is it wrong?

Question

I’m 18 years old and got pregnant when I was 17 by my ex boyfriend. Now I know it was a mistake so I’m not looking for answers like that but I am looking for some good advice. THANKS! We were going through a really bad break up when I found out I was pregnant and I told him that I was pregnant. There was a point when his family was being very nasty towards me and I couldn’t handle it and I thought I was going through a miscarriage.. So I told him I had one and left him. Later on that week I found out everything was okay with my pregnancy. WELL I’m due next month and I still haven’t told him that everything is really okay. I’m finishing high school and going to school being a nurse ( already got excepted to a community college around where I live) I have amazing friends and very hard working parents that are standing behind me. My ex’s is living in apartment with 2 of his buddies and is a so called player.. He drinks every night didn’t finish high school , smokes like no other, traded in his new 03 Honda… for some 1999 low rider truck.. His family is VERY WHITE TRASH and dramatic .. He once told me that he didn’t want any of his kids to have a better education than him, and his family is the type of family too ( once my kid is old enough) talk about my family to her. I really really don’t want this kind of life style for my kid.. Should I tell him? THANKS! No rude answers please

Answer 1

He and his family sound SO WORTHLESS! Don't tell him! Who cares if he finds out later--you know he doesn't care if you do have his child because he didn't hang around to find out if you really did have a miscarriage. BTW, that person on here is a jerk for saying you lied to him about having a miscarriage. They obviously can't read. Later on down the road if he finds out and does want to be in her life then fine, but any time he misses is not your responsibility--you're acting in the best interest of your child. Good luck to you in nursing school. My sister is in her junior year now and she loves it! : )

Answer 2

this is a really hard ? to answer, but..... that is really something u and only u will need to deside. if it were me i'd feel really bad that i told him i had a miscarriage and didn't say any different. that is a lie and a lie will come back sooner or later. there r several things that u need 2 look at;
if/when he does find out maybe a few yrs from now, but just say that he has straightened out and he wants the child. he can take u 2 court and say that u kept him from his child and that won't look good and plus u know he's gonna tell they that u lied about the miscarriage.
then there's always the chance of something happening to the child (hope not) and say that the child needs something like blood or something of that nature that she will need from only him.
look at it this way, if u have/had a brother that acted like him, wouldn't u yet want his ex to let u and ur family know that u have a neice/nephew?
there's alot that u need 2 sort out, but YOU need to do this and not let someone else make this desion 4 u.
HOPE THIS HELPS>>> good luck :)

Answer 3

I don't know! That is hard, because there is a part of me that says you should and a part of me that says screw it! Let me share this, my sister was married and she started cheating on her husband with a Mcdonald's Manager, and then she became pregnant, she did not know who the father was! Okay, you are thinking what does this have to do with me, but let me finish, her husband was willing to forgive and forget and raise the baby whether or not it was his, all she had to do was lose the geek! You see she and her husband had already had 2 sons together, so she decided that the other guy was a loser and he was jobless, and so she stayed with her husband. The baby was born and they had to get a DNA test (though it really was not needed, the baby looked just like the GEEK!!)! DNA proved that it was not her husband's, but he was still willing to look the other way and raise it as his own, did she follow, NO!! She decided that she just had to find the freak Mcdonald's Fired Manager and tell him about his son. She found him and somehow they got together and she and her husband divorced. They were trying to work things out and remarry, but another girl came in and threw a bomb on that, now he is remarried to that other girl, and my sister dumped the father of that other son, and is now with another guy! I just hope it works out for her! The moral of the story is that she went looking for the other man and she had it all, husband, money, and security. She was not happy and needed more, so she looked for it and wrecked it all. For what, a LOSER and she ain't even with him anymore either, LOL! If he is like you say, maybe you ought to not say, but if you really feel bad about it and think that he has a right to know, then tell him, but in my opinion, you can manage without him! Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Answer 4

This is a tough one. On one hand, he deserves to know that he is going to be a father - that would likely mean you must allow visitation if he wants this. I don't know how nasty his family can be but they may fight for visitation, even custody! Make sure you get a good lawyer. That being said, he would also be required to pay child support. If you feel that you really don't want him to be involved in the raising of your child because he would be a bad influence (think hard about this...a crappy dad is still a dad - think about your child's wants and needs), then make an agreement with him that if he waives all rights to the child he won't need to pay support - Again, Make sure you have a really good lawyer!

