dealing with my sons verbally abusive father?

Question

The short end of the story. We were in college, it was a one night stand, it never went any further than that (and yes, I know the stupidity that went along with sleeping with him that night, that is not the point here, so please don't get stuck on it) His father decided when my son was 3 years old that he wanted visitation rights. and so it began. I think that it is great for my son that his father is in his life.
THe problem...his father is the most verbally/emotionally abusive person that I have EVER known! Knowing that I have to talk to him, read an email from him, and the worst talk to him in front of my son makes shake and get sick to my stomach. He is one of the MEANEST/ANGRIEST people that I have ever met in my whole entire life. We don't like each other, and that's fine...but good God, just to be civil for our son's sake...he is unwilling to do it.
But the worst thing of it all, he treats my son like crap. And my son wants so much to be loved by him...he will take it

Any suggestions on how to deal with him when he starts raging, especially right in front of our son. I know we need to be able to talk about things about our son, and all he does is rage and point fingers and demand that it is all about money...Yes, I know set a boundary...but I sincerely need more help than that.. PLEASE!!!!!

Answer 1

be the better person always - especially in front of your son - I know if can be hard but you must show your son a positive example of an adult.

Do not bad mouth dad to your son or in front of him - it will make him feel like you are the bad one

when your ex gets abusive on the phone, tell "I am going to hang up now. I will speak with you at a time when you are calmer" and calmly hang up.

same with emails, keep them just in case you should ever need for court, etc, but do not respond until he is civil in his demeanor

as for in person, i recommend, saying, sorry, we have to go and leave

I STRONGLY suggest you get your son in some sort of counseling. He may not exhibit signs now, but having someone he can feel safe talking to, especially if your ex treats him badly. You may need to look into supervised visits or some sort of remedy like that. better your child grow up with an absent father than an abusive one

Lastly my reason for suggesting counseling is because children typically learn most of what they will ever learn about relationships by the time they are 9 years old. If yoiur son is seeing this as an example, he is seeing this as the "normal" way to treat others and certainly that is not the case.

I wish you good luck and please consider my response as well as any other helpful responses you receive.

my thoughts are with you and your son

Answer 2

If a son is abused physically, then chances are, he'll be abusive himself. When he gets older he might beat his wife, or kids, or both. If he is abused verbally, then he'lll probably suffer from a low self esteem all his life. He'll most likely have relationship problems. He'll never accept who he is, and in some cases someone who is abused in anyway when they're younger, could become suicidal. If anything is destroyed, it's his self esteem. But it can be repaired by blocking out what has happened in the past, and telling himself that he is a good person. He didn't deserve what happened to him when he was younger, and he's not going to let it ruin his life. It's all about will power. Drinking, making suicide threats, and abusing other people won't do any good. Just cause more pain. He'll have to let go of the past and look forward to the future.. that's the only way the hurt will ever be repaired. Not everyone who is abused becomes abusive.. it just depends on the person and how they handle certain situations.

Answer 3

First of all I feel for you, secondly there was no mention of marriage , if no marriage has there been a hearing to determine custody? a lot of states do not have automatic custody for unmarried couples, are the visitations set by the court ? If no then you should definitely contact a lawyer get custody ,and visitation set by the courts you can have him awarded supervised visits. If all the above is done ,have a friend to use a video camera and capture his childish rage on video, take it to your lawyer ,and have the visitation order modified. someone mentioned a tape recorder DO NOT do this until you know for a fact it is legal ,most states will not allow tape recorded conversations to be admissible in court if one of the parties is unaware of the recording, then he could have you charged with illegal eavesdropping or recording . I wish you the best of luck I do know what you are going through ,I have lived in family court over the past 8 years I have custody of 2 ,working on the 3rd. it is costly ,but it is worth every dime when the other parent was not raised to behave. It would be best you speak to a lawyer to see what is required to have sole physical custody if the parents were not married . Plus with the courts on your side you can have more control over where ,and when he can come around ,Save all e-mails Hopefully there is a family court judge where you live that has a big enough pair to jerk a knot in his *** when he gets out of line ......Sorry so long best of luck to you,and your son

Answer 4

You can't let this ****** be in your sons life. You're son isn't old enough to realize how this relationship will harm him in the long run.

Get a small tape recorder and keep it in your pocket. Every time he talks to you click that button and record everything he says. Keep every email, and document every incident with thorough descriptions of how your son was reacting to the behaviour.

After you've gathered enough evidence of his unfitness to be in your child life, go to your lawyer and get his visitation changed to "supervised" or suspended until he gets counseling. That way your son will be protected from his father's mental illness.

Your son should probably go for counseling too. The angst a child feels in a situation requires professional help.

If you don't have the $ for this, go to a women's center and they can refer you for free legal help and counseling.

Answer 5

Well if your not living with him, and when he comes over, tell him he will have to leave,
if he starts in on you ,or him. ask him what his problem is and why hes so hateful. maybe he hates himself, or his guilt is eating him up inside. as for your son, maybe he should ask his dad. why he treats him like he does. Set aside a day, and make time for them both just to sit down and talk. unhook the phone and put up a no disturb sign.
Get him and his son together, and standby but don't interfere,stay within ear shot, and just let them two be alone together. And don't crowd them. it will make it worse. set them both down ,and let them hear each other out. And listen for anything, that may help his relationship with his son. take notes, and try to figure it out.
you never did say how old your son was. Maybe his dad, just needs someone to listen, and maybe,he dosen't know how to tell his son ,hes sorry. Maybe his dad needs to know someone cares.
Ask your sons dad to come over for dinner or what have you,find out when he has time.so he won't have to leave. If they have to talk allnight then let them.

Answer 6

get a recorder and hide it somewhere... then record one of his visits... take that to a lawyer and get a restraining order on him...

it sucks that your son wants his respect... but if he tries to gain the respect of someone like that... he might end up the same way

remove his dad from his life... and talk to your son about it....

itll suck

but its better then the alternative

Answer 7

I wouldn't open that door to him, he'd have to take me to court first. And appear in court I would with a video to show the judge exactly how he acts.

Answer 8

i would divorse =/

good luck...........