What is the best way for me to get my spoiled teenager?

Question

to appreciate what she has? She's 14 and thinks life "sucks" because she has to follow rules and do homework.

She doesn't help in the house (my fault) and her grades are horrible. She treats everyone, including friends, bad.

We've started her with counseling, but I need to know how to make her see that there are others who have it so much worse.

I've presented her with cases of misfortune, handicap, etc., but after an initial "wow, it sucks to be them" she goes back to lamenting her life.

Please, no smart-*** remarks, I need advice.

Answer 1

It took years of bad parenting to get this child to this point, so plan on years more to fix it. Perseverance is the key.

Answer 2

Some of what you are mentioning goes with being a teenager and trying to sort out who you are and where you fit into the world. Some kids have an easier time with this than others.

As a teenager we all thought we had the answers to EVERYTHING and no one could tell us something we didn't already know. Sometimes the school of hard knocks is the best teacher. I didn't get that school was important for a getting a better job until I had to pay for things myself. That was a real eye opener! I would try sitting down with her and talking about her future plans. Then try and show her how much it costs to live in the world and how far you will or won't get based on how much you make (degree vs no degree).

Also, I would get her a tutor for her school work. Right now her job is school and that in my house is not negotiable. Rewards and extras are not gimmies, they are based on my children's grades and school work. Set up a reward system with her. Something as simple as a movie on Saturday or a manicure if you do your homework all week, no arguements. Kids not only need structure, but they need to know their efforts are appreciated.

As far as chores, give her one of two simple jobs that take less than a half hour to complete. My daughter (who is 12) is responsible for unloading the dishwasher and scooping the cat boxes. These are her chores every day. She knows waht is expected, no questions asked. That doesn't mean that I still don't have to ride her butt to get it done somedays, but hey, parenteing is not a popularity contest and my job as mom is to raise a responsible, well rounded kid.

It is good you have her in counseling because that can only help. A counselor is not mom or dad and you would be amazed at what kids will listen to coming from someone else. Also, she could be a little depressed.

Hang in there and be patient. They don't call parenting a tough job just to be funny. Good luck to you! The teenage years aren't fun ones and I am being paid back already triple fold for all the hell I put my parents through.

Answer 3

Your best set if you want to drive it home make her volunteer somehwere like a soup kitchen or hospice if possible.
She needs to have something tlike that put on a personal level. Showing her these things just makes her say ok sucks to them, but its not me, and whatever.
But, if these people talk to her, expalin themselves..they are real people, and not just names on pictures.
That might drive it home. You have done wonderfully to put her into counseling.
One other thing I would do is make her appreciate what she has..for awhile anyway I would not buy her anything new besides the neccessaties. You can't appreciate what you have if it means nothing cause you always get new stuff.
Also I would weed out all the stuff she does not need..I mean if her room is over flowing with clothes and things she doesn't use..then ask her to think of a charity to give them too, or go to a church and see if there is a family that could use some of it..maybe have everyone do it, so she doesn't feel picked on.
There is nothing like knowing you've just given some other girl some nice things, that she might not have gotten otherwise.
My children are 3 and 6 and have been responsible every year before Thanksgiving to go through their toys, clothes and everything else to give to charity, and every year I take them to drop it off....I am very proud of them, they understand some people aren't as lucky as they are.
But, its never too late to start, and your right starting now is your best plan..it will nly get worse if you don't do something now.

Answer 4

Well for starters, it's no use pointing out other people's misfortune, as she has no perspective on that. I have to say I was sorta like that for a very long time, I'd basically stay in all day playing video games, nearly gave my poor mum a nervous breakdown, or rather, I should say, she nearly gave herself a nervous breakdown over stressing about me, and therein lies the problem. YOU can't help her because it's her that's choosing to be this way, a counsellor won't help either because generally they only tend to help IDENTIFY the problem, not remove it. What I'd recommend is a self help course, but only if she wants to do it, there's no point forcing her to do anything as that will probably strengthen her conviction that everyone's out to get her. From personal experience I'd say first and foremost,try the ISA experience, www.isaexperience.com, though I would say you'd have to do it with her, it'll do wonders for your relationship, also, if you're pretty flush you might want to look into life coaching, I hear they can work wonders for people who want to develop themselves, maybe you can find one that deals with this sort of situation as well. Other than that, if you can find any courses which are based on Buddhism ie the way of thinking rather than the religion, that would certainly help, IF she's up for it in the first place. Well I'll leave it at that then, I wish you both the best of luck, and the rest of your family, just do yourself a favour and don't get too hung up about this, she needs your strength right now wether she realizes it or not, be positive and makesure you explore every option that's open to you, sticking to conventional methods very rarely works in my experience, so keep thinking outside te box. Takecare.

