Am i too relaxed?

Question

My mother-in-law thinks i'm to relaxed with my 18 mo. daughter (she calls it bohemian.) A good example is when she goes into what i call "destructo mode" and takes out all her toys and tips over her toy bins, takes all the cushins and pillows off the couch. And pulls down just about anything she can get her hands on. She is not hurting anything and isn't doing it maliciously, so i don't stop her. When she has gotten it out of her system, i have her "help" me pick everything up and put it back into its place. My philosophy is not to try not to make a big deal and she won't want to do it as much because it does not get a reaction from mommy.

My mother-in-law belives in swift and strict. I should stop the behavior immediatly and my relaxed attitude will create a spoiled brat. She is a handful, but she is a toddler and I thought that was normal. Is my mother-in-law right? Am i too relaxed?

Its only at home that she does it. She has never even tried it at others.

She is not throwing a fit. But that would be another good example. When she does, i make it a point to ignore her. Like she isn't even there. (even though sometimes thats really hard) The fit seems to disapate a whole lot faster than if i don't react.

i mean "if i don't react" not "than if i don't react."

Answer 1

If you're just talking about her toys and some couch cushions I don't think you're being too relaxed.

There is just one point that may be worth mentioning: If you tell a baby of a year or so on a few things she cannot do it will help her brain develop in a way that could help her learn that she can't just do anything at all. Telling her "no" on a few basic things not only helps her to learn that there are some basic "no's", but it will help her learn to think about what she has been told not to do and learn to stop herself before you have to say "no".

One problem children have once they get to be four or five and start preschool or kindergarten is that some of them don't have the "social maturity" (and sometimes brain development) required to understand that there are sometimes some basic rules and to be able to use self-control.

So while I think your mother-in-law may be a little too much, and while I let my kids use my cookbooks to build stairs for themselves in my living room, I do think you will do a disserve to your child if you don't just have a couple of basic "no's" that will help her learn and develop that type of thinking abillity and self-control. If you go to www.zerotothree.org and look for the article on nurturing you will see how brain connections are being made in the first three years and how if a mother doesn't know how to encourage the right types of brain connections the brain will lose the ability to form them later.

Maybe if you don't mind letting her take the couch cushions you could tell her "no" on some of those other things you say she pulls down.

Answer 2

You said that she wasn't doing it maliciously, and so I'm assuming that she's doing this just while she plays, not in tantrum mode.
I don't think it's a problem, either, as long as it isn't turning into her wrecking the house, and you having to clean it up. That could easily turn into a life-time of your child treating you like the maid.
Making a mess can be great fun, and this can be an opportunity for you to let your child express herself with "free-play"...and truly allow her to express herself, as long as she is not destructive.
At the end, you need to make sure that she understands that "she" is picking up the mess....or at least thinks she is....at this age, that's not really practical.
Ask you MIL what she fears is going to happen if you let your child just be herself, and not try to control every second of her play. If your MIL just has a more controlling personality than you do, you may be able to tell by her answer, and just agree to disagree. If she has a legitimate concern about you letting your little darling turn into a house-wrecker, then you can adjust your approach JUST enough to make her comfortable without going into play-nazi mode.

Answer 3

Children tend to go through different stages in their life where they experiment new things. One of these stages is exactly what your daughter is doing. 18 months may be considered young but it's also a good age to start teaching her right from wrong. What you're doing is a start and since your daughter helps you clean up the mess she's not really being rebellious. Furthermore she may not have the patience needed to search for a particular toy so pouring out everything helps, for her at least. Guide her from helping you, to cleaning up the mess by herself as she grows older and she'll soon stop making a mess. That's how my children started and now they're able to independently clean up not only their toys but even help me with the household chores :)

Answer 4

No! Thats mother in laws for you - always thinking they know better! You're doing a great job! Since when is being relaxed a BAD thing???

My philosophy is not to try not to make a big deal and she won't want to do it as much because it does not get a reaction from mommy. <<<< good philosophy - very true!!!

Answer 5

I agree with you 110%! I have 4 kids and all of them were brought up the "Bohemian" way. They are not brats or spoiled. Why go crazy over it, as long as you make it a point to clean it up after shes done. Your mother in-law is "old school" my mother used to do that to us growing up. My philosophy, don't sweat the small stuff, take one moment at a time and choose your battles wisely!

Answer 6

when she calms down from her tantrum explain to her what she did was naughty and start using a timeout 1 min per 1 yr of age she is old enough to understand that it was wrong, then when the timeout is over have her help you pick the stuff back up .. it may keep her from doing this when she finds out that there will be consequences for her actions, if you interfere while shes doing it she may just find another way to act out, if you wait till she has calmed down she will listen more, you would want to try this method to stop the behavior now before she starts doing it at other peoples house which is quite embarrasing.... and no you are NOT too relaxed its just that your still learning which every parent does :) hope this helps

Answer 7

my son does the same thing!!
i let him continue(unless he is harming himself or his brother)
the behaviour doesn't last long. I believe in the same philosophy.
I thought my 2 year old swore the other day and i just ignored it because i thought if i made a big deal of it he would know it was wrong and he continue to say it because he gets a reaction from me.
your toddler seems normal to me and you certainly are not to relaxed!!
good on you!! i think it takes more guts and patience to do what you do then being so strict.

Answer 8

You do sound mighty relaxed. Good for you! I don't think it's a big deal (as long as your daughter helps you clean up) but you really don't want her doing this at other people's houses. Now is the perfect time to start gently teaching her to take care of her things - it will be easier in the long run for you.

Answer 9

You are what love and logic instructors would call a consultant. Your mother in law is what they would call a helicopter. I do not think you are wrong. You are letting your child make choices, and you aren't making um-important choices for them. I suggest you read Love and Logic, Early Childhood. and Helicopters, drill Sargent's and consultants.
I think you will find piece of mind in these books. I think you are doing your child a favor.

With my older 2 children I was a helicopter. My youngest children are with a different father, he is a drill Sargent. I am working on us working together to become consultants.

Enjoy your child!

Answer 10

You are the mother, not your mother-in law and she needs to understand this!!! It is great what you are doing...and then having her pick up her mess after she is done with her meltdown...As long as she does not get a reaction from you, you are doing just fine!!!! I am strict to my 2 kids but you ar, as well by having her pick up her toys!!!kudos to you.