My 12 year old nephew just confessed the he molested my 8 year old son. What should I do?

Question

My nephew has been living with me for the last 7 months. My son was taking a bath last night, and my nephew ended up joining him(not sure how that came about). My nephew asked my son to do some things to him, and then to keep it a secret. My nephew then started freaking out and crying and wouldn't tell me why. I finally got it out of him, but he told me that he was also molested. He told me that I would hate him and he just wanted to kill himslef. I made him go back to his mothers home last night, becasue I dodn't want him to be around my son anymore. My son doesn't seem to be bothered by it, and asked this morning why my nephew wasn't home. He said he wants my nephew to come back. I don't want my nephew to think i hate him, but I have to protect my own children. My sister just thinks its no big deal and that my nephew doesn't need any help. I don't know what to do. Should I let me nephew continue to live with me? Should I contact the authorities? What can I tell my son?

Answer 1

That's a dificult question, i don't really know what would i do, but i'll try to say something, and hope it helps.
I understand your need to protect your child, and i understand you don't want your nephew to get back to your place; i wouldn't let him come back either, until i feel he is getting some help from a psicologist.
What to tell your son, maybe that's the most dificult part of this, of course this is not bottering him, he doesn't realize what was all that about, you migth tell him that his cousin cannot comeback because he is having some changes in his life because of his age, you can tell him that he is not the best company because he is older and he will start having diferent interests than your son.
You can use some examples, ask him if he likes to play with a kid who is 4 years old, and explain him that it is natural, because that kid has diferent interests, and that's what is happening with his cousin.
You can try to help him to find some other friend to hang out with, because, if your nephew was living with you, maybe your son had found in him a good company, someone to play with. So he will miss his cousin, you will have to try to give him some other interesting things to do, and help him find some new friend or friends. So you don't become the bad person in the story.
I guess you can talk with him - trying not to link this directly with his cousin, about nobody should play or touch your body, unless he is a doctor, or a nurse, and you have your mother or father with you while he or she is making the exams.
About your nephew, It's true that those kind of things are somehow natural, he is in a dificult age, discovering him self, and he doesn't really know how to handle his changes and his new feelings, and i think he wasn't trying to hurt your son.
Besides, maybe it is a good moment to read, talk to some specialist, get information about the changes in the adolescence, because your son is 8 yo now, but he migth go trougth this sooner than you think, specially if in his environment there are older boys. So, you have to be more prepared to know how to react to a lot of things that migth happen to him now on.
I believe you migth try to convince your sister that his son needs help, not only about what he did with your son, but besides for his feelings of guilt and for telling you that he wants to kill him self. When some kid only thinks about this, is very dangerous because he can really try to do it.
I guess he needs help so he understand the changes and the feelings he is experimenting, and to let him know what is rigth, and what is wrong. Your nephew needs a lot of counseling and information, so he can deal with those things, let him know what are good things about it, and what are really bad things that he have to avoid.

Answer 2

I agree that you should contact a counselor about this. First, for your own son. I don't think you can request counseling for your nephew unless you have custody. That's his mother's job, and it doesn't sound like your sister sees the need. Yet.

You will need to know that it isn't the children who are at risk of getting into trouble with the authorities; if you don't contact a counselor (play therapist), who will then assess the situation and contact the authorities (social services) if she detects a problem, then you are held liable for not reporting potential abusive behavior. Likewise, if your sister is made aware of potential abuse and does nothing, she will be held liable. This is not a situation that can be avoided.

Interestingly, it is your nephew who is reacting as if he were the abused and not your son. You will decidely need to discuss his reaction with the counselor and find out what is going on. It may be that what occurred in the bath tub was simply a point of discovery on your own son's part, but the same occurrence triggered a much more severe reaction in your nephew.

You are correct to keep the boys separated from future overnighters until you have found more answers to this. It may be comforting to know that the counselor will be the one to "blow the whistle" if any whistles need blowing (which it sounds like is needed, especially on your nephew's behalf), and that you can defend yourself to your sister through the actions of a caring parent.

The fact that your nephew was living with you instead of your sister is a point of interest, especially to the counselor and social services, so be prepared for those questions.

It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing for everyone here. Sometimes the "right thing" is also the "hard thing."

What to tell your son? Ask the play therapist (children's counselor) when you contact her. I'm sure she will have several suggestions. She will know that this is a delicate issue, especially dealing with young children, and will be able to provide you with the kind of communications that are best suited for your son. Be sure to remind her that it is your nephew and not your son who is the more apparently traumatized here. She will know how to approach the issue to your son without introducing unnecessary trauma.

