Should I confront my mother about failing to protect me as a child?

Question

I'm 18 and live 120 miles away from my mother and brothers. My mother got married when I was 8, to a man who physically, emotionally and sexually abused me. I tried to tell my mum but she just looked at my bruises and did nothing. It was happening every time she went out, but still she didnt stop going out or take me with her - just left me alone with him. 3 years later we left for a refuge, but as soon as we were rehoused she let him back and he dide exactly the same again.

Recently I have been thinking about this a lot, and am getting more and more angry. Other than this, our relationship is quite good and I don't know my dad.

Should i confront her, ask her why, get her to admit she's wrong and make myself freel better, or just leave it? Not sure abouyt risking the big confrontation and arguments..,. Please help!!

i accept t6hat she was afraid of him but she could have taken me with her, surely??!! She was only delivering Avon....

Answer 1

Yes you should talk to her... My mum was abused by her father. She is now 60yrs old. Her dad died from cancer when she was only 19.
The resentment has eaten away at my mum for years and my mum and nan have no relationship left. They had a huge argument about a year ago in which my mum for the first time openly told my nan what had happened to her as a child and asked why she wasn't protected. My nan then said she thought something was going on but turned a blind eye. In some respects things were different back then, a small christian village in the 1950's, but I still can't believe my nan let it happen, and I don't think my mum can accept that. It has destroyed their relationship beyond repair. If there is anything you can do to try and salvage your relationship with your mum give it a go... But if you're not happy with her response then you do need to walk away, otherwise your anger will only continue to grow xx

Answer 2

Wow that is a sick crime and I have seen it in the news. It's scary to think that a mother would consider that a punishment even. That is so insane. I really am not sure what kind of a person would do that. There are so many reasons a person would do that, but it's still not something that can be ok to do just because it can be halfway justified. Turning sex into a bad thing and something to fear is never a good punishment. The thought that a person could think up a punishment as "You didn't wash the dishes so now you take my place in bed with your father" is disgusting and messes up the way she percieves sex. Her future relationships could be screwed up because sex is "dirty" if it's a punishment, but it's also how you have a family of your own. What is she going to think when she grows up and has a baby? Everytime she sees it is she going to think it's a reminder of something she did wrong? The mother needs the same consequence as the father, but unfortunately those would be listed as different crimes. The mother would only be facilitating the abuse, while the father is committing the act. In some cases I would imagine the mother is only not doing "as much harm" because it's physically impossible for her to actually have sex with her daughter. I think she shares just as much of the blame because she knows what's going on, she (in some cases) chose the "punishment" and was neglectful since she knew the father would abuse the daughter if they were left alone together. I can't come up with a punishment for them, but she definately doesn't deserve a lighter sentence.

Answer 3

I think the main thing you said that struck me was

"the big confrontation and arguments"

I think sometimes we underestimate our parent's. The day I decided I needed to speak to my Father about childhood issues he told me he knew the day was going to come. He already knew it.

Your Mom may very well know it as well.

The thing is to go to her. Set up a mood. Pack a picnic and go to the park. Or get some stuff and make lunch. Make sure you are both emotionally o.k. Don't get her when she just had surgery or something. LOL!

Then sit with her and let her know you've had something on your mind. Start off by telling her you love her. Then ask her your questions. The most important thing is to remember that you may not hear things exactly the way you want to. She may apologize in her own way. So you need to be emotionally prepared to hear whatever is said. I think it will be an experience for you like no other. You always hear people say they wish they had spoken to a parent before they died and now it's too late.

Again just be careful not to back her into a corner. This was a while back and she may not recall things the way you do. So the most important thing is that you let her know how the situation made you feel. That's your reality.

GL!

'-)

Answer 4

you've got to address this issue...but don't be disappointed with her response. i suggest you seek some therapy or rather counseling before you do this...so that you have the support you need to move on with your life. whatever her answer is you probably won't be satisfied with it and it won't change the past. i assume your mom is no longer with this man...if she is then its not pointless to confront her, just not a clear resolution or closure to the past. her saying sorry alone won't heal the wounds and neither will her denying or refusing to aknowledge that bad, bad time in your life. but...if she can admit that it happened you can maybe, let the anger go and not let it dictate how you live your life, treat others and most importantly how others treat you. our childhood experiences shape a great deal of our adult lives. a lot of this can be negative and self destructive. the list is endless as you know...drugs, alcohol, physical, emotional and even sexual abuse by or upon you. its not easy being upright and confident when the past keeps getting in the way. you must nurture yourself...which it seems you are doing anyway. i can understand how you can have a relationship with your mom no matter what has happened...she's the only real parent you know. the truth hurts and she may want to let the past be just that. but your sanity is at stake here and if she can't help you or won't with the answers she does or does not give...then my advice is forgive if you can, forget nothing and use the bad memories to help you remember to create good safe ones from this day forward, having the support of a group is fine but one on one counseling is the best way to start i think. i don't know where you live but if the local hospital or your health care provider can't help you then contact the united way charities or your state department of human services office. be strong and live well. yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery and today is what it is. the great thing about each day that comes, is that you now have the power to have a say in your existence from now on...use it to live young lady, you've already shown you're a survivor.

