Domestic Violence; Corrupt Cops; What would you think??

Question

Okay. This is a lot of info. but bear with me because I need your opinions about handling this one!
I have a neighbor who is very sweet and she's a great mom of 6 and 3 yr. old boys. I've always been suspicious of her husband, but nmp, right? So, last night around 11pm, she comes over crying and claims that her husband hit her and that she needed to call 911 because he would not let her from their phone. Of course I called and went back over to the house to get the kids. He was there but didn't say anything. When the cops showed up, they went to her house rather than coming to mine. I tried to tell them to come to my place but ignored me when the husband started asking the cops to see him first. After 30 min. they came to talk to her at my house. First of all, they were so rude and extremely berating to her. They asked her if she hit her husband and obviously not knowing what kind of trouble she could get into, she admitted to slapping him after he screamed in her face and shoved her

The cop, writing all this down, says "you know I can arrest you right now for assault?" She responds, "but he pushed me and wouldn't stop screaming in my face! I didn't know what else to do." The cop says "you walk away!" she says; "he wouldn't let me!" They went back and forth, her just trying to explain what happened. Then she mentions that her husband punched her in the head and dragged her by her hair and it was like they didn't even hear her! The cop says "Well, I see no physical signs of assault on you..." He leaves and goes back to the house where the husband is for about 15 min. Comes back to my house and says "Lady, you're lucky I don't arrest you and your husband tonight, and have social services take your kids from you! I suggest you guys work it out or you find somewhere else for you and your kids to live."
I was shocked! She was shocked! What kind of cops are these???

Then she tells me today that the cops told her husband that "if I had my druthers, I'd arrest her!" She was so upset by this, she called the officer that came to the scene last night and asked him if thats what he said, and the officer said yes, but they say whatever they need to to get the situation resolved and he thought that saying that he'd arrest the wife would scare the husband a bit because then, who would take care of the kids??

Lastly, I need to mention that the husband was drunk and was told not to leave or he'd be arrested, and no one EVER acknowledged the fact that the husband prevented his wife from calling 911, which is highly illegal!

For all of you saying "She hit first", I worked with battered women many years ago, and I know for a fact that a 200lb man shoving a 120lb woman to the ground, IS assault! She slapped him AFTER that.

Answer 1

On the other hand...

It could well be that you are talking about a "clever" abuser with the fellow in this instance....sounds like he did *just* enough to provoke an assault, and then gamed the system to further abuse his wife psychologically.

It happens, happens way more often than people want to admit because the police are *not* the only ones who know and keep track of current procedure. This is especially common in instances where the woman's reputation has already been compromised courtesy of possible drug or alcohol abuse....or if there is enough of an age/experience difference between the man and wife that the woman routinely gets outwitted and played on this every time. Or if the woman is believed to be "mentally ill" or "emotionally disturbed" in which case *some* police and 9-11 dispatchers might even *refuse* to acknowledge what the woman says on grounds that "she's faking it" or "she's not been truthful or cooperative before."

So much for innocent until proven guilty, huh?

Moral of the story: Police officers are not gods. They are as human as the rest of us and some *will* take the easy way out every time even if it ends up doing the wrong thing. Just because it is easier to do that than it is to get trained and to deal with "crazy women" or "emotionally disturbed people".

Answer 2

Actually she did not hit first, if he was physically shoving her around the house and pulling her hair she was simply defending herself.
Do her a favor and help her find a shelter or get some crisis counseling.

As for the cop's response I don't know where you live but a lot of states now have a "somebody has to go to jail" law. If what happened is correctly presented here the wife was just a victim of the good old boys club and the cops covered for the husband.

The cops should not have gone to the husband first, he wasn't the one who called 911 as is evident on the 911 tape.

Are you from a small town where all the Bubbas are related to the other Bubbas? Or are they just inept?

I am sorry this happened to your neighbor but she has to take ownership of her life and move on. There are avenues she can take and since you already have experience perhaps you can give her a little guidance.