Answer 5

I have two teens at home and my daughter seems more selfish than my son. At your daughter's age it really is normal for them to have that kind of attitude. For a parent, it is really frustrating having to deal with it though because you probably think you have not taught her to be less selfish and you have spoiled her, etc. But I can assure you what your daughter is doing is pretty normal for someone her age.
But, this is something to nip in the bud now, or else she will take advantage of the good things in life.
I have learned through trial and error that the best way to approach this situation was by being parent vs. a friend. I know alot of parents are concerned that if they try to enforce rules they will be hated by their kids. But that is far from the truth! Kids need guidance and we as parents are the first ones to give them the guidance they need to be respectable adults.
So, my daughter (and all my other kiddos) have to earn what they want/have. In order to have a sleep over (as an example) they have to have their rooms cleaned spotlessly. They want to go out to the movies they have to have good grades. They want new clothes, they have to take care of what they have, as in do their own laundry.
My thought is if they are part of the household and live under the same roof, they have to contribute towards the household. For instance, keeping their room clean is a given because this is my house and my rules. if the room is not clean, they do not earn the right to have friends over or go to friends house, etc.
Getting good grades is another factor. I ask to see graded work from school. If the grades are not that great, I ask my kids what the problem is... i.e. are they understanding the work, are they having problems, etc. If they are just being lazy I make sure to contact the teacher and ask what I can do to help my child raise their grades. Even if it means getting their planner signed everyday by the teachers to show that my kids did their homework or turned in the required schoolwork, If they do not turn in homework or do not finish the required schoolwork, they have to work on it at home. It is a battle and requires a lot of patience on the part of the parent.
I also always point out the positive too. If they bring home a good grade I praise them. If they clean their room or do a chore I tell them they did a fantastic job and am so happy they followed through. I try to find something positive to say everyday to each child. Even if it's something as small as thanks for putting their shoes up.
Good luck! Teen years are hard on the parents!

Answer 6

Idea: Voulunteer at homeless shelters or make her pick rocks if you have a garden of any kind. A little hard work does help gain persecptive. I know, b/c it worked for me.

And if that won't work try giving her an opportunity for new perspecitves like a summer camp or have her spend a month at a relatives' house (where she will be diligently observed).

When I was having problems as a teen, my parents sent me to my Grandma's house for a month and then kicked me out to her house at the age of 18, but those experiences outside my family's gripping overbearingness helped me grow up.

All in all most teens need time. If she's hostile then make her work, not to earn any kind of reward, just to make her be able to release some her hostility through work. That's what my parents did and I have a much better work ethic now b/c of it.

Answer 7

Every teenager goes through this stage in their life. It's just time now for your daughter to go through it now as well....

Heck I'm still going throgh it and I'm 18. But, my mother passed away 2 years ago, so I'm still coping with that especially now that I'm pregnant and my husband has a "happy" family back home.

Also, you need to think about this. Has the environment changed in which your daughter lives in? Have you moved recently? If your married, has your husband and yours relationship been bumping? Have you been recently divorced? Did one of the family members die? There are a lot of things to be considered when thinking about a teenagers mood or anybody's for that matter.

Just sit down and tell her that you will love her no matter what. Through thick and thin that is what a mother is there for. Plus, now that she's in counseling, she may be thinking, gosh my life must really suck, my parent's even hate me. A lot of teens don't realize that counseling is there to help you, not to punish you. Good luck with everything.

Answer 8

Have you tried to set rules for her behavior and when she does not follow them or when she acts disrespectful start taking things she is very fond of away. Put them up somewhere ( ex. T.V., Ipod, cell phone , fave outfits etc.) Tell her you act better I will return them to you, if you don't I will sell them in a yard sale. You may have to actually sell something, but she will get the hint. Also stop doing stuff for her that is not necessity until she treats you and with respect and acting more grateful for what she has. It will be hard on your part, I have children and I know its very hard to do things that you feel will hurt or disappoint them. In the long run though you are doing her a great favor.

Answer 9

My kids are starting to go this way... Bribery is probably best. Pay her for jobs done in the house, or make pocket money conditional on setting the table, making her bed etc. without moaning. Think of an update on the old 'star chart' she had as a toddler (two weeks of good behaviour = special treat).

I think 'well-behaved' is the best you can hope for at 14; you can't expect them to think like adults.

It sounds as though she has too much time on her hands to compare herself with others (too much TV? I speak from experience here!). Try to foster her friends who've got an interest she could get involved with, such as dance classes, am dram, or a sport that she might enjoy. Mine has recently found a girl to go swimming with - it's a start...

Answer 10

Spend some time with her, like girlie shopping. You sound very negative and she will pick up on that. Do you ever praise her? Most teenagers can't see how lucky they are. Hope you don't single her out as opposed to any other offspring you have. She must have some good points, we all have. She must be good at something too. Ask her what her dreams are, what she wants to do. Does she want to do any hobbies etc
She's still only been on this earth 14 years, not long enough by far to know it all, she needs patient guiding mixed with love

Answer 11

make her volunteer somewhere not Just once but on a weekly basis at least somethin' to get under her skin and in her mind.
take away some of her priveleges (if needed)
um......idk - kids these days right.
you know she is who she is and even if she is a bit spoiled now she'll probably grow out of it some...... but then again.
she has to make up her mind who she wants to be. Change has to come from the inside ........ But outer influences do make a difference. I know I've changed from when I was younger and I'm actually starting to like the person I am even though I am not ExACtly who I want to be yet. Well best to the both of you & don't forget to show her love ... Love can make big differences too.