My nieces were both sexually abused by their father, they are now ages 17 and 15. The abuse took place over most of their life and the details are horrific. I am so proud of them for coming forward. They started the process of filing charges in August. The process is taking a long time and it could be a year or more before he ever goes to court. Their grandma is pressuring them to stop the charges and their father is threatening to commit suicide if they testify. They are starting to buckle under the pressure of guilt and fear for their father. They don't want to be responsible for his death or what he may suffer in prison, but they don't want him to hurt anyone else again. The girls know of seven others that he has hurt, and they are unsure if these girls will testify. What advice would you give these girls?
2007-02-07 05:17:04 · 19 answers · asked by It'sJustMe 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Having had an abusive father myself.I feel for them and the pressure the family puts on you to let things slide.But they have to do this not only for the others he hurt but to prevent other girls from facing the same.I know it is hard to hear him treaten to kill himself and that they don't want to feel responsible for his death.But to start with most people whom make threats like that are never going to carry them out they are just doing it for the attention.Has the saying goes it is the quite ones you have to worry about.Besides why should they care if he offs himself.He had not regard for them or their lives when he was abusing them all that time.I don't understand why if they pressed charges they are talking to him or the grandmother I am assumming it is his mother.If she can't support her grand kids in their hour of need she is no better then he is.They need to refuse to talk to their dad and if he tries to contact them have him charged with witness tampering.He is trying to intimadate them into not testifing by making the threats he has been making.If they back out now they will regret it for life.The demons he caused will always be with them but they can be tamed.However if they back out now and let him get away with what he has done to them.They will never be able to scilense those demons.You may not understand what I mean but they do.If they were abuse has you said they were.Then they know what I mean.They have those little voices in their heads that won't let them trust anyone because of the fear letting someone get close will open you up to being hurt again.The ever present nagging thougt why did he do this to me what did I do wrong to deserve this.If they go forward with processution then atleast they will know that they stood up for themselves that and that he no longer controls them.Good luck to your Nieces they are going to need it.
2007-02-07 08:38:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a very difficult question to answer.
Weren't they advised by the Crown NOT to have contact with their father during this time?
He shouldn't be able (direct or indirect through grandma) to inflict any more mental strain on those girls.
First and foremost you must think of the mental health of those young women. They are scarred and most likely blaming themselves for everything that has happened to them and the other girls.
These girls need a getaway, somewhere they can forget the upcoming case, forget their grand-mother and father be able to focus on themselves.If you as their Aunt can help this, contact the person(s) in charge of the ongoing case and find out if you (or someone close and trustworthy) can get them away for a while.
Rent a cabin in the country side, or go on a trip and visit friends and relatives (ones who don't have a biased opinion and won't be "walking on broken glass" around them)
Do something for a couple week/months to help them alleviate,unwind and accept the long trials ahead of them.
Then when they say they are ready bring them home.
Keep in mind this is only a temporary fix, and when they do come back to reality, it will be another emotional strain.
From there always make sure they get "away" time to breath for a week-end or a day away from the pressures.
Should they testify, this depends solely on them, they need to talk to an outside party they trust and feel unpressured to decide.
In the long run, testifying may be the beginning to help them re-adjust to life.
Or not testifying may make them blame themselves less.
this process can take as long as 10 years depending on evidence, postponements and setting availible dates for hearings.
2007-02-07 05:34:32 · answer #2 · answered by arcticraven77 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The grandmother is being abusive emotionally and mentally. She is trying to manipulate and control the situation. She needs to be told to back off.
The two girls never deserved to be sexually abused and the father should be punished. Encourage them to keep going forward so they can put him in custody so he cannot hurt another child. Tell them they are doing the right thing.
Also anyone who wants to commit suicide will find a way to try. Someone who commits suicide is the ONLY one to blame. Many people use the threat of suicide to get their way. The girls should try to step back and see the whole picture. Their father and grandmother is trying to control them by using guilt so he does not get into trouble. They would NEVER be responsible for his death, unless they killed him directly.
Your nieces are very lucky to have an understanding and encouraging aunt. You should be proud of them. They will need all the support, love, and reassurance from you and other close family members. I would encourage them to limit how much they are around their grandmother too.
2007-02-07 05:27:31 · answer #3 · answered by Erica, AKA Stretch 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Break my heart!!!!?
