For example criticizing how they dress, choice of mate, recreational activities how they spend their money, who they associate with? I'm 31 and my mother still insists on play-by-play details on what i'm doing with my life (the answer to that is starting a wonderful new job and attempting to fix past mistakes) but my opinion is that it's time to let bygones BE bygones and start trying to be two grown women relating to each other instead of Mommy and Daughter.
2007-02-07 02:38:34 · 13 answers · asked by MTahirah 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Parents should always have some involvement, greater when the children are younger and slowly backing off. However, I don't count criticizing dressing choices and recreational choices (unless they're a certain danger) as healthy involvement.
As previously said, if you're still living with her (or ended up living with her again), the first major step is moving out. Though some parents are good at recognizing boundaries when it's time, many are so used to being the parent that their perspective is "stuck" that way. No matter how well meaning (or not) they may be, they have the behavior of "I'm the parent and you're the child. So do as I tell you."
That whole assessment said, put comfortable distance between yourself and your mom. Unless she has some particularly nasty behaviors that are hurting you, you don't have to utterly shut her out, just make it inconvenient for her to pester you. Though be careful about moving so far away that she "has" to stay with you if she "happens" to be nearby.
Then if she asks something you don't want to discuss with her, simply reflect the question or push it aside. Tell her it isn't something you have time for, or not interested in discussing right then, or plain is not an object of discussion. Or just utterly ignore the question. Whatever you say, stand by it. Don't let her goad you into sharing a peice of info you already said was off limits. I know how hard this can be, but you must be firm about your boundaries if you want them to be respected.
2007-02-07 03:13:56 · answer #1 · answered by erythisis 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's your job as an adult to set the limitations. When your mother asks questions you don't want to answer then say "Oh mom, it's all too boring" or "I really don't want to get into that" and change the subject. You don't have to answer questions of anyone, even your mother. If she criticizes the way you dress, then say "I'm sorry you don't like it, but I do" . If she doesn't like how you spend your money then say "Don't worry Mom, it's my money that I earned!" and change the subject. Don't get defensive and start arguing, just say matter-of-factly that you know her feelings, but don't agree. Tell her you appreciate her, but would prefer she didn't disclose every little opinion she has about you and your life. Now that you're both adults you'd like for her to be more like a friend. Give it time, set boundaries and be calm. You can do it. Good Luck!
2007-02-07 03:28:05 · answer #2 · answered by Kimmi 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi, you might like to read the book by Deborah Tannen called "You're Wearing That??!!" (sound familiar?). It's about the complexities of mother/daughter relationships and how they talk to each other. Maybe you can create one simple message that sums up your feelings and stick to it. For instance, when your mother has comments on how you dress, your associates, your job, $, etc., you could say, "Mom, I know you care about me and I love you, too, but I'm making my own choices and doing my very best." Just keep saying that. Remember that even if your mother annoys you to no end sometimes, she loves you and wants the very best for you. Good luck!
2007-02-07 02:57:43 · answer #3 · answered by meatpiemum 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She will always be your mother. And she will always want to know what is going on in your life. How much she knows is up to you. Just chose wisely what you tell her. Just ignore her when she is being a pain, don't let her get to you, again she is your mother! She just wants to the best for you and probably is afraid of losing you! It is tough on parents when they realize their children don't need them anymore! Live you life and worry about you!
2007-02-07 04:35:09 · answer #4 · answered by Kipers 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your mother about this and if she chooses not to change, then you will have to change...People are only treated the way they have tought others to treat them. You have allowed such behavior to go on for a while. Put an end to it and then start enjoying each other as women. Go on vacation together...just the two of you.
2007-02-07 02:44:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Once the daughter is over 21, then the parent should stop being TOO involved, but they should still be involved. But your mother should let you have your space
2007-02-07 02:42:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I'm 29 and have the same problem....I have just learned that if I don't tell her as much then she doesn't have anything to harp on....there are some things that she just doesn't need to know....and I also had to look at my self and realize that I was depending on her for too much still...advice on what to do on so many things....I just needed to make a decision and go with it...to learn things on my own....
2007-02-07 02:51:11 · answer #7 · answered by unicorns_77 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
oh wow, im 16 and wishing my mom would butt out a little!! i think somewhere in the teenage years is when parents need to start to let go and move on. they know then that we are trying to get our own footing and grow our own lives so why should they stand right next to us. be there if we need them but not be there all the time ya know?
2007-02-07 02:42:59 · answer #8 · answered by rckstar88 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Do you still live with her? If so, she is always going to try to tell you what to do. That is just a mother's nature. If you live on your own, you just need to sit her down and tell her you are your own person now and you want to live your life as such.
2007-02-07 02:42:47 · answer #9 · answered by Jenny K 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
When said "child" moves out of parents home and pays his/her own way!
2007-02-07 02:56:43 · answer #10 · answered by Pam C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