Bless you for this journey you are entering. You have my prayers.

Answer 3

You may have to call the child protective services. It sounds like your sister is in denial. Your nephew needs help now or else he will continue to molest. Right now he is still a child and with counseling this behavior pattern can be stopped. These children are brain washed into thinking that their families will hate them if they tell. You should let him know that you don't blame him and that you love him but that he can't be alone with your son until he gets help. Your 8 year old son could use some counseling as well.This is very serious! Don't pass it off as childhood stuff that kids will outgrow or forget. Your nephew is just as much a victim as your 8 year old son is. Remember your nephew is still a child and this is learned behavior.Please see if your sister will inter into counseling with you! It is imperative that she face what has happened to her son! Sometimes women are afraid that they will loose their house and every thing they worked hard for if something like this happens not even giving a second thought to what the out come will be for their own child.Please I beg of you do what is best for your son, your nephew, your sister as well although she may not realizes it right now. The perpetrator who victimized your nephew needs to be persecuted.

Answer 4

Just reading this and the answers gives me goosebumps. Especially for your nephew because that kid, with a mom who thinks it's no big deal, is in for major trouble.

I totally understand your feelings about your son and I'm in agreement with keeping the 2 separate (or at least under your supervision) for now- if you do not do something now to break the cycle of abuse, you don't know how many children will suffer in the future- I have seen it first hand and it is heartbreaking- it destroys families and lives... and it destroys little children. You must protect your son. As far as what to tell him, the answerer sassy_395 had good advice. If you don't flip out in front of your son but make sure he knows the difference between good and bad touching, it's probably best for now.

As for your nephew, I'm not sure what state you're in, but you might want to check out the child protection laws in your state; you may be legally obligated to report that your nephew says he's been abused. Do you know the school system where he's enrolled? Do you know a nurse or counsellor there? Start with them if you do. Otherwise, contact some other health care professional, do it anonymously for now. You should be able to get some good solid advice as far as what to do from here. And, if you can do it, you should try to see your nephew one on one. He told you... many abused children will not tell if they don't feel they trust you or if they're frightened of you. He needs you, too.

The thing I find most distrubing of all is your sister's attitude; and that sends up this flag: why was your nephew living with you in the first place? There are too many abnormalities in that situation to just blow this off. Please, for that little boy's sake, talk to a professional... (and I don't mean the police- the police need to take care of the one who did it to your nephew; your nephew needs counseling... or someday, it could be him the police are looking for.)

Answer 5

First of all, your nephew needs help big time if he actually molested the 8 yr old. You need details, specific details. If your nephew was indeed molested that must be dealt with first. At this point your nephew should not live with you. Your son may have seen this as a game (let's face it, sex can be fun). If they were experimenting that's one thing. If there was pain and secretiveness involved that's something else again.

This one thing is CERTAIN. If your nephew does not get help NOW he will do it again with another child he can "control". Most abuse victims victimize others to validate their own life experiences. When he is put in counseling social services or child protective services will be called. It is the law. While I disagree with this strongly the child will probably be taken out of the home and put in foster care. He will then be placed in therapy for a period of time (sometimes years). The law will go after whoever molested your nephew and prosecute him.

The pluses of this are: the nephew will realize that he was a victim and his molestation was not his fault. It will teach him to be age appropriate with his sexual desires and give him tools to avoid abusing others.

The minuses are: He will become very egocentric taking care of his needs before thinking of others. This will be his protection mechanism. It can cause problems in relating to others and he may act out sexually with those of his own age (in a consentual relationship. . . not right but that tends to be the behavior).

Do you call the authorities? I don't know. After talking with your nephew (with your sister there) AND your son you will have a better picture. It may have been experimentation in a "safe" enviornment for your nephew but that made it "unsafe" for your son.

If your son is able to speak freely and tell you in detail what happened, his feelings about it, and if he was caused pain that will tell you better how to proceed. "Playing around" is not a cause for concern (as long as you keep a good eye on your son in the future to prevent him from acting out). Secrets, on the other hand, are a MAJOR cause for concern.

In our home, we insisted that the bathroom door remain unlocked and open when more than one child was in the room. Same thing for the bedroom and playroom. It saved us a lot of headaches and possible other problems.

