what should i do when i am NOT the 'golden child'?

Question

i have a younger sister who is clearly favoured by my mum, my mum shows more affection and love towards her all my life, all i got was physically and emotional abuse, my mum beat me so bad i had to go to the hopsital, whereis my sister was never touched. also my mum publicly compare me to my sister 'only if you like you sister', or 'i'd rather have your sistre any time'. I've moved out of home long ago ,but it still hurts sometime, my sister knows she is favoured, my mum has also given her a house, but she said i have to 'earn' the house by being a good daughter.

i think she doens't favour me is because i am similar to her, i am like her, and she was not favoured by her own mother (my grandma), i remind her about herself?

Answer 1

It really doesnt sound like your mother is in the right frame of mind. mabey depression. i dont know. anyway you look at it Child abuse is damaging very damaging and the effects dont go away.
I had some verbal abuse growing up. I cant remember how many time i was told that I was Worthless and was the biggest disapointment ofmy mothers life. It still haunts me, when my feelings get hurt i beat myself up by telling myself im worthless.
I guess we both just need to come to terms that we love ourselves and try our best to keep good self esteam. Im a mother now and I very carfully choose what I say to my 4 children. I tell them like 100 times a day that I love them. (im sure they get sick of hearing it too lol) mabey you want to talk to a therapist. Ive chosen not to because of money issues. But I really do feel sometimes that the abuse i took as a child has really effected my adult life. I think under different cercomstances ild be doing so much better and wouldnt settle for less.
find positive people to suround yourself with, you really need that right now and needless to say, STAY AWAY FROM MOM. (at least untill she gets her head right)

Answer 2

I am not sure whether any of this is helping u.
only time can heal the wounds that u have
and the intervention of a loving father
who will tell u that He loves u both as much as the other.
the fact that ur mom wasn't mature enough to love u as equals is a great shame. my kids have occasionally said similar.
But I have loved them with a whole heart, just in
different ways bcos of the age gap.
the difficulty arises when u have a younger child and they take more time. it is only natural. as a child gets older they need less attention. this apparent imbalance can cause jealousy and insecurity.
it is possible that ur sis was easier to look after as a baby.
out of my three, my daughter was almost a perfect baby. my first was a real terror for waking thru the night and i spent literally hours and hours on him.
maybe u should see a solicitor/lawyer about the abuse u suffered. one of the greatest crimes as an individual is to suffer in silence and i think u need at least to discuss this with a counsellor. the fact is that u haven't moved on emotionally and i don't believe u will until u have this chasmic wound dealt with. It must leave u with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.

Believe me, it was not ur fault if ur mom was like this towards u. At the same time, I believe that all things happen for a reason. It may be that in life u were destined to suffer in this way to strengthen u for some higher purpose, i.e. maybe helping others.

u could tell her to shove her house and go and make a real good life for urself by hard work, imagination and a little bit of flair. If she sees that u have this spirit of determination in u it might just put her to shame! I think I would avoid tellin her where to stick it but doesn't help to think it a little!LOL!

Answer 3

Hi, i really feel for you, my sister was and still is my mothers favorite, but i was not physically abused, but when i think back to when we were young she was always the golden child, i have a middle sister too I'm the youngest, she was always the bad one, so i was the one in the middle sort of if you get my drift, my middle sister is now an alcoholic and her kids have a terrible live with her, she says they get everything but the get nothing and they are for ever running away from home telling her they hate hate her, my mother is still all for my older sister, but it is me who listerns to her moaning and my sister gets the good bits, it really used to cut me up, but now i think wot the heck, i have a great husband and two brilliant kids and they all know i love them, don't get me wrong i love my mother very much but i know im not the favorite. My advice to you is stop worrying so much about it, so what your sister was given the house, the things you get you get because you worked for them, you wernt handed them on a plate, i bet you feel better for it, let her have your sister, when she rings you for anything say your too busy, treat her as she treats you and when she says something tell her the reason why, lead your life for yourself and not for your mother and don't let your past control your future or she has won, if need be go to see a counciler, get it all off your chest and start a fresh, and if you have kids make sure you don't do the same to them what she did to you, make sure they know how much you love them, i wish you luck and happiness for the future and i hope i've been of some help to you, good luck.

