I have two brothers who are good human being but... a big BUT... are blank about their future.?

Question

My elder brother (26 yrs) have completed XII this year and is not interested in doing nething... we have our own family business, and I have asked him to help my parents in it but of no avail... He would only say YES... MY younger brother is also of the same kind not even completed his tenth... very weak at academics ... he is 23 yrs and have no plans for future... I don't understand how to deal with these guys... my parents are tired of telling them...
Both of them enjoy sleeping... gets up at 12 pm and sleeps at 2 or 3 am... Enjoys watching movies, playing guitar and listening to music n nothing besides this.... I think they still feels they r vry vry young to do anything..... Please help

Answer 1

Manisha,

I'm very sorry about your situation.This is really tough, isn't it? It's very hard to watch a member (or two) of the family waste his life.

That's because one of the hardest parts of life is being helpless. It is also necessary sometimes, if another is to learn the hardest and most important lessons.

First--and you must ask this without attempting to place blame--how did they get like this? What is it about their personalities and their growth that turned them this way?

About their personalities, it is no doubt the case that they think of themselves (oh, really?!) and not about others, about today and not about tomorrow. This is obvious, I know, but we have to be clear about this if for no other reason than to put your own responsibility and opportunities into a clear light. If their case is one of self-centeredness, then the process will be a long hard one of "hard knocks," because education will not be the answer. The problem is a moral one, and only a moral decision ("I will do this or that because it is right") will solve it, and education doesn't provide that. They have to. We can try to pursuade them that making such a moral decision will improve their life, but they have to choose--there's that moral decision again--to believe it.

About their growth, quite a bit depends on their friends, for moral decisions are almost never (I can't think of any exceptions to this, though there may be some) made in isolation. They are always made in company with friends. We talk, we watch examples, and then we decide. Who are their friends?

What was their growing environment, their home, their school, the elders around them, the TV and movies they watched, the music they listened to? What goals did these instill in them?

My guess is that many of these were not positive.

And this means that you may not be able to be of much help, since you will be just one voice against many in their history. Even you adn yoru parents will be but three, and against so many around them (it's always been "cool" to be jaded and suspicious and contrary when young. I have read literature from the Fifties in which there was discussion about the "angry young man," so this attitude--found in hip-hop and and in heavy and death metal music and in others, too--is quite common and quite old.

Which means that you wish to fight biology and cultural momentum, pretty powerful forces to oppose.

Who was it who said, "Experience keeps a hard school, but a fool will learn in no other"? It may be that your brothers need a dose of experience. Words are not going to work on them. You've tried.

The Biblical book of Proverbs has four words that are translated "fool," among them the one who will not listen. Even that many centuries ago we knew that there are people who will only learn the hard way. It would appear that your brothers are among them.

At 26 and only now a senior in high school, they have had a very long period of grace. In many households, they would have been forced to work at something long ago. They apparently do not want to think about this, nor about their responsibility to themselves or to others. They do not think that they themselves have to work, when that is and always has been the way of this world. They are trying to live a fantasy, an imagined life that has never been real.

It's time that they learned about reality--a reality that exacts payment for deliberately wrong choices like the ones they've been making--and you cannot shield them from the consequences of their choices.

They are not too young to do anything. In fact, they are far too old for what they are doing now. At 26 and 23 they should have grown up long ago.

Birds are eventually forced to leave the nest. It's time that your parents stopped telling them and that you stopped worrying about them. This is what your family has been doing all their lives, and as you can see, it hasn't worked. "A man's best friend is his deadline," an old saw goes. Give them a deadline to get work, save money to move out onto their own, or they'll be out on their own without a place to go. What they do after that is nobody's fault but theirs.

This may seem harsh, but don't let your feeling of (false) guilt keep them dependent. In some places, the family would be called "enablers," doing what they want in order to give them the life that they want, out of fear or guilt.

It's time to stop it. A Simpson's episode had a kid who lived for nothing but reading comic books (sorry, "graphic novels"). A nuclear missile was launched onto Springfield, and the kid was last seen walking out of a store with an armload of comi...graphic novels, seeing the missile coming straight for him and saying, "I've wasted my life."

You don't want your brothers to be in a situation like that, where they realize what they've done too late. It's time to teach them what they need to learn now.