Explain over and over and over,,,, what emotional blackmail is. Explain, that grandma and thier father are using emotional blackmail on them both, to save thier own face,,,,or whatever you want to call it...
Thier father has caused enough pain and sorrow, they know what this feels like,,,,,they know 7 other girls have suffered, I am convinced,,, they would not wish this on anyone else.
Grandma can just get the hell out of thier face as far as I can see!
If one of my kids ever grew up to be an offender, then they would just have to take the consequences, because I KNOW they knew better than to cause such grief...
It's (sadly) normal under such gross circumstances, as the girls will be having such a horrendous time of this,, that they will be easily swayed to go the way of "pleasing" everybody and not want to give even further pain than has already been caused...
Please just remind them that, first of all, they should not even BE in this position but as they are, they have support; first in yourself and, I hope, thier Mother, or is that a moot point?! Besides the courts must surely offer the chance to begin to right the many wrongs that have transpired.
These days there are so many programmes available for perps, that perhaps that can be a persuasion for them, that thier father, although he will/"should" go to jail for his heinous crimes, can recieve therapy,,, to the point that he may even be able to see the "error of his ways"hmmmph!! One lives in eternal hope.....
My heart bleeds for you all in this most horrible time,,, No amount of advice I can give will be "it", how Iwish it could be different.
If I only had a magic wand,,,,, have no doubt as to what I would do with that little beauty!!!
I wish you all, the speediest of return to 'normalcy' Go well.
2007-02-07 06:26:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Of course they should testify but even having to testify is going to be extremely difficult. Court moves along painfully slow and the longer it takes, the more the girls are going to suffer. I was going nuts after 6 weeks of waiting for a motion for visitation. I truly feel sorry for these girls...they were abused by their father and now they are being abused again by the legal system. I don't think that people understand how hard it is to live with that kind of pressure everyday until they experience it for themselves.
Please get their guardian to get them some counseling to deal with this.
2007-02-07 05:54:27 · answer #5 · answered by J D 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are doing the right thing! Think of it this way ....... how many other girls has he hurt? And you are the only two standing up for yourselves! You are two very strong young ladies! As for their grandma maybe she should be in court also! Maybe she can explain why she does not want them to testify! All and all you guys are doing the right thing! And trust me i know that its hard! I went through the same thing and I KICK MYSELF IN THE A** EVERYDAY FOR NOT SPEAKING UP! You two have got to very strong through all this and keep your head up! In the end it will be worth it!
2007-02-07 06:36:54 · answer #6 · answered by HaZeLeYeZ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes he is a sick man. Tell grandma people like her are just as bad as people like her son. Get these girls in therapy . They are not responsible for his death or what may happen in prison. He is responsible for his actions he caused this not them. My advice is they need to go forward no matter how hard it is so this abuse dose not continue.
2007-02-07 09:59:19 · answer #7 · answered by Kat G 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell them to be brave. He didn't care that he hurt them he was only thinking about him self. So tell them whatever happens to him in prison he deserves. And if he commits suicide its because he can't stand all the guilt. Keep the charges against him. Goodluck.
2007-02-07 05:28:15 · answer #8 · answered by Dolphin 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
To be strong and see that their father is brought to justice. If I were you, I would limit all contact that these girls have with their grandmother and father. They are hurt and confused right now. They need to know that not only are they saving many other girls, from their father, but they are saying to themselves and to the world that they are survivors not victims. Tell them that if their father does get hurt in jail or does kill himself, that it is not their fault, and that they did the right thing. This will start the healing process.
Take care, my prayers will be with your family.
2007-02-07 05:23:30 · answer #9 · answered by Chrystal 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Be there for her. you do not might desire to take finished value. Be her help. She isn't comfortable with it. She only says she is with the help of the fact she is a million. afraid to open up and a pair of. she does not opt to look susceptible. unquestionably, only love her and make her sense solid. And if she ever talks to you approximately it, permit her be attentive to she has a extra sensible destiny again for her and specially permit her be attentive to it is going to all be ok. help her have desire and have desire along with her! sure it rather is a terrible subject, yet regrettably you would be unable to do lots in this subject. do not deliver it up lots. You be her escape from all of it!
2016-09-28 13:30:15 · answer #10 · answered by bebber 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