Answer 4

Your mother totally has a problem not you. Learn to live with it and know that it will never change. I don't know how old you are but if you are an adult it is better to break away from her and go your own way, she'll have no one to pick on then and that will annoy her terribly. I had the same treatment but only gave up on my mother when I was 40. She tried desparately after that to get 'in' with me but I ignored her and have had a happy family of my own to care for and love. It's not worth striving to get her to love you as she should.....she never will. There's no accounting for it accept she maybe had you at a bad time in her life, maybe she didn't want any more kids, maybe you remind her of your father's side. It can be as simple as your hair colouring putting her off. Whatever it is, it is cruel, so don't be around cruel people.

Answer 5

Firstly I want to say that I'm sorry that you have had such an awful upbringing.

I have had a similar upbringing. I have two brothers whom my mother has always favoured over me. She used to beat me for no reason whatsoever, just for the hell of it. For many years I have wondered why she would do this to me, until one day I asked her straight out, Why, WHY mum? Why is did you treat me so badly? After some thought she stated that she believes that she was suffering from post natal depression, she stated that she never got any help for it and just continued as normal.

It seemed to make sense to me. A woman whose husband used to beat her, takes it out on her children, mainly me. With post natal thrown in, it must have been difficult.

I'm not sure if your mum and dad ever split up, or whether your mother suffered from post natal depression, but it's worth asking. You no longer at home, you are your own person now, it will be easier to ask her these questions. Just ask her straight out, if she doesn't answer you and totally disregards your questions, then personally I would ask her in a crowd of family and friends. Ask her why did you beat me so bad that I had to go to hospital?

I know that this is a very difficult thing to work out, but everything has a reason. I would make it your quest to find out.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

V.

Answer 6

I read an article in Life Magazine once. It was talking about how our siblings define who we are. It also mentioned that parents whether or not very realize it always have a favorite child. I of course scoffed at this, yet as I analyzed the way my parents treat us I realized that my parents have slightly favored me. The article was saying that it isn't a bad thing, it serves a purpose. It teaches the non favored children how to be resourceful, and the favored how to be good leaders. Though in your case your mother didn't only favor your sister, your mother abused you. This article was only talking about families where the parents treat both children well, but favor one over the other. Your mother abused you. Which was wrong of her to do. You should ask your mother to go to counselling with you. If I were you I would tell her that you won't talk to to her unless she is willing to heal with you. She obviously needs help, as probably did her mother for abusing her. You should go to a therapist or a psychologist once a week, whether or not she agrees to go with you. If I were you I would say this " Mother I know you were abused when you were a child, and that is why you abused me. I'm going to be getting help because what you said and did to me still hurts. And it is time to heal. I would love it if you came with me because I feel that you have never healed from your painful childhood, and I feel you need to. We could help support eachother if you came. I'm not going to force you to come because I know people can't heal, and learn form the past unless they want to on their own." If she says no then I would conclude with " I know this might be hard to hear, but since you are still very negative to me, I don't think it's healthy for me to be in contact with you until you are ready to heal and learn from the past. But if you ever change your mind, I'm there for you. Until then, I love you and goodbye."

I wish you luck on your healing journey. I hope your mother chooses to begin healing; it's the best for you and her.

Answer 7

Hi,I know the feeling.I was in similar sitution its ironic has I got older my mam turned more & more to me.We did nothing but argue It took my mam to die before I realised how much alike we
were.My mam played mind games with all of us theres 5 of us.I left home at 15.I would get on with building your own life yes you feel hurt however you will become a stronger person.Do not let the hurt & anger ruin your life.I hope you can move forward & Good Luck to the future.

Answer 8

DONT take it personal. My mother treats me the same.ITS sick but the abuse continues to day EVEN. GO on get out side support. YOU may find help in a church. Do get a way from that mother tho she will distroy u.

Answer 9

do your own thing. i know it sucks. my brother is the favorite. i always tried to compete with him and it made me more miserable. i stopped and did my own thing. i found "my element" so to speak and i worked on attaining goals i set for myself. i may never have the same approval my brother gets, but at least now i'm happy and feel good that i know i'm damned good at what i do. i'm happy with the person i am and now that i'm a mom, i make sure that i don't favor one over the other.

Answer 10

if i love someone, i don't expect someone to love me equally or even like me at all.
but if anything comes? those things are call bonuses.
perhaps u shd try to talk to them?
ask them whats their problem?
perhaps knowing the problem with help u solve the problem.