do I help him? I do want to help him!

Answer 1

He hasn't hit rock bottom yet. That is what will have to happen before he wakes up and get help. Don't enable him in any way. Only he can make the changes he needs.

Answer 2

You or anyone else will NOT help him until he quits being in denial that HE has a problem and not someone else. He must admit or acknowledge that he has a drinking problem, depression problem(alcohol is a depressant, so if he IS depressed and drinks this will only compound the problem) plus can't shoulder any responsibility for his own actions and always blames others. Until this happens or he is jailed or left to die, he will not realise this. Your parents are NOT doing him any good by enabling him. (Enabling is kind of like supporting his negative self and such by helping him NOT to support himself, complete education, etc.) They MUST stop. Cut off ALL funds and a place to live. Give him a time frame to get his shhte together. Then it is sink or swim. He knows he has a safety net in them. It will be tough for them, but it is the ONLY way to FORCE him to stand up and take notice. No One must help him. He must do it on his own. ONLY then will he realise he has a p[roblem when there is nobody there to catch him or pick up the pieces for him.
Tough Love. Once he gets help (and don't let him start AA or counseling for 1 week and then think he is o.k.) you may step in and offer support. He will NOT get better over night. he will probably start a treatment program and if someone takes him in again or pays for him he will not complete the program either. HE MUST BE MADE TO REALISE HE HAS A PROBLEM(S). I would not give him more than a month or 2 at most. They need to tell him to get help and stick with the help or never darken their doorstep again. 2 months is enough time to find a job and get an apartment and start treatment.

Answer 3

your the oldest girl.... he the youngest boy.

so far your attempt is a natural scenerio - - - your job to point out the error of his ways, his job to hurl horrid insults about women at you.

I'm the youngest of my nuclear family & my aunt a number of years ago turned me onto a good book called "the birth order book' ... it has a strong christian leaning to it - - so take that for what it is worth.

ok..... you want to help - again, your job.

How ? sorry - - you can't. that is rather bottom line and don't play oldest educated sister with me ( ha ha ha )

My first suggestion is that you talk to your parents. It sounds as if they need to be convinced that they are not helping him. Since he is an adult, and a man at that (please dont take that wrong) he needs to learn to swim on his own & so get his own place and pay his own bills. This will be tough, yes - - - but he has to choose to fix himself.

Perhaps a family meeting, intervention style. Have at the meetings the information for resources ie A.A. and the local mental health clinic. Perhaps lighten the blow by having family pitch in for 2 months worth of rent and therapy.

After that he needs to get his own place & start to become his own man.

Short of this (based on your write up of the years and parent's expense for college) it will only stay the same until mom and dad pass on & he may weasel his way into creating disfunction in the families of his siblings.

This is for sure a very long term situation - again based on the years of the college scenerio - best timing will be 2.5 years before he really has his act together.

Answer 4

I would suggest that you are probably correct that he needs psychiatric help, possibly he has a personality disorder (you might check out the website for the National Alliance on Mental Illness, http://www.nami.org/, or what Web MD has to say about personality disorders, http://www.webmd.com/search/search_results/default.aspx?query=personality+disorder&x=32&y=12 ).

Since your brother won't go to see a psychiatrist, I would suggest that you go see a psychiatrist to find out how you can best help your brother, and what you can and can't do. Of course a psychiatrist isn't goint to diagnose your brother in absentia, but if you describe some of your brother's problems to him and ask him how you can best deal with your brother, he can assist you in a general way, and perhaps give you some ideas about how you might be able to persuade your brother to get help.

I suggest you enlist your parents and your siblings in this effort. Maybe your parents are perfectly happy having him stay with them now, but they aren't going to live forever. And then what happens with your brother?

This is exactly what I'm dealing with now. I have a brother with a personality disorder, and my parents never dealt with the issue. My mom is dead and my dad is in an assisted living home, and I'm having to deal with getting my brother help he should have gotten 25 years ago.

Go see a psychiatrist and see what he suggests. And good luck to you.

Answer 5

This is sort of something he has to deal with on his own. If he is denying he has a problem then you have no leg to stand on. First off calling him a loser doesn't help anything. You just need to make him aware as well as the rest of the family that no matter what you guys will be there for him. First stage is denial, be glad that has kicked in...the rest will follow in time. Do not push him.

Answer 6

you aren't really going to be able to help him until he hits rock bottom. he has to experience this before he will wake up and realize what he should be doing. i know what you are thinking and that is "isn't what hs is going through rock bottom for him?" the answer is no. as low as he is right now, he can still go lower. there comes a time in people's lives that are like this when they realize "hey, what have i done with my life?, where have all the years gone?, am i happy with who i have become or have i fallen short?. when this happens, he has hit rock bottom because he now realizes that he has made a lot of mistakes in his life and that he needs to correct them. this is the time when he needs strong people behind him to support and guide him to help him succeed this time around. give him some time. with some people it takes years. just give him support in every way you can and never give up on him. hope this helps. good luck.

Answer 7

Well you can see the answer in your title question: "How can I help my loser brother?". First of all stop calling him a loser. He probably hears that all the time and your parents probably set really high standards for him and he didn't meet them so he probably does feel like a loser. He sounds like he is still a kid at heart so treat him like one and talk to him asking what he would like to do when he grows up. I'm serious with that...he's probably thinking right now that no one appreciates him so he turns to whatever makes him feel better. Just hang out with him, be a sister...ask HIM what HE wants to do. Take it one step at a time and eventually you'll see what is really bothering him. It'll come out once you start acting like a friend to him.

Answer 8

There's nothing you can really do about it because your younger brother has chosen to travel down on the wrong side of the road! Your younger brother needs to start taking full responsibilities for his actions and stop blaming others for his mistakes and his stupidity! I understand that you want to help your younger brother, but this is something that he has to do for himself if he's willing to change his ways! Other than that, continue to be there for him and support him if he decides to change his life. Good luck!

Answer 9

It's really nice that you want to help. Sometimes people just have to learn the hard way and he appears to be one of them. Go about your life and don't give attention to his situation-he probably likes that you are fussing over him. He is the only one who can change himself. I would encourage your parents to stop supporting him-try some "tough love". Give him a deadline to get a job and get out.

Answer 10

First of all stop calling him your loser brother. I'm sure that doesn't help. Secondly: How old is he like 20 something? If he is good with languages and music, maybe you should convince him to do something w/ that. I recommend also not telling him he needs a phyciatrist, because that would just annoy him.