Need Direction in Moving on?

Question

I got out of a very long term relationship w/someone I had plan to marry. I felt I was strung along for too long, to the point where her words didn't coincide with her actions. I know I deserve better but its very rough. I also know it takes time, b/c you need to build a new history to counteract the old history. In the interim, I am scared, but I am forcing myself to interact. I know in time things will get better, but I am having a really hard time right now. I am seeing a therapist. I feel as though I gave so much that I lost my identity and I am trying to do fix myself. But I have no sense of direction on how to do so. For me nothing makes sense b/c I have certain core values and I hate people that do things. I want to hate her, and hurt her the same way she hurt me, but I am fighting so hard to be the bigger person. Sometimes I just want to be "saved". I can't relate with anyone and would like to be able to relate with someone.

Is it wrong for me to try to understand the situation? Or just try to understand myself?

Answer 1

It's perfectly acceptable to feel that way. My boyfriend is still hurting from a situation just like yours. But unlike you, he didn't go see a therapist and instead did all of things you want to do. In a way I think that delayed the healing process because he still kept her in his life. It's taken him 2 years to move on from her and by finding someone who is understanding about the whole situation lets him do what he needs to do to recover.

You are with in your right to hate her. You opened yourself up to her in a way that few people can/do and you got hurt. If you need time to yourself to recover you should take it. Go back out when you feel ready for it. Forcing yourself to go out isn't going to help you, you might be giving off signals that let people know that although you might want something you aren't ready to give anything yet. Keep going to the therapist, talking to someone who doesn't know all of the players in this situation can help because they can be objective. Good luck.

Answer 2

This is called the grieving process, I went through it and I know a lot of people, women and men that have been devastated by love. You will in time, I know I know, time right? well time is the only healer! Rushing or pushing yourself to someone else will not work, its rare. You heart has to let go, it has not let go yet. She hurt you very badly, and time will heal. It took me a year to fully feel normal again, and I still think of how much I hate him 2 years later, but see its not the love thing anymore, its the hate thing, and unfortunately that helped me heal. You will heal, you are normal and life is still moving on around you, get in there and mix it up.