My biological mother wants to get in touch after 41 years. What should I do?

Question

I have never met her, and she wants to see me now. I feel confused! If I do meet her, what do I say?

Answer 1

My husband is adopted and my mom gave my older brother up for adoption I have found my brother and we have a wonderful relationship. My mom gave my brother up because her parents forced her to because she was a 14 yr old single mother. It was against her will and has had so much guilt that it ate her up in side. Give your mom a chance to meet and know her daughter, and let her die with a rested soul, as I'm guessing she is older. It can only be beneficial for you both. Don't deny her this, she loved you enough to not have an abortion, there are many sad reasons that lead good people to make this decision. Just say Hi mom... It's been a long time since we last met. Everything else will take it from there.

Answer 2

There are lots of things to consider but the can of worms has been opened now so whether you meet her or not it won't just go away. The chances are that you will have wondered about her at some point in your life and you may regret missing this opportunity later on in life, seeing her face to face will be the only way to answer some questions and maybe get some closure. On the other hand reunions rarely go smoothly and can be an absolute emotional roller coaster which is a big undertaking. The thing to remember is that whatever you decide try and get as much support as you can because these days there is a lot available - counsellors, adoption organisations such as Norcap, books (search adoption on Amazon), forums etc - it helps to know that other people feel the same way as you or are going through similar experiences.

Make sure as well that you don't get pressured into anything, its a really emotional and volatile issue and all people involved (birth relatives, adoptive family, family & friends) can apply emotional pressure without even realising it and its easy to comply with things to give others peace and then end up in turmoil yourself. In this situation you have to put yourslf first and its Ok to be selfish - remember that everyone has an opinion on this subject, it seems to get people really stirred up but at the end of the day you have to live with the decisions you make.

Answer 3

hi there,

I'm a person that has a brother out there somewhere and would love to meet him someday.
My mother had a baby very young and had to give him up for adoption (not her choice but in the 60's thats the way it went) and everyday since that day she thinks of him....we all think of him...mum did try and find him 10 yrs ago but got the message back that he wasn't happy about meeting her so she had to leave it.
I am now going to try and see if I can find him...its like one last chance but I shall respect the decision he makes...I just want to see if he feels the same 10 yrs on....
For you the fact that ur mother has got in contact must be a great shock....what do you feel you want to do?....you don't have to meet her at all...you could get on with the rest of your life if thats what would make you happy....if u can deal with that then go for it...but if you have always wondered then there could be a way of taking things slowly.....like emails and letters and then maybe the phone.....I wish u all the best and good luck! x

Answer 4

I think it would be a good thing if you were to meet her. Because she made the first move, you know you won't be rejected. Plus, you probably want to know your family history, or see siblings you never knew you had! My brother was adopted as a young child, (forced adoption), and I would like to say if you are adopted, please don't believe everything social services have told you. My brother was taken from a loving family and put into the hands of abusive child molesters, just to keep up with their yearly quota. Now, I sit here every day, wondering if I will ever see my brother again.

As I said, even if nothing else comes of it, you can get some long awaited answers!!!

As for what to say, don't worry about that, it will probably come naturally. If not, tell her aboput yourself and ask her any questions that are on your mind. Just be as open and honest as you can!!!

Good luck!!!!

Answer 5

Have you been contacted via an official agency?

If you have you can arrange to meet their expert councellors.
They work in this area every day and meet with people in your situation.

You will find there are a number of alternatives available.
example.
You can use the agency to write to your biological mum without having your own address disclosed. It may be over the years that you have asked yourself certain questions many times.

Answer 6

Have you ever wanted to meet her? If you havn't,and you have been happy with your life without her, then don't bother.If on the other hand you have always wanted to know what she was like,and you feel that part of you is missing,then it might help to answer some of your questions.
Do not worry about what to say to her, that will come naturally when you see her.
Whatever happens,this will open up a lot of mixed emotions.If you have got your families backing, it will make it a lot easier.
The best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Answer 7

No-one can answer this for you.
If you do meet her then just play it by ear. Do not expect to fall into each others arms & for her to be all maternal after all this time. Think of it like meeting a new friend that might become important to you.
Try not to have any expecations. Just because you have a biological tie does not mean that you will neccessarily even like one another.
Good Luck.

Answer 8

You are meeting a stranger, she has absolutely no hold over you...so I would do it as a matter of curiosity, but I would not expect to have as much in common with her as you do a guy who lives 3 blocks over.

Realize that she is doing it to put aside her own guilt, or maybe she wants something from you. Leave your wallet at home, and meet her in a public place, after you run a background check on her.

Answer 9

there must have been a good reason why she hasn't contacted u , play it by ear, but do go get in touch, I am looking 4 a son I gave up 30 yrs ago because of circumstances I had no control over this could be the case in your situation.

Answer 10

Go ahead and meet her at a public place. Let her talk and you listen. Dont be mean, she probably gave you a better life by giving you to loving parents. Be nice, be friendly, but you dont have to start a relationship with her but it would be nice to see her and let her see you. You dont have to say anything, you can tell her about your children, about your husband, and tell her what a good job your parents did raising you. But dont be mean.