3 year old, giving up the dummy, parents split up.....?

Question

Ok, its quite a long one!!
My step daughter is 3 - she has been up to now a well balanced wonderful child and my partner and I have never had a problem with her! don't worry - I am not a pushy mother and expect her to be perfect, I understand she will have bad days - but we have a serious issue!

My partner and his ex split - we are all friends now - we talk openly, we share thoughts and ideas, we do really well for a broken up family. My 3 year old step daughter was giving her dummy (dodi, pacifier) up for christmas, giving it to Santa in return for toys!!! well Daddy and me stuck to it only mummy and EVERYONE else still gave it to her!! since then she has not wanted to come and stay at ours, she has absolute hysterics when she realises she is staying and when asked she will admit its because she wants the dummy and mummy gives it to her! her mummy however believes her daughter is going through a very "needy mummy" stage and its not the dummy!! last week we had to drop the...TBC!

daughter back off at mummys as she was so bad and we had decided that we were not giving in and giving her the dummy - since then mummy has stressed how much the daughter is going through this phase of "needing" her and no one else- but the thing is - that night we dropped my step daughter off - her mummy put the dummy in and she went out and left her with a baby sitter - if the child was so in need of her mummy then her mummy would surely not be able to go out??!

Well since then mummy has told us she doesn't think its wise we take the daughter away on holiday in March because she needs her mummy too much!! which from a parenting view I understand - however I know and my partner knows its only because of the bloody dummy!! so we have decided to give the daughter her dummy back - she now has no qualms about staying at ours, she can't wait to go on hols etc. my question really is - are we runing a child?? is bribery and corruption with the dummy the way to go? are we been fair?

oh gosh I am really sorry - I think I have been misconstrued somewhat - my step daughters mum and dad have been split up since before she was one - she knows no life other than the one she lives now - her mum and dad and me and her step dad are all brilliant with eachother, we all get on fab, we ALL said that Santa got the dummy - and it failed - we have given her the dummy back now, and she is happy again. and her mum will probably realise its very much a dummy stage not a mummy stage!! I suppose my issue was more about the mum saying we couldn't take her on holiday because she thought the daughter needed her too much, but now we have given her the dummy back she is fine again, I am questioning my morals really and feel like we are bribing the child in order to be able to take her way on hols

Answer 1

I cant believe a mother would allow a 3 year old child to use a dummy! Dummies are to comfort babies - a child can be comforted with words that a small infant wouldnt understand.
In this situation however consistancy is vital, and you are all a parenting team and should all be working together, doing the same things and setting the same boundaries for this little girl, otherwise there will be this problem and many others like it.
If the mother insists on using a dummy, then I agree she should also still have it when she is with you - but i agree with the point someone else made of only having it at set times. This is something the whole parenting team needs to discuss, agree on and stick to. Continuity and consistency from all the authoritive adults in this little girls life - in all aspects ie, routine/discipline - should be paramount. Then, hopefully you will have a happy tot who doesnt act out so much :)

Just an afterthought of getting rid of the dummy here - I sound cruel but at 3 she can understand what you mean when you all tell her she is too big for a dummy and its gone.
She might act out for the first day or 2, but after that it will be forgotten.
I myself try to only use dummies at nap times even for very young babies, then when they are around 12 months, then I cut it down more and more and try getting them to sleep without it.
Its so much easier when they are too young to yell at you and give you greif lol

Answer 2

She has been taught by you that if only she makes a big enough fuss she will get her own way. This is shaky territory as a parent - as hard as it is - you need to have a nerve of steel lest she will use your weakness to get her own way about other things and she will try to impose her will on you all the time. Pick a day - tell her that from that day she will not be having the dummy any more. Cut the teat off and show her the disc and put it in the bin. Tell her she is a big girl now etc Then buckle up for the tantrum - be calm, keep her safe and know that she cannot tantrum and cry forever - I took my daughter's off her at 18 months and she cried for 3 hours the first night and then never again.. If you need a break get some friends and neighbours to take a turn. Unfortunately bigger kids with dummies do look daft so I bet you also have to suffer tuts from not so well meaning grannies when out and about etc Keep strong - it is the hardest job in the world.

Answer 3

Honestly...... I don't see what the big deal is about the dummy, that's why they call it a pacifier, at the moment it is bringing her comfort and lets be honest, even though you adults have come to terms with the situation it does not mean to say the little one has. She has enough to cope with, you can NOT expect a 3 year old to understand why daddy is no longer with mummy. In her life her daddy is #1 and her mummy is #1. I think when she is good and ready she will give it up. Lets face it, how many children over 5 have you seen sucking a dummy.

just an after thought, I think on this one her mummy has the right to say if she gets to keep it or not, and you should be backing up the mother, the mother is bringing the child up and I think if you all agree then the little girl will not be confused.

Answer 4

I really feel that at 3 years old she is far to old for a dummy now. I feel the dummy goes with Santa in exchange for toys was a good idea and her mummy should have stuck with it and not given in. What we have to remember is that kids don't run our lives, we make the decisions and we have to stand by what we say otherwise they rule the roost. You really need to talk to the other parents and sort this out. Its not a mummy phase its a i know what i want and how to get it stage as she knows full well that mummy will give in and you won't. She might only be 3 but trust me, she isn't stupid, she knows how to get what she wants

Answer 5

Take advantage of the fact that you all get on so well and sit down and have a conversation about it.

Parents often disagree in the same household so over two households it's even harder(trust me I know first hand), but maybe if your husband approaches it from the 'we all agreed but now I feel like we're being made to be the bad guys for pursuing something we all said was in her best interests' you'll have some resolution-or at least some feedback.

I know how you're feeling and I think to some degree you're right-by allowing a child to dictate the terms of her visits you are ALL making a collective rod for your backs-one which her mother, as primary carer, will feel the effects of first-something it might be worth diplomatically pointing out.

Answer 6

I can understand what you are saying. Dont give into her, as she is 3 and will probably soon be starting pre-school and nursery and you dont want her going to school with a dummy. How about getting a teddy or a doll just to be kept at your house and tell her that when she is staying the teddy/doll needs the dummy and can she get her one as youve lost the other one. Have her mix with other children her age and explain to her that they dont have dummies, and theyre managing OK. Theres no easy answer for this, just a few suggestions, and its a case of trial and error.
Good Luck

Answer 7

Because mum is making it difficult just let her have the binky. Kids will give it up on there own at about 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 when they are doing more big girl things! Just encourage big girl behavior at your home but don't force it upon her! Mum is probably the one going through the needy stage! We sometimes do that when the babes get more independent

Answer 8

I think that under the circumstances, she should be allowed to have her pacifier. Just put boundaries on it, such as only at bedtime, only in the privacy of her room, etc.
When she is old enough to head off to school, she's not going to be taking it with her. This little girl has been through quite a lot and her pacifier gives her comfort. Recognize that it is a temporary thing and she really enjoys it. It's relatively harmless, although it does look funny on an older kid.

Answer 9

You do have a serious issue. Expecting a 3-year old to give up their dummy in return for toys of Father Christmas?!?

Answer 10

i think you have to substitute the dummy with something else the dummy is not good, it will be hard but it will be worth it in the end.
my son was about 3 ,he always had it in his mouth then i said about putting it in the bin ,cause santa was watching he did but it wasnt plain sailing and i often thought about giving in, but i didnt ,perserverence is the key i promise you good luck anyway.