I have been seaperated from my exhusband who had an affair for 2yrs. we have been divorced for 8months I have been dating this wonderful man over the last 15months and my ex husband and children a relentelss about it. My exhusband says inappropriate things about the man I have been dating and the kids agree with him . They make it misearble when he is here which is not often at all. Tonight my son broke 5 roses from a bouquet that my boyfriend sent me out of spite. I am at my wits end. The sitation has gotten out of control I have taking therapists advice about how to handle the situation with the kids but becaause my exhusband is having difficulty with it he is making it next to impossible for the kids to be comfortable with it. My boyfriend vary rarly comes over for dinner with the kids in the last 15 months he has been over a hand ful of times which to me that is not alot. I jsut don't know what to do. I love this man I see a future with him however it is difficutl with the kids
2007-02-06 12:26:43 · 14 answers · asked by emb 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
wow, tough situation.... I was pretty lucky when I started to date again after I left my ex... I did not introduce the kids to him till I knew that I would want him in their future.. even if he and I ended up splitting... it was from a parenting class divorcees have to take.. learned a lot...
one of the things that we went over were the feelings...the anger at the loss, the feelings that it is their fault (even after we tell them over and over it is not) oh, my favorite be prepared to explain and even re-explain at various ages/stages of developement... what we were told/taught is that for instance I had a one yr old, three and eight or nine? anyway... I explained it... done? no.... because they understand and comprehend only to their age developement... so as they grow, they will have questions deeper and requiring us to reopen those wounds.. that hurt.. and answer.... and all with no anger lol... I know... my ex played the same game (still does) that it sounds like yours might play...we (the mommies or custodial parent) have to be the ones to actually let go of what happened and be "the better" person.. not that the children will ever know... but anyway.... he may have more questions... or he may be very angry with himself even.. might envision himself as "the man" of the house... some boys have been known to develop a bond during the divorce and think that mommy is "all theirs now and forever" like daddy was... not in a sick or twisted way... or your son may be hoping for his father to come home... to be a whole family again... that is one idea for the acting out.... kids get this idea at timesthat "if only she/we weren't dating that guy/woman then my parents would be back together and everything would be perfect" the counter is that it just has to be re-enforced.. sounds easy but is not, I know... for all the senarios btw... you need to set limits on his acting out.. valid his anger... let him know we all get angry or frustrated.. but that if we all went around ripping other people flowers, or belongings it would be a messy place.. with a lot of people hurt that their things were broken.... I try and put a silly twist on things while doing my talks, because it opens my kids up a little.. they try and top my silliness... so we get a verbal going slowly... and soon we are on topic of where the hurt comes from... or we explore that together... sometimes, they just do not know...
the actions tonight do warrant a consequence... I know he is hurting and at least for me? my initial response would be to just let him know he did something wrong, and I am upset... and then drop it.. hoping he would work it out internally... but, experience? I did that for my daughter.. she had it roughest I felt.. and the hurt wounded look... and knowing she was hurting.. it got me good everytime... she once cut a hole in my parents leather couch... fo rno other reason than she was mad.. her father had just dropped her off after visit... my father noticed she was playing with the arm and said "be careful with that... don't go making a hole or anything" she got the scissors out as soon as he left the room.. and next thing I knew? I was being called out of the family room to face my very angry father and a daughter sobbing and choking on tears... and neither could talk.. so he pointed.. and I crumbeld after talking to her... and she got off scot free.... and I learned the hard long damaging road? it did not work that way....
as for the guy in your life... well mor ethan one.. you have at least the one son you refer to.. the ex and the boyfriend... I see by some answers you already heard the children come first... and it is true.. but it is not the same... push comes to shove and my husband (the one I had been dating ) knows my children come first... they did before I left my first husband.. and always will.. but? that does not mean I have to spend my nights or days alone... no reason for that at all... I would suggest that you spell it out for your son/children... this is the guy you are dating... and although you have heard some horrible lies from your ex? they ar enot true... get your ex involved in this.. oh, I know.. sounds dumb... but remind him that he is hurting your children... and that you know he does not want that... put it back on his head.. in his hands... if he can't be mature about it, then try doing part in front of the kids (unless he would turn it into a fight) just say something along the lines please refrain from making any new lies about my boyfriend please.. you have the children confused and upset enough.... the kids will come to their own conclusions.... the right ones usually.... and also if they always see you being nice.. not giving in to the fighting, picking proding...? it takes longer but they pick up on it and they come to see which parent is bitter and at times even the why... and that when hurt, angry they already know they would and have made things up.. said mean things... if nothing but compassion and love come from your end? they will see the truth for what it is.. and the lies... I know this last part takes years in some aspects... but? it is well worth it.. why? because they grow up secure and knowing the love not anger that the other parent is sitll trying (without knowing it) to pass on to the children... sit the kids down.. explain all over again if needed that this is a person that is very important.. but he in no way replaces them..nor will it take the time away from them... if he has expressed a wish to spend time with them too? let them know he is waiting and wants to go out with them too.. and if he has come over only a handful of times? he needs to be around more.. he may be "dating" you? but really? he is dating them as well.. and? he needs to get to know them.. and vice versa.. in good moods and not so good.. yes.. good, bad and ugly.... let them have a bit of control here... by letting them know he really cares but that he is also "dating" them in a way and if they give him an honest and fair chance and they still do not like him? then in six months to a yr you and they will revisit and assess if you should all continue dating.. where the flaws are... if it is something that can be addressed/changed? or if he needs to get the boot... you would be surprised.. how often this one works.. and the only time the kids still want to boot the guy? is if there was a problem of some sort...