Answer 5

If you can afford to support your child on your own, go for it and don't tell him. I hope you intend to give her your last name. Just keep in mind that if you ever go for any type of emergency assistence, as most people have to in life, they can require you to disclose the father. I agree w/ what you're doing though. My friend keeps letting her ex around their son, and in the past few months, he has tried to rape her, slit his wrists in front of his son, taken him for a 2 hour visit that ended up being a week long and she only got her son back when she tricked the father into coming to her apartment w/ him and had the cops remove him from the premises, minus the child. Just the other night he tried choking her and he gave her black eyes. That kind of man doesn't deserve to be a father. But your daughter does deserve to have kind, loving male role models in her life. Since you're going to be a nurse, you will need lots of good childcare, but it sounds as if you have a good support system set up w/ your friends and family. Lucky you! Good luck w/ whatever you decide to do!

Answer 6

No, from what you describe it doesn't sound like he there would be any advantage to telling him. If you are keeping your baby, (adoption?) then what you need to concentrate on is providing it with the most stability possible. Your baby is going to have to be your number one priority from now on. It isn't about you anymore, it is about the baby!!! Finish your school let your parents help even if it isn't their problem. Remember that your baby didn't ask to be born and you need to make the best decisions for her to make sure that she grows up in a loving stable family. With as little disfunction as possible because no family is perfect. I hope you make the right decision and that we don't have another baby from a broken home with immature parents. Suggestion: Dr Laura Schlessinger , you should listen to her radio show she's a little brutal but when you get down to it she is right!!

Answer 7

though this father doesnt deserve the right to know anything about this child; the truth of the matter is that he should know. chances are he wont change but you have to give it a shot to at least say you tried. once you have given him this information, take him to court and force him to give up his rights to the child. you can then rest assured that you did everything legally and morally right with no bad feelings behind it. then you and the child can move on with your lives. its seems best that way. i went through a similar situation and i'm confident in my decisions. you sound as if you have your life together so i dont see you making any wrong decisions in the future even if you dont tell this "BOY" about this child. however you have to think in the future when your child wants to know who his/her father is. better face it now rather than later. i wish you the best of luck. dont let this experience bring you down. it should make you stronger.

Answer 8

By all means, YES...coming from a mans point of view it is important for him to know everything about his child. Although you may not want him to be a part of the childs life it is important for him to know you both you and the baby are okay. I am sure that deep inside it is important to him, maybe this is why he is drinking and smoking so much? He may not be the best father figure for the child, but he still IS the father. I would suggest that you and your ex seek professional help. I am the product of a broken home and have not spoke to my father in years and I say that it doesent bother me but deep down I know it does. In any sense "staying together for the child" is not an appropriate reason to continue dating but WORKING together for the child is extremely important as the child should know who both parents are weather they may be good or not. Hopefully everything works out for you and best of luck.

***I am not a psychologist or doctor of anykind. This is advice from one PERSON to another. My biggest suggestion would be counseling for both you and the baby's father.

Answer 9

Wow... it sounds like you're both going to be better off without him in your lives... but, he does have a right to know.
I think that if yo ualready have it in your head that you will be raising this baby on your own (with help from friends and family), then maybe you should let him know that you're not looking for his involovement, you just wanted to make him aware of it.
If he decides to be involved, great... if he wants nothing to do with the baby... have him sign his rights away.

Good luck... life is going to be hard for the next few years... but you will come out of it all, and be very happy!!! Congrats.

Answer 10

Congrats on keeping your stuff together with all that's happened. Yes, it is wrong not to tell him. But not because he has a right to know. His rights don't matter a whole lot in light of his actions. But that baby's rights do matter. And he has a right to know who his father is. In most cases, doctors will tell you a bad dad is better than no dad, except in extreme cases. I wouldn't want him involved either, but if he's like what you say he is, it likely won't come to that because he won't want to spend his partying money on a lawyer to fight you, and he won't want to have to take care of a baby. I would worry about him finding out and then being so ticked you didn't tell him that he goes after the baby just to get back at you.
I totally understand your situation, and I've been there. I considered telling my ex bf that I lost our baby when I moved out at 4 months pregnant. He's a liar and a player and totally irresponsible in every aspect of his life, but, he is my son's biological father, and my son has a right to know that. My ex's rights couldn't matter less in the situation. It's my son's feelings and rights I'm protecting. I didn't want my son to have to have 'unknown' for the father on his birth certificate. His father, being what he is, has never fought me for anything and goes long periods of time without seeing my son. My parents stood behind me like yours (we live with them) and that presents a united front that I don't think my ex will ever be dumb enough to try and fight.
So...tell him. Maybe tell him in a letter rather than face to face, to you don't have to get any more entrenched in his raunchy drama than necessary. And as much as he would be a bad influence on the child, if he wants to see the child, let him. For the child's sake, not his. But be there. Supervise. Never let him be alone with your child.
Good luck