Naughty Step daughter?

Question

I have a step daughter who is five years old she stays with me my daughter and her dad at the weekends, she is very ungrateful she dont say please or thankyou unless you tell her to she dont play very nice with my daughter my daughter always gets hurt. We cant say anything to her because she will tell her mum that i have told her off, her mum aint the kind of person you can talk to about these problems because she really dont care. A couple of weeks ago my step daughter had shop liffeterd and we told her mum and i got the blame for it, her mum said its because she feels left out and wants attention but she gets all my attention and her dads. Its doing my head in and i need advice. Help!

Its making family life hard when she stays at the weekend, plus my two year old is picking up on this bad behavior.

We spend time with both children i think alot of my step daughter but this behavior as got to stop. Her dad lewis does love her and she knows that. We dont smack our kids we do the naughty step.

Some of your comments are not true, both girls get the same treatment and love they both deserve. I have known my step daughter for two and half years it was not this bad before. I do talk to her and ask her whats wrong, but from what i can gaither she spends a lot of time in her room when she is at home with her mum. I know that my step daughter faye thinks a lot of me she never wants to go home to her mum.

Thank you aubrie27, Just like to say that fayes mum say bad things about me to faye like iam going to smack her in the face if she comes in my house again, which really upset's faye because she love's me. faye's mum as also said faye as nothing to do with me reason for this "the other week i could smell alcohol on fayes breath and i asked about this and all i got of fayes mum is its nothing to do with you if faye as had alcohol or been in the pub. Fayes mum split up with fayes dad when she was 8 months old fayes mum was cheating at the time. She made it very hard for me and lewis to have a relationship "fayes mum had said to me she loves lewis but she is not in love with him but know one else can have him "this is why i cant talk to emma who is fayes mum about the behavior.

Iam trying to understand whats going on in her head but i cant see why she is being like this, I find a lot of the time when its bed time she wants me to talk to her in her room "i do sometimes but she dont half pick her times when time is getting on and its way past bedtime. Every weekend is a struggle because she never wants to go home, sometimes i think is she being naughty so she dont have to go home or something like that. I really dont know!

Answer 1

You need to talk to your husband and decide what the 'house rules' for your home are.

What kind of behaviour do you expect from your children and what are the consequences of crossing those boundaries.

Once you have decided TOGETHER what is appropriate accross the board then you BOTH have the right to enforce the rules-using the agreed upon methods.

My husband and I have 1 child each from previous relationships and two between us. We established house rules that apply to any child that visits-the usual please and thank you's, no biting, fighting, swearing etc and then other rules which are applicable to our collective children which we both enforce as appropriate.

If there is animosity between your husbands ex and you then I would suggest that you have to keep out of her way to a large degree in order that the child doesn't pick up on the tension and respond accordingly.

Helping to raise someone else's child is always going to be an emotional minefield but some semblence of order in your own home is something you are absolutely entitled to.

Answer 2

I'm no expert and don't know a lot about this subject. How I see it is: You have a 5 year old who's parents broke up - she subconciously thinks it's her fault. Now her dad is with you and she's being bad to see if you will still love her. She just wants to feel safe. I can only guess how frustrating it must be for you but if it was me - I would put all my bad feelings behind me and throw as much love and affection as I can (in a weekend) at both children. I would tell the little girl that even though what she has done is naughty, you will always love her because she is special. That sort of thing. When I was that age I remember it well, I remember my feelings. So keep telling her you love her etc. By the way what does her dad do whilst all this is going on?

Answer 3

I am going to give my honest answer that most others won't like...DON'T DO ANYTHING. There is nothing wrong with looking, thats what men do. Our penises don't discriminate by society's standards. I used to work in a retail environment and this ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS girl would come in every day and talk to me. She looked somewhere between 18-20 and I'll be honest, I did fantasize about her. Then one day I overheard her talking and I asked how old she was and she said 16. I was shocked, but just because I found that out does not mean that this beautiful person would stop popping up in my fantasies. I would never do anything, but if she is old enough to look like a woman, then I don't see why the actual number of her age matters when it comes to fantasy. That said, if you are looking and lusting after someone that LOOKS more like a little girl than a woman, then you have some serious problems.

Answer 4

You have a task on your hands here - when my parents divorced, I was the same with my step-father - I'm afraid my unruly behaviour persisted from the age of 7 until I was about 15. For me it was simply because I did not want my mum to be with him as I had some vague idea as children do, that I could get my parents back together if he wasn't on the scene. You realise the error of these ways when you get older, but I suspect this is what your step-daughter may be up to. Her Mum will do nothing wrong in her eyes, but you are basically unwanted and in the way. All I can suggest is to persist with her, but you will have to take a stand against her at some point, otherwise you will get it for a lot more Years.

