Should I talk to the teacher or the parent?

Question

Apparently there is a girl in my daughter's class (4,5&6) who tells the other children not to play with my daughter and the other kids listen to the little girl. Once the girls leaves for the day, they play with my daughter.

My daughter never really complained, but it was another parent who brought it to our attention. I really don't care if the little girl doesn't want to play with my daughter, but I am concerned about the other kids isolating my daughter b/c someone else tells them to.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I do want to talk to her teacher or the parent about it. Should I just leave it alone? This is a montessori school, so these kids are together until they turn 6 unless they leave the school.

BTW - My daughter is not shy and does not trouble making friends otherwise. In fact, I think this situation bothers me more than it does her.

Answer 1

Talk to the teacher first...it is their classroom and it is untimely up to them what goes on there.....they will then decide what is best for that situation.....good luck

Answer 2

Talk to the teacher first, although I'd be a bit concerned if she hasn't noticed it herself. Some parents can be inappropriately defensive and aggressive if you suggest their kid is acting unkindly, so it's best if the teacher approaches them. But before you do talk to the teacher, perhaps you should talk to your daughter too see how she feels about it, and if possible, observe the class yourself. Another parent may not be totally objective, particularly if they have had problems with the child they are talking about.

One of the boys in my 4 year old's class was being nasty to another child, and her mother basically warned all the other parents that this child was a monster, and we should ask for him to be removed. It turned out that my daughter was playing with him without any problems, and her daughter (to be honest) needed to learn how to stand up for herself. Now, I'm not suggesting that this is the case for your daughter (in fact it doesn't sound like she has a problem there), but even at 4-6, it's not too early to use this sort of situation to teach your kid how to be appropriately assertive.

I totally understand how you feel, I hate it when kids are mean to my daughter, but this is actually a group problem, as the other kids are going along with it, so it sounds like something that should be addressed in class by the teacher, rather than approaching only the ring-leader.

Answer 3

I had a similar situation when my daughter was in 2nd grade. She attended a different school for K and 1st grades, so when she started 2nd, she was the new kid. There was another girl that must have been afraid she'd steal her friends, so she "forbid" them from talking or playing with Chelsi-Anna, my daughter. I mentioned this to their teacher who laughed it off, and said she'd speak to the girls. If she did, it didn't help, perhaps made it worse. I myself am on the shy side, so didn't say anything again for quite a while. Then the teacher acted like I had never mentioned it before and said she hadn't noticed any problems. I'll tell you, Hind site is 20/20. I am so mad at myself for not taking it further. I should have went to the principle. Speaking with her parents, I think is inappropriate, as her mother is not there to know if it is true or not. But I would certainly speak with the teacher. If things are not better in 2-3 days, go above her head. Don't let this continue. It is up to you to protect your child, and if you don't, no one else will. As I said, I have strong regrets for not dealing with this at a higher level. But it won't be in vain if you correct your daughter's situation, before it gets worse, and she takes it personally--if she hasn't already. I hope this helps, Lisa

Answer 4

I wouls talk to the teacher cause she may not be aware of the situation at all. Have her keep an eye out and maybe select different girls to play with each other on different days to change play groups up a lil bit.
when it comes to parents.... some can get really defensive when u talk about THEIR kids. I would hold off from doing that for now. let the teacher do all that if she feels it needs to be done. If this continues, of course defend ur child but make sure what u say and do is polite and mature. If the other parent\parents get upset let them feel dumb for acting out like a looney toon. good luck and God Bless

Answer 5

I would start by talking with the teacher. I was a teacher and regularly dealt with these issues in my classroom. It is a "sharing" and "kindness" issue, which should both be addressed at school, since it occuring at school. If the teacher is a good one, they will address it both at school and with the other parent. If it isn't cleared up, then I would expect the teacher to call BOTH parents (you and other mom) in to discuss it. Sometimes when parents approach other parents directly, they come across as either harsh or busibody and the other parent might feel attacked. It sounds like you are a calm and concerned parent. I would talk with the teacher. Perhaps you could open the conversation like this, "Mrs. Teacher, I was hoping to get your input on something that came up at dinner this week". Then tell her how one of the parents commented on the situation to you and when you brought it up with your child, she confirmed it. Ask for the teacher's input/advice on how to proceed. That will tell you where to go next. If the teacher blows you off, you don't have any option but to go to the other parent (I'd recommend the same opening to the other parent). Hopefully it won't have to go that far. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

It is normal for this to bother you more than her. I would not speak to the parents directly unless you are very close to them. This is something you need to speak to her teacher about. The teacher needs to address this issue because if it is happening to your daughter than chances are it has happened or will happen to someone else's child. You are paying a lot of money for this school and this school is supposed to have a higher standard than others. This type of behavior is unacceptable per their beliefs. If this little girl isn't addressed now she is going to turn into a bully. You may not think so but you will be doing her and her parents a favor by having it nipped in the bud.
My kids are 12, 9, and 8...it doesn't get any easier so brace yourself. Children...especially the girls can be heartless and cruel.

Answer 7

I am a teacher and it is not uncommon. Tell the teacher. I am sorry if anyone complains about my next statement, but it's true. If you tell the parents, it may cause trouble. Many parents say, "My child is PERFECT. She would never do anything wrong. Your daughter must be the one who is bad!" If you tell the teacher, he/she will watch and intervene when he/she sees what is happening. This way, the teacher is now on your side. Most schools will deal severely with trouble makers. It is batter to stop this girl before it gets out of hand. This girl is probably learning this attitude from older siblings, or maybe even her parents.

Answer 8

I would suggest discussing this with your daughters teacher, and maybe having a meeting with both yourself, teacher and the other child's parent to find a solution to the problem. It may not be effecting your daughter at this stage but if it continues it may. Or on the other hand you may let it slide and it will pass and your daughter will be fine, but this other little girl may then go on to do this to a child who doesn't have the coping skill's your daughter has and cause issues for other children, best to nip it in the bud now.

Answer 9

Children can be so mean and when it comes to yours getting hurt, you feel helpless.

I would certainly begin with the teacher due to all of the children being under her supervision. Perhaps if she is made more aware of the behavior that is going on, she can divert the attentions elsewhere.

If you gain nothing with her, I would then go above her, to her supervisor if one is available. If that doesn't work, I would then ask to have a meeting with the teacher and the mother of the other child. I feel that if all are involved, less conflict would be apt to occur between the parents.

Good luck to you and your little girl. I feel for you as I have been in the same situation.

Answer 10

If it bothers you so much, talk to your daughter about it.
Then I'd talk to the teacher and have the teacher talk to the mean little girl. If that doesn't work, and it still doesn't seem to bother your daughter, just let it be. You did your job as a concerned loving parent. Hope all goes well.

Answer 11

Talk to the teacher and perhaps have a meeting with the girl and her mother with your daughter and the teacher too. Don't be agressive towards the other mother and question her parenting skills, if she isn't aware of the problem I'm sure she would feel bad as it is, just talk through things and try to get to the root of it. It equates to bullying so I think it is best to nip it in the bud now.