remember they went thru a divorce just like you... all that hurt, and whatever yours had.. an ending for sure.... only? they do not understand on our level... and they are insecure, afraid.. and need to just have come of the control of their lives given back to them in a way at times... it starts with talking though.. to understand them, and for them to understand you... you know
I do not know if you have heard all of what I typed before.. if you tried it and were not successful... or if maybe.. hopefully, some or all of this is new and helpful....
I do hope it helps... my heart and prayers go out to you... and if I have managed to add something of benefit? great.. if I can offer more? even just an ear to listen (or in this case... eyes to read ;) feel free to contact thru the answers profile addy....
good luck!
2007-02-06 13:47:22 · answer #1 · answered by elusive_001 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First, your ex is attempting to control you life through the children and prevent your chance at happiness. Attempt to find out if the children actually dislike the man or if they dislike Mom's dating. You didn't state their ages. Children often carry the belief that Mom and Dad will get back together if only they had a chance - its a dream, but children dream. Divorce is very traumatic for kids.
Have a serious discussion with kids about what they like and dislike about your man. Listen to their view.
Tell them that its wrong for your ex to say things about someone he doesn't know and that people should be judged by what they do and say. Be patient and don't get into a yelling contest.
Also develop a pat answer when they are badmouthing your man, something like: 'Did you dad tell you to say that about _____? You know that's not true."
As you already know, the future is bleak unless your kids and this new man develop a peaceful co-existence.
Good luck.
2007-02-06 12:44:08 · answer #2 · answered by jack w 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dating with kids involved is never easy. I think that if you see yourself having a future wtih this guy you need to get him involved now. He needs to get to know your kids and be willing to deal with the crap they throw at him. And handle it in the right way. If he becomes friends with them they will start to treat him better. You need to tell your children that this man is important to you and makes you happy. Tell him to show up at your house and surprise the kids with pizza and some movies. Have him get some board games the kids might want to play. Tell him to learn some magic tricks to get thier attention. Take little steps but start moving forward now or it will be too late. Let them know you just want them to be friends and that no matter what he will not replace their father.
2007-02-06 12:37:04 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Firstly i think you need to remind your ex why you's broke up in the first place. Then i would sit down and have a chat with your children and explain to them that this situation is distressing for everyone involved and that they are hurting you because they are being rude to a person who cares about you. Ask your ex to also keep his opinions to himself as you don't want your children to grow up with his negative personality.
2007-02-06 12:37:18 · answer #4 · answered by jimmychick78 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok first of all, from the kids perspective, was it dad that put it to them not to like this man or were they uncomfortable before their dad knew? Kids are perseptive. Other than that, they and you and new boytoy will have to work it out. Just make it clear to your kids that this is a special person to you and while they may not like him dating you, they do have to be civil to him and treat him as well as you with respect. And whats your exes problem anyway. He got his didn't he?
2007-02-06 13:40:03 · answer #5 · answered by binglejells2003 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Listen to the children!! IMHO You should not be dating when you have children to raise. Any time you spend with your boyfriend is less time you spend with your children, that just isn't fair. Spend the dating time with your children. Once they have grown, then jump back into the date game, if you want. All that extra time you spend with your children, will come back to you in positive way, I GUARANTEE IT.
Good Luck
2007-02-06 18:55:50 · answer #6 · answered by olschoolmom 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
How dare you ignore the needs of your kids so you can have some fling with a guy. Your kids are obviously very hurt about all of this and you care more about what's his name than them. I know this because my parents are divorced and my mom isn't dating until I leave the house because she knows how hard it would be for me. I have tons of friends with divorced parents and their parents drag them through crud and forget about them so they can sleep around and get their kicks.
I'm being harsh because your kids need you to be mom and get over your need for a guy.
2007-02-06 15:37:27 · answer #7 · answered by Sandy 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Um. Kids come first. What's the problem? Kids are usually excellent judges of character. Your ex is most likley reacting to what your kids are telling him.
2007-02-06 12:45:39 · answer #8 · answered by Gabby_Gabby_Purrsalot 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Kids come first. If you're not showing them that, then of course they're going to lash out at you. You need to make the children come first. They are your number one priority. Dating should start again when they are 18. They need their mom.
2007-02-06 12:34:33 · answer #9 · answered by jennilaine777 4 · 0⤊ 3⤋
In their eyes, you left their dad. Now it may look to them as if you're getting ready to leave THEM... and their dad appears to be reinforcing that. Look at it from their perspective.
Your first priority is to your children. Not yourself. Not your boyfriend.
2007-02-06 14:48:58 · answer #10 · answered by Amy S 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am a dad who raised two girls and ended up waiting until they were adults. Remember your first responsibility is to your children and not your hormones.
2007-02-06 12:38:09 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