It's a hard lesson, yes, but it's not your fault. They've chosen this life, and so they've chosen the consequences. These consequences are simply the natural result of their choices. The fault is theirs.

I'm sorry about this. I've had family members in much the same situation--a niece who became a stripper and can't keep a relationship, a cousin who died of AIDS, another who attempted suicide, an uncle who is a layabout and can't keep a job--and while we've wanted to shield all of these from the harm that they've caused themselves, we couldn't do it. If someone wants to do something stupid, he will, and usually, it's the only way he will learn the really important lessons.

Give them a direction (since they will not choose one for themselves), an easy one, perhaps--a job at Burger King, say, or at some temp agency--and a choice: the job and eventually ( in six months) a place of their own (they could even share a place), or nothing, because in six months they will either pay rent, food, and utilities or not live where they are.

They may not believe you--some friends of ours had a son like that, and it took him some time to realize that mom and dad were serious--for a while, but they will if they only come to their senses after hearing the front door close behind them for the last time.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Hey, I'm sorry to say that there isnt much you can do. It is up to your parents. Now i dont know what you and your parents have tried, but think that your parents need to set some rules about maybe getting them to pay rent or something. Well see i too have a brother that slacked off at school and barelly graduated. Me and my mom were nagging him to finish school, but after grade 12 we told him he has two choses, he either continue school or work and also had to start paying for bills and rent. well its been about 5 years now and my brother still isnt big on the academic side, however he has found his strong point and what he wants to do, he does go to school, but in trades. The thing is that if they arnt into the school thing then its not the end of the world and trying to force them into the family business is not going to help, because most likely is that they arent interested in that. BASICALLY, after all my blah blah Your parents need to not try to get them to Contribute to the family but just tell them straight up that they need to find away to live (pay rent, etc..) And i also think that thye need to work on one of your brothers, then the other will follow. see which one your parents connect with better, or just aim for the oldest one, the younger one will slowly follow... Hey good luck

Answer 3

Hi!

I take it your brothers are still living at home?

If so, then your parents should give them a stiff kicking out of the house!

They really have to take ownership of their lives and whilst they are under the 'safe' umbrella of parental homelife they'll never learn.

Your parents should tell them to either help in the family business / go get a job or get out of the house. They really have to be cruel to be kind in this instance, otherwise they're as guilty as your brothers are of doing nothing.

You sound like a really lovely caring person, but they are not your responsibility, are they?

Hope this helps, and best of luck!

Answer 4

I have got 2 sons just like this.

Here's the good news. If they are not willing to work or contribute to society in any way, there are about 20 million Mexicans,20 million Indians, 10 million Fillipinos, 5 million Poles, and 5 million Roumanians who will do the work .

And your lazy brothers can lie on a urine soaked mattress up an alleyway somewhere.

Answer 5

it's time your mom and dad gave a little tough love. go to school, get a job help with family buisness, take your pick. or find another place to lay around and sleep all day. at 23 and 26 your parents arent doing them any favors by letting them get away with thietr actions.

Answer 6

My son was like that until he found his own purpose and he took off. What each of us needs is a purpose -- a purpose to live, to help, to be part of something. How this is instilled is sometimes having to get tough and sometimes it is getting them involved in a situation that is far worse than theirs-- like a community project to really help others. But sometimes it has to be put in such a way that they see it affect them and it really does. We only survive as well as our community survives. If it gets so downgraded then our very lives and livlihood is threatened.
Best regards.

Answer 7

hello manisha, your brothers are not yet in the real world to be on their own, so then your parents must tell them to go on their own, they will soon see that this is not the way to go and will return to your family business, the younger one is influenced by the older one, he sees the older getting away with his behavior, and wants to do the same, so then send them on thir own, they will soon respect your parents and see the truth of life, best wishes.

Answer 8

Cut off their money and make them work for a living put them out the house until they can get a grip on reality

Answer 9

They have no reason to do anything, they are obviously getting everything they need without having to work for it. Your parents need to give them an ultimatum...work or out. They are both old enough to make their own way, just too bone idle to do it.

Answer 10

Let your parents take care of them. Male children are pampered a lot in some families . Girls should mind their own future instead of worrying about their brothers.