should i send my abusive elderly parent to nursing home?

Question

my mum is a manipulator, emotional vampire, she ruined my childhood with constant belittling, i am now 27 and moved out. I feel she is still trying to put me down from any chance she can get, last time she told me that i am too ugly for my boyfriend. she is getting old and expect me to look after her, should i just send her to nursing home?

Answer 1

ABsoLUTELY.

Answer 2

I do understand the reason you have asked this question, as i have often found myself wondering exactly the same thing. The truth of the matter is, most elderly people need proper care. In extreme cases, some elderly people require care that involves the use of lifting equipment, which may mean that children wishing to take on this obligation would need to have modifications done to their homes. There are also other aspects to consider such as medical requirements, hygiene, therapy etc that the children may not be able to provide to their elderly parents. It has also been heard that many elderly people would prefer to go to a nursing home, as they do not wish to be a burden on their children's lives. Nursing homes, the good ones - there are some awful ones out there - provide quality care, and also provide an environment where social interaction with other residents is available. An elderly person being cared for by children may not have this interaction as these days, almost every adult works to sustain a near normal lifestyle. My mother-in-law is in a nursing home, as she requires full time care due to the effects of a near fatal stroke. It would be impossible for any of her children, or her husband to provide the level of care that she requires. I understand why you ask this question, but in many cases, it is not feasible for children to be caring for elderly parents.

Answer 3

What an unhappy childhood you must have had. There is no excuse for treating anyone like this let alone your child. I'm afraid your Mother gave up her rights to your compassion when she started treating you this way. If you can, get her into a good nursing home making sure she has all the things she needs to live a fairly comfortable life (if you can) then do your own thing. Just don't start feeling guilty when she does leave this mortal coil.

Answer 4

If she has been emotionally abusive, and you really don't want anything to do with her, then let her take care of herself. She should have already put together plans and saved money for care in her old age. If she was too irresponsible to do that, then she should've spent less time insulting you and more time working when she was healthy enough to work.
Overall, it is up to you. If it was me, I would let her be on her own. I would still visit, send cards, etc, but arrange for someone else to care for her. You are only 27....you're still young, and you need to move past the abuse and on with your life

Answer 5

Yes. I know a lot of people (even yourself maybe) think that no matter what happens, our parents are after all our parents, meaning we have to forgive whatever mistake they make no matter what simply because they give birth to us. No, we don't have to, when we choose to have children, we have the responsibility to love them and teach them to love themselves. Your mother actually taught you how to hate yourself. It would be wonderful if you can bring yourself to forgive her and accept her fully in your life, but it would also be very human if you can't. You're still thoughtful enough to think wether you should send her to nursing home instead of leaving her alone in the lurch. So do what makes you happy with your life, and don't feel guilty if she or anybody else judges you for it.

Answer 6

Yes.

My mother sounds similar to yours and that's precisely what I WILL do, as I would NEVER be able to look after her.

On the other hand I work in a nursing home and I adore my job and one of the main reasons for that is - in my experience, most elderly people are loving, life enriching people, who have a lot to give. I believe that the elderly, whatever their personality, deserve to be given tender loving care in their final years.

Your mother, may (very sadly) not have brought much or any joy to your life, but she might have the potential to bring joy to others.

Good luck.

Answer 7

You have a responsibility TO YOURSELF.
You have a duty to yourself and your boyfriend.
Your Mother is reaping what she sowed. That is HER problem, not yours.
Somebody else has posted that it's like Karma. I disagree with the word 'like'. It IS karma.

Send her to a nursing home.
Protect yourself from this woman.

It might help to see a counsellor or a psychotherapist to help you let go of the horrors you have suffered at her hands. - None of which were your fault!

Good luck for a happy future,
XX
Jon C

Answer 8

Sorry that you have had such a time with your mother. Putting her in a home sounds ok but how will you feel. Sounds like you have drawn the short staw all round as she still has you one way or another. I know Its hard being open with your parents but how about sitting her down and telling her how you have been made to feel over the years and asking if she would feel duty bound to stick around someone like her.

Answer 9

Yes. Don't get burdened with her. I have done this for 17 years, nursed my mum until her death and now my father is leaving home at 92 to get a life. I am heart broken.

Answer 10

Why are you even in her life? I have a parent like that.I don't speak to them.Leave and wash your hands of her.If she is sick and old then perhaps yes, research a nursing home.If she still has her health-just walk away and don't ever expect her to be any different..
I feel for you , really. Good luck to you! And remember just because she gave birth doesn't make her a mother.

Answer 11

Sounds like she needs a load of psychiatric help. It won't be very nice for her if she tries to belittle the nursing home staff.