Answer 6

You need to get them both help. It may not bother your son now, but in a few years, believe me IT WILL, and I am talking from experience. As for your nephew, he also needs help. If not, he will continue to do it well into adulthood. Please get them both help. Your nephew needs to get this now and how do you know, it was the first time? or if he hasn't done it before? It is a big deal because he was also molested and needs to talk about it. Did he mention who was molested by? He probably told your sister he was molested and she didn't do anything about it. But you can't just turn away. You also need to talk to your son and explain that that behavior was not right and no one should ever do that to him because your son may be thinking it was ok. And if it happens to him again in the near future (which I hope it doesn't) he will tell you and know it's not right. You also need to tell him it's better that your nephew doesn't go back to live with you. Good luck with this situation.

Answer 7

I would definitely contact the authorities even if it means your sister gets mad. Something obviously has happened to your nephew, and he needs help right now. If your sister thinks it is no big deal, then she is either protecting someone, or turning a blind eye. It will be in the best interest for everyone involved to contact the proper authorities and get the help needed as soon as you can. I had a similar experience when my nephew kept wanting to play "games" with my son. My nephew was also sexually abused by his step mother. I had caught my nephew and my son playing "games" when they were about 7 years old. I sat down my son, and I told him that someone had touched his cousin in way that kids should not be touched, so his cousin is always wanting to play "games" in which he wants to touch or be touched. I told my son that his cousin couldn't be strong right now, so when he wanted to play "games" that he would have to be the strong one and tell his cousin "no..and suggest something else to do. It worked out very well, and even though I didn't want my son to have to learn that people do some terrible things to kids, I had to be honest with him. My nephew received the counseling he needed and now he and my son are like brothers. They are now 27 & 28 yrs old.

Answer 8

Do NOT contact the authorities--that will take things out of your control. You can always do it later if you think it is appropriate, but the second you do it doesn't really matter what you think--the authorities will do their thing without regard for how you feel about it.

This probably isn't as big a deal as you think it is--this happens with kids and often the parents' reactions are more scarring than the incident itself. This is a tricky time for the nephew, he needs to learn a little more about sex so he'll understand that it isn't something you do with children. It is his ignorance and curiosity that is the problem--this doesn't sound like sicko behavior, and he understood later that he was wrong and told you about it! Teach him why he was wrong and he won't do it again. I know it is hard to teach a twelve year old about sex, but if you don't, they'll find out on their own.

The conversation with your son is trickier--he is a little young to be learning everything. The bigger you make this, the more of an issue it will be for him, but you can't just leave it alone either. With him you might want to tell him that the only people he should take his pants off in front of are his parents and his doctor. Tell him that if someone trys to do something like this again, he should just say he doesn't want to. If they keep bugging him, he should leave and tell someone. Your nephew isn't a sexual predator who is sadisticly abusing your child, he's just a confused kid who needs to learn that his actions are serious.

As to whether to let him back into your house, a lot of that will depend on your sister's and nephew's actions and whether you feel safe letting him be with your son. I can't help you there, except to mention that you should start busting in on them every twenty minutes or so so they don't feel like they have time alone to take their clothes off.

When I was young, there were about five occasions where us kids snuck off and found out what was under each other's clothes. I don't think anyone was too messed up by it--it was just curiosity and no one had any kind of actual sex.

Answer 9

I don't know how long ago this happened, but has your son been examined? They can usually tell if something has been inserted into the anus (although not always) and also look for tears. It is important that your son knows that you believe him and are not angry with him. It is very important that he knows it is not his fault and that you don't blame him. I also agree with the responder who wondered if your nephew is being/has been molested. Usually they have been at some point and are acting out. Please take your son in and have him see a counselor. These are trained professionals and they know how to handle this situation. Sometimes as parents it is hard to separate ourselves from the trauma that has occurred and your son maybe embarrassed to talk to you. Good luck and I am really sorry this happened to your son. Please get him help now or he may have problems as he gets older. I was molested at age 3 and didn't have counseling until I started having nightmares in high school.

Answer 10

The right thing to do is contact children's services. Your nephew needs help, and he needs to be held accountable for his actions. It does not matter what his mother thinks - you know you need to do what's right.

The boys should not have contact with each other until this is all sorted out. I'm glad to hear that your son is not upset. However, this is most likely because he doesn't understand what happened. In time he will, and will be bothered by that. He will need counseling also to help him work through it.

You can love your nephew and still call children's services. Explain to him that your love will never change, but that he needs help and in life we all must answer for the things we do.

You may make an enemy in your sister, but that's too damned bad. The best thing for the children is what's important. Good luck to you.