How do I effectively discipline my daughter without spanking her?

Question

My daughter is 3 and a complete diva. She can be very bossy and if she wants something she wants it right now. She has never been the type to throw a fit in public but at home she typically gets her way. All in all she's very independent. I'm afraid the line between child and parent is getting a little blurred.

I use time-out and that is effective sometimes. I really don't want to spank her. However, her father does at his house so I'm wondering if this is why she behaves so poorly at my house because she knows I'm not going to do anything drastic about it.

I guess what I'm asking is how do I redefine the boundary between parent and child without going overboard?

Answer 1

Be more consistent with your time outs. Designate a specific chair for time-outs, and enforce. Minutes equal age, so she would get three minutes when she is put in time out. Sit beside her and hold her in the chair if you have to, but make her have a three minute time out if she needs it. She will eventually learn that you mean business. Good luck.

Answer 2

A spanking is not needed to get a clear message through.
Look your daughter in the eye and firmly, but calmly, say "I am the mommy here and I am the boss, not you. I make the rules and you follow them. If you can't do that, go stand in the corner now until you can." Make sure you follow through with any 'threats' or else your daughter will not take you seriously.

Put up a sticker chart and tell her for every day that she behaves and listens to you, she can select her favourite sticker and put it on the chart. If she can manage to earn at least 4 or 5 stickers to start, then you will treat her to something at the end of the week. If your daughter is rude or demanding, remove a sticker and make sure she is aware of it.

Make sure you spend time with your daughter in order to maintain a happy relationship with her. Even just taking her out for ice cream will satisfy a 3 yr old...but don't take her out because she demands that you do. Do not treat her so often that she expects treats constantly, either.

As for her father and the spanking, calmly ask him if it is very necessary. Are the spankings just a swat, or a full-fledged spanking of five or six firm swats? If it's just a swat on a covered bottom then it shouldn't be that much of a concern, but if it's not, you may have to make some changes. Even if you are separated, you are BOTH her parents and discipline should be somewhat agreed on.

Answer 3

I think definitely don't spank her. And i'd talk to him about doing it as well. Teaching your child that it's sometimes okay to hit people is a surefire way to have a child that hits people. Children don't understand that sometimes you can hit and sometimes you can't.

Time out is definitely a good one. I'd try to stick with that. Have a set place for it where there is no other things to occupy her. Make sure it is a punishment. The other thing that my parents used to do to me is take away things- such as toys or access to the t.v. for a set amount of time. Make sure to give the things back though, when the behaviour stops. I'm not 100% sure of this as being a good idea but if nothing else works it's much better than spanking.

Apart from that though, how about rewarding good behaviour instead? Get a reward chart with stars or something and have a system like if she gets 5 stars she gets a treat. Reward good behaviour with a star. This will involve you not giving in to her as much as well, so that a treat becomes a special thing, not something she gets all the time. Then, if she behaves badly, she can loose a star as well as a time out. It makes it a worse punishment.
This will also be something you have over dad's house, which may make her behave more at yours. Though i would suggest if it works, he do a similar thing rather than spanking.

Answer 4

I read an interesting article (and of course I can't find it!) on msn.com about spanking. If you do decide to spank your children, the best way to view it is punishment not discipline. Don't spank when you are frustrated or angry, it sends the wrong message.
I have yet to spank my daughter and I am not planning on it by any means. I'm hoping that if an issue arises I'm hoping I can find another punishment but I say that now, I could be saying something very different in a couple of months too.
When she is being bossy you could simply tell her that you don't listen to bossy people even her. If she throws a tantrum walk out of the room, wait a few minutes then walk back in show and tell her the voice/actions you prefer.

Answer 5

I am not sure how much help I will be, My three year old son and I are having a lot of the same problem. He is very head strong and tells me whats what. Although I have tried several ways of discipline, spanking is my very last resort if at all. It does not help at all, just makes things worse. I would discuss this with the father, the both of you should be on the same page with raising her even if in separate homes. What he is doing is not helping you. I would also keep up with the time out, keeping consistent when she is being sassy...don't let her slide at all on it. Other than that I am sorry I could not be too much help...where the heck are those child instruction books!!!! LOL!!

Answer 6

I have a 6-year-old boy and an 11-year-old girl. About two years ago my little boy was just off-the-wall, horrible, run-the-house kind of child, and my girl wasn't much better with her yelling all day and fighting with her brother. There was LOTS of yelling in the house. I never wanted to use spankings because I was brought up with very harsh spankings and didn't want my children to be afraid of me, like I grew up afraid of my parents.

So I'm not going to tell you to spank! Sparing the rod does NOT spoil the child, and we are a very devout Modest Christian Homeschooling family.

First of all, don't yell. Children tend to learn to ignore the yelling. Kneel down to your child's level and speak to them authoritatively, but calmly. We use a Marble System. Each marble is worth a dime, and they start with 10 marbles a day. Throughout the day if the child is bad, make a big deal out of taking away a marble. If the child does something really good, give them an extra marble. This includes bedtime, each time she gets out of bed take away a marble. Then when she wakes, have her count the marbles and give her the money equivalent. Children love money and this has helped my children tremendously. My 11-year-old is the most wonderfully sweet and helpful child, I VERY rarely have to speak to her about behavior, she usually gets the full $1.00 per day on top of her chore money. My 6-year-old is a little more on the wild side, but does his chores and behaves because he doesn't want to lose any marbles, he usually gets 7-9 marbles per day, which is a HUGE improvement over where our family was when we started this. I wouldn't say they are model children, but pretty darn close to it. It might take a few days, give it a week and you should see at least a little improvement.

Answer 7

You don't need to spank. Time out is good as well as removing her favourite item, although punishment usually encourages more of the same behaviour. She knows what she can get away with when she is with you. Sometimes any attention is good attention whether the behaviour is naught or good, have you tried ignoring the bad behaviour and rewarding the good? this would be hard at first but as soon as she sees she is not getting the attention - and that you are remaining firm - perhaps just saying NO (like a broken record), and when she behaves well encourage and praise this. As a rule of thumb if we can praise and encourage more good behaviour the child will react more positively and we'll spend more time happy!

Answer 8

At home, walk away. When she throws a hissy-fit, she knows you'll then give her attention. So instead, quietly turn around and walk away. Ignore her until she starts acting normal and tell her when you start hearing her speaking nicely, then you'll answer. I've never used timeouts or spanking, but I have used this technique. It works great. Also, when you say you're gonna take something away or do something, DO IT! It's all about follow-through and being consistent.

Answer 9

i'm a believer in spanking but if you insist that you dont, get a forceful monotoned voice that you only use for discipline, use your facial expressions to mean business. Don't threaten unless you plan to follow through.

Answer 10

Maybe give her one spanking and then everytime she's not listening tell her that you'll do it agian.

But, being really consistent and firm works too. Don't be drawn into arguments with her and her excuses. Your word is final.