I'm adding to my previous question about my daughter...?

Question

...all your answers are great and helpful and I appreciate them immensely.

Here are some of our problems that I should have outlined before:

1. We live in a country foreign to us. She speaks the language fluently as we've been here for 10 years, but she still feels (and looks) different.
2. Her father and I divorced when she was a baby, and she's had almost no contact with him since.
3. There are no homeless shelters here and when I called the local pensioners' home to volunteer I was flatly rejected. (It seems the paid workers do not want volunteers as they might do a better job and get their positions).

This is a country where most, if not all, the children are spoiled and not even reprimanded until the age of 10 for any wrong-doing. This goes against my beliefs, but she sees the way her friends are treated (like princes) at home, so she expects it from us.

I have her in counseling because of these issues and her problems with anger.

I could go on...but I wont! LOL

Mine's not the 10 year old Munya. I can't paddle a 14 year old very easily.

Spaticus, I DO NOT beat my child, thank you very much.
That above is a response to another answerer.

Answer 1

I see that you added to a question that I responded to a minute ago. Sounds like she is getting something out of these tantraums. Maybe she isn't getting her way but I'd be willing to bet that she is sucking your energy dry. She is getting all your attention and you are gettting frustrated. Maybe you should just let her tear her room apart but that doesnt mean that youlll be putting it back together for her. She will have to live with the consequences of her actions. You might also try, rather than punitive action for her negative behaviors to incorporate some positive reinforcement for when she behaves appropriately. You probably also need to be mindful of how much of your own attention and energy is getting drawn into these tantrums because in some way that is helping to fuel it.

Answer 2

Is there any way you can put her to work. Work in a garden or cut the grass or wash windows. Explain that other people are not her and what they do won't amount to anything in this world and she won't amount to much either if she is not willing to work for it.

I was a bit of a problem child as a teen. So my punishment was always work. Not only will it help you out around the house, but it will give her a place for her hosility.

Patience is a virtue so try to be patient with her. She will grow up eventually.

Answer 3

If I was 10 and I was a little snot, I would get a spanking, plain and simple.
Not a beating, not a whipping, just a spanking. With a wooden paddle, actually.
Sorry, I see nothing wrong with a spanking.
She doesnt run the house--YOU do! But right now, she's running the house thru her bad behavior. You will not tolerate this, and she will change else here comes Mr. Paddle!

Answer 4

Not into physical chastisement of children. There are other ways to encourage your child to adhere to boundaries. It might not be her that needs the therapy, you may need to consider parenting classes if you think bullying is acceptable. Your child is developing into a young person in an environment she is coping with. You must understand the effect of her peer relationships will have a very strong influence on her., You and she need to develop mutual coping strategies and boundaries that are acceptable to you both. This is not easy, but beating children is barbaric. She will respect an agreement if you 'sell' it to her in the right way. Some cultures have been used to a high rate of infant mortality and treat their children as princes and princesses because they are so valuable. Learn about the culture where you live and why it has developed and evolved in this way. Understanding this will help you develop. Talk to the parents of her friends and see what strategies they use. Talk to your child.

Answer 5

I believe u love ur daughter.

Being away from her father leaves a little "alone" feeling, you could have both played with her etc., especially now that other children as u say are like crap.

An idea is to help her find hobbies, things that she can really do well (try to be with other ppl doing them). For example:
*dancing lessons -if you can afford-,
*painting,
*even little hobbies like making things like miniature trees made of beads can help. You need just beads and wire, you can find at any shop selling sewing things.
*beads are good for necklaces as well, she will be able to wear fancy things she's made and outsmart other children
*whenever possible buy books for her, consult her teachers about them - dont buy best sellers they include violence and they are not good for teaching generally

Help her be creative, so that she'll feel proud of herself and she will see you feeling proud of her as well. Try support her/do things together.

I dont think that its good to see a psychologist at that age, she'll think of being a "bad" person that "has" to go there. She's a normal smart person and anger at her age (acting as u say) is normal. Maybe she is doing so just to get in touch with you. Pass more time with her if possible, discuss films with her...a.s.o.

Always remember to guide her in order to protect her. If she asks why not do the one thing or the other explain to her. Get her to see any difficulties on ur lives and *let her feel* how much you love her. Learn to trust her and she'll trust and believe you.

Answer 6

you sound like a loving and well ballanced mum - inspite of being pushed to the limit!

keep on the way you are - she needs boundries to push against
children that age will tell you when they are older that it looked 'cooler' to their friends to be able to say ' no, i can't do xy or z because my mum would go balistic.

be firm but fair and assure her that you are NOT an ogre

when she tells you 'but my friends are allowed to do....'
remind her that the others are not your responsibility and neither do you love them

will she listen to the fact that you want her to LIVE and be safe enough to be able to decide when she is independent what she wants to do