Answer 5

Well if you confront you mom now am sure she will assure you that she didnt mean to hurt your feelings. But what she didnt realise like most mothers is the long lasting effect the abuse was going to cause you.
I dont know where you are!! But in most countries if you reported even today your step dad can be found guilty for causing harm on a vulnerable child.
Because your mom seems to love this man despite of all that he made you go through, she might tell you not to report him so she can protect him, when in actual sense she could have protected you as a vulnerable child.
Talk to your momther about it, let her admit that she didnt protect you and didnt offer you the support that you needed as a kid. Remember even when she admits it, it wont take away the pain that he abused you. The pain will only come to an end if that man is put to justice.

Answer 6

I am so sorry for what you went though and damm right you should confront her! she is your mother she should have been protecting you, you deserve the biggest apology and a damm good explanation of why she did not do anything about it.

Personally I would never forgive her, she may have been a weak women as far as this man was concerned, but a mothers love is not week, and the strength a women gets from seeing her children hurt is stronger than any abusing man.
she should have had that strength in her and she should have left him the minute she found out..

I hope you have some peace and have moved on, I hope you have reported this man to stop him doing this to any other children.
I wish you all the happiness in the world xx

Answer 7

this is a big step, i had a very similar situation to yours... eventually and i was 33 before i did it i confronted both my mum and my dad... my dad denied everything and i no longer speak to him, my mum was ok but i didnt really get what i needed from her... she turned it into a big crisis, cried about how awful it had been for her etc and didnt much aknowledge her role as the adult and what she should have done... she did however apologise. was it worth it? im not sure, in a way i got a needed apology but my anger at her not protecting me then became anger that she could still turn it round after all those years and feel she was the victim. I must say though that i feel a bit better about the whole thing since revealing and therefore not being burdoned by THEIR dirty secret. good luck, dont expect it to fix it allthough, whatever she says and however good your relationship is now with her, there will always be a bit of permanant damage to the mum/daughter relationship, but it can be put into perspective. your question will it make you feel better, is not always and not straight away, it opens a can of worms and takes awhile to settle down again. It felt much worse for a few months but now almost a year after confronting her im feel more settled and ok with everything thats happened.

Answer 8

I feel for you and understand what your feeling, I had similar experiences as a child and they left me very angry and confused,it is a very thin line and if I am honest the reaction you get from your mum no one can tell you I feel you need to do something to make this right for you what you need to do is look at what is going to make you feel better about the situation if anything I know for me what I did was at first when I was younger I locked it all away, this just made me an angry person and quite negative i through fate started a counselling course at college just to fill time as I was bringing up my at the time young children, it worked out to be the best thing I had ever done, In the long run I never had to ask my parent anything because I dealt with my abuser direct which made me feel allot in fact a million times better so I think for you try and work out what will be the best action for you to take good luck I hope it all works out right for you

Answer 9

Hi its all down to you if it getting on top of you then yes i think you should confront her even thought it wont change the past, it will make you feel better. But if that was my mum and she didnt believe me i would be very angry and would of had it out with her along time ago. I dont think there should be need to argue and if she doesnt asmit what happend was wrong and that she was right to let this man back into your life then i would never speak to her again. How can your relationship be good with this dark secret lingering about. All i say is do what you have to do.
If its effecting you in other ways then there are always counsellors.

Answer 10

Your mother was probably scared and yes I know that is no reason for her leaving you there but you have no idea what a man can do to a woman or what he was threatening her with!!
If you think it will make you feel better go and talk to your mother but DONT be angry with her and blame her, she is probably feeling very guilty over the whole situation!
You are an adult now and you are capable of talking without being hurtful and you do need to sort it because it will just eat away at you until you go mad. You could even try going and seeking help from Dr's etc if you think it might be best to work things through with a person not connected to the whole situation in anyway!
I wish you well.....