My live in girlfriend's daughter is a handful!?

Question

My girlfriend's 4 year old daughter is a handful to say the least! She doesn't listen to what she is told to do, regardless if myself or her mother tells her. We try sending her to the "corner" for a timeout, but it seems like she is used to it and will continue to be mischievious after her timeout. Mom doesn't believe in spanking the 4year old; I used to feel the same until now. I don't have any children, so I had a crash course on being a father figure in this little girls life. In my opinion, I feel she has been spoiled (she gets nearly anything she wants ex. candy, food, whenever and whatever she wants).
In addition, she does not like to sleep on her own; we put her to bed in a little chaise chair beside our bed, then in the middle of the night she wakes up crying and jumps into bed with us! the whole situation is very frustrating; especially when I can't get any "private" time with my girlfriend because her daughter is always in our room. HELP!!!

Thanks for all the responses! My GF's little girls has a BIG heart; she is caring and can be a "good girl" at times. We already had a talk about discplining her daughter; she has no problem with me sending her to the corner, etc. That isn't the problem. The problem is that the little one doesn't listen and does whatever she wants!She has gotten use to eating junk food on the regular, so taking it away all of a sudden is going to cause chaos. She doesn't like plying with toys much; she enjoys hanging out with us watching tv (usually it's cartoon because she cries about "watching her show"). So to take something away she enjoys would mean isolating her from us (sending her into another room). My GF often feels guilt and does give in to her daughter after hearing her cry and saying "mommy i want to be a good girl". it is very hard to hear that (I'd admit) and to continue to hear her cry. GF doesn't want her daughter to feel like nobody cares for her...

Answer 1

mom needs to stop feeling guilty about her child's father not being there. the 2 of you need to discuss the boundaries of how much you should be involved in the discipline. are you two planning on being together for a while(marriage) if so you have to become a team. if timeout is not working you HAVE to take away what she likes. try making a chart where if she sleeps in her room she gets a star, different chores get certain amounts of stars and once she gets a certain number she gets a treat of her choice.

5 stars-ice cream, extra t.v things like that
10 stars-movie,zoo something like that

also set the boudaries for reason why stars are taken away such as
talking back-2 stars
sleeping in your room-1 star(or at least work with her on staring the night in her room)
it works when they see an immediate outcome from the difference in her behavior.

she's 4 she knows what she is doing. the older she gets the harder it will be to discipline her.

good luck

Answer 2

First of all, please realize that at this age, the little girl is trying to find the new lines on her behavior and her control. She is a "big" girl now but what does that mean. She can use the potty and ride a trike and what else? What is she in charge of, what is she still too little for? Her behavior is completely normal for her age. It sounds like with it just being her and mom for so long they had a way of doing things and that is changing. Your role is very complicated. The most important thing you can do is to support her mother emotionally. If you and mom are going to make this a family, you are going to have to be partners. Pick something (I recommend the bedroom issue) and just work on it. Offer a reward for doing it your way, and make the reward good. Work as a team all three of you. For moms, especially single moms, there is always a lot of guilt. The guilt can show up as letting a child have what they ask for because they can't have mom's attention during the day. It is tough to be patient but the girl will outgrow some of this especially since she wants to be good and wants to see herself that way. Talk to mom and offer the girl a lot of opportunity to "show her good manners" and give lots of praise and maybe even a reward for it.
Time outs tend to lose their effectiveness with intelligent, opinionated little people (I have two and they only work to help get on the other side of anger or frustration). Natural Consequences are the best choice. If she makes a mess, she cleans it. If she hurts someones feelings, she has to apologize and do a little something special to make them feel better (an apology card that she makes works really well).

Answer 3

Wow. You need to talk with your girlfriend. First you need to be treated as an equal as far as parenting goes. Or you should not live together. Consistency is key. Never back down and follow through with your threats, i.e. taking away toys.
My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for 18 years but our daughter is not his biologically. We moved in together when she was 6. From the very beginning we made it clear that we were both the parents and we both had the same rights as far a disciplining went. We made the decisions together on how to raise her.
It will take time for the little girl to adjust, which it sounds like that is what she is trying to do.
Talk with your girlfriend about this. Make a parenting plan and stick with it. And try to give the little girl some time.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Tell your g/f that her lack of discipline is causing a rift in your relationship. Children that grow up with little or no discipline can end up in jail or having a hard time adjusting to the real world. When she is an adult she will most likely not be able to hold a job because she will think that she should be able to do as she pleases. I know too many people like this (My own 2 step-kids included). Impliment a bedtime rule. No kids in the bed or bedroom unless there is a storm or they have a bad dream. She needs to have consistant punishments for bad behavior.

Answer 5

Spare the rod.
I don't believe in spanking either (it doesn't work).
Your g/f needs to be more selective in giving her daugther everything she wants.

There;s a good chance that she is only competing for her mother's attention now that you entered the scene.

Cookies candy etc are given to good girls (not the way yours is acting out). Punishment should consist of removing something she likes (toy, bear, tv etc) she's too use to siiting in the corner and that only works when company is around and she can't participate in it.

As for bed try putting her in her room once she falls asleep or lying down with her in her own bed.

Answer 6

First off , I have been going through this myself for 6 years with my boyfriend and children. I have two from previous relationship and one with him. We are parting ways b/c he is the source of disruption in our home examples include not being a postive male role model, not reinforcing discipline, handing out harsh discipline, having high unappropiate expectations for young children, what I say goes attitude, do as I say not as I do attitude or outright ignoring their behavior and catering to only the mothers needs.You need to confront your girlfriend immediatly regarding her daughter!!!!!!

Next, check you self. Kudo to you for just being there! While it is hard raising someone elses child, it can be done effectively. I think you need to make some decisions as to the fact are you going to be in their lives for the long haul , if you are just passing through now is a perfect time to move out and date when the child is not involved. If you are here to stay you definatley need to be involved in the dicipline process and early before the child thinks otherwise.

Make sure that what you expect from this child is not so that you personally can satisfy your own personal needs. Is she getting enough attention from her mother, and you? It has been proven that single mothers unintenionally neglect their childs needs when in a new relationship than with the childs father. Is she being treated age appropiate and are expectations set to her level?

Hopefully your girlfriend won't get mad and take it personally what you say to her regarding her daughter or her mothering skills. The only thing I can suggest is speaking with the childs doc about some positve dicipline (sp) tactics, have patience, and lots of prayer. Perhaps finding a couple of parenting books that can be read together. Good luck!

Answer 7

You don't need to spank. You just need to start making rules and consequences. She needs to be taught that if she doesn't follow the rules then she will be in trouble. You also have to follow through with the punishment. Don't say you'll punish her and then not because that teached her your threats mean nothing. It will take a little while but she's still young so as long as you stick with it it will work.

Answer 8

You two need to set some ground rules that both of you can live with; and stick to them. If you have to, get some professional help. The mother might be hard to deal with too, since it's her child and not yours. Children learn how to get what they want. They know whose buttons to push. She has to know that her present behavior is not acceptable anymore. She has to know that big girls don't act like that. They usually like to be big girls. Usually. Sometimes they like to be a baby for a long time.

Answer 9

Of course she will rebel to new rules etc. but as the parent you make the decisions as to what she is going to do.

The first day will be really hard and she will throw a MAJOR fit. The second day will be hard too but there will be a marked improvement on the third day.

Answer 10

make rules, and become more strict on her. Dont give in to anything she wants. Also, remember shes only 4 and this is a stage, she will eventually grow out of it.