Answer 3

ok, ex cop here. Unfortunately whoever gets hit really does NEED to walk away no matter what. I think this is wrong but that's just the way it is.. She needs to get her and the kids out of there and do it now. She also needs to get a "permanent" Restraining order against him for physical abuse/assault and she too needs to abide by what the order says or if she ,say, would end up feeling sorry for him and takes him back and this nonsense continues--she calls the cops again-they most likely will NOT pay any attention to her. If you need to take her to get the restraining order then do so-dont wait until tomorrow, do it NOW. Domestics are the worst calls for any cop to take----it definitely helps change the "attitude" when we walk in the house of two immature adults. Usually, it is damn near a lost cause as the couple will be beating the living crap out of one another but the minute ya go to take one of them out to jail the other one jumps in and tries to stop the cops from seperating them . It is a "no win" situation. which is why some cops; although very uncalled for act and talk the way they do.

Answer 4

I would contact the seargeant from that district and after that you still don't feel comfortable contact the attorney general of your state.I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years and alot of cops do side with the man they have this caveman attitude like me man you dumb woman,however not all cops are like that but I would sure report this and go as high as you have to.Your lady friend/neighbor should got o like a womens resource center to help her with counseling and they can also teach her how to plan an escape tell her where to go like a safe place and so many times I was afraid he would find me but the very last time he hit me the doctors told me one more punch and I would ahve been in a coma or dead and I said to myself I have to be here for my 2 daughters and remember that SHE ahs to make the decision to leave and when she's had enough of the I'm sorrys and I love you and I won't ever do it agains she will go she needs a friend who does not judge her if she stays with this guy but someone to be there to talk to and dry the tears ,however I would be careful that the husband not think anything is going on between you two cause that will give him another reason to hit her or you.Tell your friend if she would like to talk e-mail me and I can help her,I don't know what state you are in but I hava alot of cop friends and all it takes is one phone call .My friends are very against a man hitting a woman regaurdless of anything.I wish her luck I've been there and am now married and my new husband loves my kids as much as he does his own.You keep safe and please try to get the kids out whaen the boat gets to rockin this will teach them it's ok to hit a woman and the cycle continues,Ive witnessed this I don;t know how many times.You be a good friend to her.

Answer 5

for batterers it isnt about hurting the other person, its about power and control. his is using the officers to gain more power and control over his victim. He is using the she hit me first so he can abuse her with nothing done by law enforcement. He does this so she thinks in the future, why call the cops, nothing will be done or i might get arrested. Law Enforcement has made great strides in the areas of Domestic Violance. There is room for improvement but like anything else there are victims that do not get help. The officer should be able to differinciate between self defence and assualt. there is a point where self defence stops and assault begins. But again officers are human being's and we make mistakes.

Answer 6

It's tough for Cops. One one hand, everything that happened was hearsay. Maybe she did start the situation by hitting him first. But, the cops can't tell that. All they can go by is what he said and she said. If they both said that she hit him first, they are going to blame her. It's not corruption. It would be tough to deal with this kind of thing. In truth, they are probably both partially to blame.

The best thing you can do is help your friend get out of this relationship and on with her life.

Answer 7

No one, not even a woman, has the right to lay hands on anyone else, for any reason. She hit first, thereby instigating the incident. If he is really an abusive spouse, she has two legs and can walk out of the house and leave him. There are so many organizations who will assist her if she needs it. There is no reason to live with a bully - male or female. I have no sympathy for women with children who choose to stay in an abusive relationship.

Answer 8

it does not matter who hit who first, its the dominant or primary aggressor when it comes to domestic violence.

this is a total he said/she said story. there is no physical evidence to support allegations made by either. they are married and neither party can be forced to testify against the other. they are both victims and both suspects. don't stress out and don't try to place blame.

tell her to get a divorce and leave it alone. if she chooses to go back, no sympathy and you should not care any further. you know the old saying: screw me once, shame on you; screw me twice shame on me. you've offered you help once, if she's back with him now then it's on her.

Answer 9

They were right they both could have been arrested for assault. Your best bet is to stay out of it, this is their problem and you will wind up in the middle of a s---storm. want to help? call the cops.

Answer 10

Let me guess they arrested her!! Yep the first one to hit someone is the one to go to jail!! No matter who's fault or what.Its assault and usually works in a womans favor but since she hit him first. No corruption its the way the law is worded and up to the prosecuting attorney whether to file charges.