how did you deal with your abusive parents after you become an adult?

Answer 1

I got on with my own life as best as I could.

I had a lot of broken pieces to try & put back together again.
I didn't have any therapy (that was a mistake).
There was no-one I could to talk to about it.
(I should found someone).
I felt unable to talk about it - too ashamed & embarrassed.
(That was a mistake).
But in those days, I had never heard the phrase: Child Abuse.

I tried to pretend it hadn't happened.
I tried to blot it out.
(A mistake).
I believed I was in the wrong!
(Ditto).

Gradually, the churning, fear & misery subsided, & went away.
But it came back every time I had contact with either of my parents.
I kept trying to break contact only to be forced back into contact.
I should have been stronger in my resolve
& I would have been had I not been so confused.

I should have made my feelings clear to them but I didn't.
(So I ended up having nightmares about tying them to a chair & gagging them so I could scream & yell at them about what I thought about them, & get it all out of me..)

I fought very hard to break the destructive cycle
so my kids were not victims
I didn't realise the genes can skip a generation...
(there's a warning there!)

Now, with age, mellowing- you want to feel sorry for them, like them, repair your relationship, they're old, right?
But their personality remains the same - I still get bitten if I go near.

I have tried to communicate my feelings to them
(hasn't worked, sadly).

Now, if I have to have contact, I remind myself beforehand what the likely outcome is going to be
i.e. I am going to feel hurt & rejected all over again, the fear is going to flood back etc., etc.,
in the hope the pain will be lessened
(that only helps a bit)
(I still cry at night. Tears still fill my eyes when I remember...)

I guess I'm trying to say, it's hard but you WILL cope so much better if you get help via your doctor, or an alternative practioner EG. find someone who specialises in helping you to overcome your blockages, so you can find your true destiny. That costs, I aint got the money for that but if you can afford that, that is what I would recommend you do, so you don't end up a sad loser like me.

Being abused can affect your whole life, so if you want to get over it, TALK about it, confront it, grieve because of it,
& I believe YOU WILL get over what has unfortunately happened to you.

Answer 2

I had a problem in that my father was abusive toward my mom and us kids from when I can remember. When I became an adult I moved as far away from them as possible. My mom was stuck in the situation and refused for many years to take action. She has now, after 38 years of marriage filed for a divorce and gotten a restraining order against him.

I do not have any contact with him at all and he doesn't see my kids. I used to have pangs of guilt when my heart told me that he's my dad and I should remain in contact with him. As soon as I did that the situation spiralled from bad to worse and I ended up fearing for my life and my families lives. I went to my Priest for counselling and he told me that constantly putting my life and my families lives in danger is reckless and that I need not feel guilty for not seeing him. He did suggest I keep the communication lines open via email but I have not done this and doubt that I will. I find my life without him has much less stress and I have been able to start the healing process which would probably take me my whole life.

Answer 3

I'm not familiar with Ethan Fromme but I am familiar with the type like Tony's mom on the Sopranos. Once you realize and recognize the manipulation and emotional abuse going on, you are better off. The first thing I try to do is not let things get to me too much (sometimes harder said than done). If there are many others who see this behavior too, it's really good. I have started making a conscious effort to respond to things in a way that makes me not comply with what she wants unless it's something I want to do. I repeatedly ask her to not make plans for ME to do things with my kids without consulting me first. When I have other plans, it's played that I never do anything with my kids (which is far from the truth). I did confront her the last time to explain that I couldn't take a week off work (during the busy season) to take the kids to her church camp because I had just taken a week off work to take them to Disneyland. I asked her not to make plans for me and especially not to tell me her plans for me in front of the kids, in case we don't do them. Then I am guilted into doing whatever because she has the kids excited about her idea (which she doesn't have the time or desire to do with them herself). Some people are so clueless of the way they are acting that even if you sat down with them and explained what they are doing and how it is hurting you and others, it wouldn't make much of a permanent difference. Some sense of martyrdom would come over them and they will try and guilt you into doing whatever. I guess this got a little off track, but please know you aren't alone. Not exactly the same circumstances, but the basic idea is there. Since you know what the person is doing, react in a way thay they won't expect you to. Put your foot down and tell them you won't do this or that. If you need to, try to even sit down and discuss with them how their behavior is affecting you, (your perception of things) and see if that is what they are trying to do. If there are children being affected by the behavior, explain that you don't think the things the kids are learing from them are good... give examples. Certain attitudes, comments and such can hurt (kids especially) emotionally and the abuser really needs to know that it is unacceptable to say certain things or to have a certain attitude. As an adult, you can stand up for yourself to your parents or anyone else, if they are manipulative or abusive. If you have children, you must stand up for them. I am baby-stepping my way through my situation, and things seem very slightly better... or at least, I'm not afraid to say how I feel anymore. If you pull back from them and they engage in character assasination, the other people who know you will see even more how this person is. And if you have others that already see, then you should have some good support. Good luck! G

Answer 4

I spent time away (2years) then came back and started a new relationship with them and tho things arent perfect they are as good as things can be, being a mom myself i know first hand parents arent the perfect people we as children expect them to be, whilst i dont condone abusive behaviour i have grown up enough to know some people have shorter tempers than others and if anything your parents needed help not to be resented forever. I know that if my guardian could have taken it all back they would do in an instant, and i remember the happy times and then think on to the children who are abused on a daily basis and are so cruelly and then i realise my guardian did the very best they could with the situation they had.

Answer 5

I forgive them. Reminding my self that they are human beings," to eer is human"". I got a lot of physical and mental abuse when I was a kid, I guess that is the way some parents does to decipline a child before .and they have some issues that they take it on a child. Now as an adult I have a tough soul and very loving to children. I don't believe on spanking a child,or saying that he is a bad boy..

Answer 6

Recognizing that they were human, and made mistakes, but were still my parents, and the only ones I would ever have. As an adult, I talked, at length, with them, about what happened, and we were able to form a new relationship. It does no good to hold on to old hurts, you must let them go.

Answer 7

Be in situations YOU can control.Like E-mail them,or write,or talk to them on the phone.That way when things get out of hand-YOU can end it! Maybe you can tell them that you forgive them for what they put you through(if you can forgive them).BUT let them know what they did to you WILL NOT happen to the grandchildren,not even once!!!! I'm 50,was an only child,had five of my own.My children are NEVER alone with my mom,and the visits are not often,or for very long.We mostly just talk to her on the phone,or send her a letter in the mail.

Answer 8

Therapy

Answer 9

When you are an adult you can make the choice whether you want them in your life or not.

Answer 10

i left home when i was 15 and 6 months later when i'd settled into my own place i confronted them about everything things where abit shakey for a couple of years but now things are great between us

don't get me wrong we still have our bad times but thats normal but they know they can't push me around anymore