Why do I only attract married or gay men?

Question

I am not sure why and have tried to analyze myself a lot, but I do seem to attract men who I think are single but are in fact married or gay!. I go for men from 35 to 45 but who are well-built and/or tall because height/build matters to me.

I am 33 and very attractive and young looking even for my age but have done so much for my age and am a sincere, polite and very shy sort of person. I really am worried about getting older and never having a man in my life and have been single for two years now.I want genuine love and romance but just can't seem to have it because I am a recluse and too mature for clubbing.

I have no friends I can hang around with and am completely on my own and am trying to get a job after my last one ending at xmas. So my situation isn't great but that is also because I feel very down for being on my own and being surrounded by loved-up couples where I live in a shared house. I am trying to change my life but doing that on your own is so hard.

I live in a very expensive town and jobs are scarce unless you are a solicitor or doctor!. I have moved around too much in my life and am settled now but just know no one at all and most people of my age are married or gay or are like me hiding away!.

I want a man of around 38, 6ft2 - 4, genuine and sweet and stable and who just wants a loving and genuine woman who is ambitious but needs a partner to believe in me.

Answer 1

Wow Shikira,

We seem to live fairly parallel lives! I will try to offer as much as I can by way of advice and support.

I am 33 years old, soon to turn 34 in March. Everyday, I feel as if I am racing against some clock. I think this may be your problem too? Time is something we cannot control, and when you feel out of control, you feel your life has no direction.

Shikira, I don't have any girlfriends to confide in or hang with either. The females that have tried to befriend me or that I have tried to befriend, either turned out to be too needy and emotionally draining, or they were backstabbing and self-serving. However, I am not completely devoid of female companionship. I have a few girls I talk with from work and a few women in the neighborhood that I talk with... but I don't "hang" with anyone. There are advantages and disadvantages to this. On a positive note, I don't have people constantly competing for my attention. On the negative end of the spectrum, I have found that my social situation has led to a bit of resentment and reclusive behavior... thus leaving me depressed and anxious for what "seems" to be an emotional, physical, and social ideal.

You mentioned that you are a "recluse", that you "feel very down", that changing your life "on your own is so hard" and that you are "worried about getting older". You have already sabotaged yourself and any potential relationship that you might possibly obtain due to your negativity. Men see this and prey on such vulnerability. You may not think you're sending off these negative and equally depressing signals, but you are.

As for the married men, they see you as someone they may be able to take advantage of due to your obvious low self-esteem. I am happy to see that you haven't given in to such men (as your post seems to imply)

As for the gay men, I think they see something in you that they want to rescue. Please don't be deceived by all of the men that appear gay. Some may be bisexual as well, although they may still hold the same agenda or a similar one, with sexual undertones.

To change your life, start by allowing a more vested interest in you. Pinpoint your depression and work on it. Start by landing a nice job. I know that not being gainfully employed has to be a major blow to your esteem. Work on that first. From there, when you have a nice cashflow coming in, use some of your hard earned money on you. Find a stylist, a spa, a few hotspots that you would want to be seen in, and go from there. Push your shy personality aside and let the other you come through. I know you have one, so you have to work on allowing it to come out. Be personable! Darn it, go where the men are and don't be afraid to do it. People have mentioned taking a night course at your local university, hanging out in bookstores, going to the movies, window shopping (I mean power shopping while looking fierce as all get out)... The more you are out, the more opportunity you will have to attract men or open the door to opportunities in which you can be approached.

Lastly, don't limit your pool of men. Leave a bit more room for height and age.... I personally would not look for really older men, but that is only my personal opinion. It has been my experience that they are either married, have been married and are emotionally needy, or we don't click as far as social intellect and physical attraction.

All that said, I wish you the best. Think positive and have faith that you will be restored and made to have an whole and fulfilling life.

Answer 2

Here's a more sympathetic theory than what I've seen posted so far:

Two years of being single might seem like a long time to the conscious mind, but if the subconscious mind isn't ready for a relationship then it can steer you into dead ends to protect itself. Maybe you need to resolve some grief from the past. Is it comfortable for you to be a recluse, or does this seem out of character? If it's out of character, then that's another condition you can try to analyze.

Or it could just be ordinary stress. Job-hunting and an uncomfortable living situation can stress people out so much they become reclusive and isolated, then go back to normal when things settle down.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Unfortuantely, you can't get to the endgame without playing the game in the first place.

Try a dating service. Have your friends intro you to a single guy.

Try not to expect perfection and your 100% standards when meeting people. Men 35-45 are not usually their high school selves physically.

I'm not advocating settling for just anyone, but I am saying that beyond the whole hght/bld thing, you still have to get past the whole emotional/relationship/personality thing which is MUCH harder.

Good luck

Answer 4

Well, if they're attracted to you then news flash, they're not gay. I'd say you need to get out more. Go to events around your town, such as concerts, any sort of festival, or get-togeher. Go to the movies... If you're spiritual then find a place of worship. Lots of women have found their soul mates at church. After you get a job you'll start feeling better about yourself. Get out more. You don't have to go to bars to find a man, and you wouldn't want to find one in a club anyway. Good luck!

Answer 5

Lower your standards and you probably won't have that problem. Love doesn't always come exactly how we want it. A brilliant man that is 5'5" may come along, but you are too blind to the fact because you want him to be this perfect person that you conjured up. It doesn't work like that. You have to chose from what you got when you aren't at the top of the food chain.

Answer 6

Sweetie you have a case of what I like to call, gaydar. I have a gay brother,and i know girls like this. I think you are more yearning for a man that knows all,and has more of a personal relationship,and to your disappointment they turn out to be homosexual.
As for married men,thats an avenue I wouldn't even step into. Broaden your perspective and don't indentify yourself as having a "type",because its a common human thing to stick to one thing,when we all shouldn't really have a "type"...be open to new ideas...men with personalities,etc.

Answer 7

Look at who you are trying to get hooked up with? What person who is in there mid 30s to early 40s is single. Get real. Now you might even need to date someone who is younger than you. But I know that you think you are young but your not. So look at the Facts OLD PERSON. But that is too much for somone who can't not be better than someone else...

Answer 8

Just curious but dosen't being attracted to you contradict them being gay? Or did you mean they are bi?

Answer 9

you attract those you wish to attract..think about what you just wrote..you have NO friends? You CAN'T find blah, blah, blah?
Yep, no wonder..think it over.

Answer 10

because ur name is shakira and ur hips dont lie