Answer 5

I think it common for there to be problems in a blended family like this, also your 2 kids are at busy and somewhat tough ages. I think the best strategy is to make sure that your communication and attention to both children is positive and with lots of interaction with you and their dad. Maybe you and she (your step daughter) could go out together alone and have some special time together.... something fun for both and relaxing. She may want more of an emotional connection with you and just doesn't know how to say it..... so some fun time alone with you may help you to connect more with her.
Good luck

Answer 6

You need to have the same expectations for your stepdaughter as you have for your biological daughter. When you praise your daughter for doing positive behaviors, the stepdaughter will pick up on that and want the same attention. Obviously she is having a hard time with going between two houses and God knows what she must be hearing from her mother. Be patient, but set rules and boundaries for her. Don't just criticize, but use more encouragement. Eventually she will come around, you just have to be patient. She is afterall, only five.

Answer 7

Ok, this is difficult cos you could get cast in the role of "wicked step-mother."
(I had one of those so I know what it feels like! It's not very nice! It can be very frightening).

I know she's not your child, but perhaps you need to find the love & understanding in your heart, so she does feel part of the family...

This little (confused) girl isn't to blame for how she is.
She is a product, so to speak, that you didn't produce!
It's pointless blaming her mum or dad, cos that wont get you anywhere.

Your choices are: Either befriend her & make your house rules clear OR you stop her coming to your home (if that is possible).

I would try option 1 by sitting down with her & gently explaining how YOU like to do things - so you are helping her by teaching some manners. Is that so hard?

Understand please, she is only 5 years old.
(My kid is 9 & still has to be reminded every time almost to say please, thank you etc. Usually, she's just too immersed in what she's doing to even know you're speaking to her!)

It's not her fault she shop-lifted either!
Maybe she doesn't understand how shops work yet?
Maybe she did steal but only cos no-one made it clear enough to her that she shouldn't?
Maybe she doesn't have a lot to call her own?

If her behaviour causes your child to misbehave, firmly tell your step-daughter, when she has behaved unacceptably, to go out of the room i.e. put her in another room for 5 minutes or so, then explain to her gently what she's done wrong,
& then talk to your child about not copying.

By talking about the unacceptable behaviour with the children, when they are calm, they can begin to understand what the differences are between right & wrong.

If her mum continues to be unhelpful, I suggest you write down what happened during the visit/s, in a sort of home-link diary, that is passed to her at the end of each visit, to help her understand you have no wish to antagonise but you do want to share the care plan.
Do you have her phone number & permission to call if things get difficult during the visit? That would also help her to realise you are actually struggling, & she can have some input.
(That will help to relieve you of some of the responsibility!)
Perhaps at the moment she is feeling she doesn't want to offend you, by offering advice re: how she copes with her daughter?

Much better to get her mum on your side so feels part of the arrangement & not estranged from it.

What role does her dad play in all this? Does he support your decisions? He does need to do that (if what you're saying is fair). Can he speak to this child's mum, on your behalf, to help gain her sympathy & co-operation?

I do not know if you can access a health visitor or services to help with difficult behavious provided via your GP, for your step-daughter, but perhaps her dad could?

Maybe parent classes would help? (Though you might feel resentful of the need...)

Maybe PARENTLINE could help? Tel: [phone]
(hope that's not an out of date phone number).

Good luck.

Answer 8

Her mother probably enjoys her misbehavior with you to tell the truth.
Have a talk with your stepdaughter and tell her she is loved very much, but there are new rules in place. She is no longer allowed to be disrespectful to you or her sister and tell her what the consequences will be, so she knows what to expect. As for the mother, I would ignore most of what comes out of her mouth.
We had the same issues with my step-son. Once we laid down the law and enforced it, it did get better after a short while. It won't get better overnight, in fact it may get a bit worse until she realizes you mean what you say, but it will get better. He's 12 now and we have no problems with him being disrespectful to us or his other siblings.

Answer 9

you and her dad have to come together on this one. let her know that she will be treated equal the will be no special treatment. we can not let five year old control us as adults. make a list of rules and give a copy to her mother and let her know as long as she is under your roof you will abide by them. you really need her dad support on this. also get the girls in some kind of bible study, so they can learn that we should treat others as we would like to be treated. In the mean time read to them the book of proverb in the Bible.
I wish you well and I will say a prayer for everyone that is involved, because everyone has to do their part, and that including the mother of the five year old.

Answer 10

As a stepmum myself I know exactly where you are coming from. It is one of the hardest jobs around. It may get better in time as my situation has, but there will always be some jelousy and resentment between and child and a step parent. Please check out this website. www.mumsnet.com (then go to talk and then to step parenting). They have been an absolute godsend to me over the last couple of years. You will be able to talk to other people in identical situations to yourself and it really does help. My thoughts are with you x