Should I Stay or Leave?

Question

This guy and I have been bestfriends for quit a while. The past year we crossed that "friendship line" and it is hard to go back to just being friends. He tells me he loves me and vice versa. The biggest problem is I think he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend. We constantly argue about the craziest things. I do mean HEATED arguments about dumb things. This has been going on for the last year, Im TIRED of constantly arguing. He and his ex broke up in July, she cheated on him, he and I crossed that line in October. I dont think he was completly over her. He and I do everything together we go everywhere together. He gets upset when I talk to other males. We buy each other things. I mean its EVERYTHING you do in a relationship just without the title, I want the title. Yes, I do love him very much. I feel as though Im waisting my time by waiting for him to decide what he wants. I dont what to lose him, but Im not happy with this situation anymore. HELP PLEASE!!

Answer 1

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. Instead of fighting each other, fight for the relationship(if you really want it) At the moment you have the choices of hide, diguise, divide, or compromise. He is leery when you speak with other guys because he don't know what you are talking about. So he has with you trust issues. You believe he still has a thing for his ex and you have abandonment issues. You both think the other will be gone in the future. Instead of talking about on a fair and rational mannor, you fight over stupid stuff to vent the frustration. Yu both need to openly get to the collective bargaining table. If you have to have 2 or 3 people you both can trust to act as referee then do that. You need to write down the top 5 things about the relationship that bugs you and he need do the same. Then you both address ALL 10 issues without pointing blame to come to a middle. If he thinks you dress too sexy when he is not around, find out what he is comfortable with and you are and settle on that. You will not wear that micro mini and leather bustier when not with him. If you think he has too much interest in his ex. He does not go over there to help her "fix a book shelf" unless you can be there two. He can keep all his memorbilia from his past life and relationship with her but all but one non-romantic pic etc gets but in a lock box that takes 2 keys to open. You have one key, and he as the other. Middle ground can be made in lots of areas if people are willing to get there with out having so much pride that they feel that by moving to the middle they are declareing defeat, or that they are getting rooked by the other. Try that. I bet it works. After you tackle the top 10 issues, you can get the next 10.

Answer 2

It sounds like you want someone to tell you what you already know. When you have to wonder if it will work out, chances are it won't. Sorry if that hurts.
Sometimes people get into to fights over the stupid stuff and actually it is over stuff that has been building up over time. If you fight over someone leaving something out of place and it gets crazy it probably has to do with someone feeling like they are being taken advantage of and always gets stuck with the bills or the housework. If he gets jealous of you looking the other way, it's because you bring back the hurt he felt over his old girlfriend cheating. That is a hard pain to get over. People want to trust the partner they are with but when you have been lied and cheated on, you become more suspicious and cautious or jealous with the next mate.
If you guys can't tone down the fighting and be real now, do you really wnat to keep doing this for another 50 years. Once you have crossed that line, there is no going back. If it's not something you both want to work at, then be glad you had the time you had as friends, but you have to start to move on. the relationship isn't about the old girlfriend, the relationship as about what you two bring to it.
Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

It sounds like you need a little distance to get a clear head about this. Before you have a big discussion and potentially say something you regret later, how about you just give yourself distance for a week or so. It sounds like you probably talk every day and see each other more than once a week, so how about for the next week you've got "so much to do today, I just don't have time to talk. How about we make a plan to get together next week. Shall we get dinner next Thursday?". (or Tuesday since you may want to clear the air before Valentine's Day). Then during this week, sit down and take a long hard look at this relationship. What part of it is friends? What part of it is romance? What is causing the bickering (personally I think it's that you see the relationship differently. He thinks you're friends who make out, and you feel like you're dating without the title)? You need to look at what you like (love) about this person and whether you think it is viable for the long term future, or if you are also just biding time. It also sounds like there is an issue with boundaries (this is common when the "line" is crossed and no name is put to it).

I can empathize. I was in a relationship like this for almost two years. He never got over his ex-wife and I kept thinking if I stuck it out, eventually he'd realize he loves me. It just never materialized. Every time I'd pull back, you know what happened, he was BEGGING me to be his girlfriend. It would go back and forth over and over. I finally realized that I was more valuable than that. When I finally took a break for two weeks for him, I came to the conclusion, that while it was hard to give up the friendship part, the romance part was so full of hurt and confusion that I didn't want that anymore. Now I am happily married to someone who is not only my best friend, he's also very openly loving. You're worth someone who thinks you are the best thing ever. I wish you the best and think you deserve someone who loves you and only you.

Answer 4

Just tell him how you feel. Maybe the idea that you are questioning the relationship will wake him up. You are a winner either way: because if if he decides he loves you and only you then you can go on and probably have a better relationship then before or if he still is unsure then you know its okay to go and you will be better off anyway. This is a hard time but you can get through if you communicate. There are three important things in a lasting relationship: Trust, communication and commitment. Ask yourself: Honestly, does my relationship have these qualities?? If not then it is time to go. And if yes, then it is time to start working on this relationship.

Good Luck... email me and tell me how it went!

Answer 5

He has issues with self-confidence and self-esteem. His jealousy, and him not being 'over' his ex is all about his insecurities. He may or may still have feelings for his ex, but the truth of the matter is that he was also hurt and his pride has been hurt. His jealousy is born from that and from having his trust betrayed in the past.

This relationship for now may not be ideal for both of you. He needs to sort himself out. He is reflecting his anger and pain on the relationship and on you. Is this relationship become more of a strain than a loving one?

Only you can answer that.

Don't wait for him. You have to take care of yourself and what is good for you. If the relationship is not bringing you any happiness, then what good is the relationship for but just to have the title?

You are friends before anything else. You care for him. Stay that way and keep these special feelings before the struggles in your relationship bring your feelings of caring into hatred. Isn't that what you ultimately want to avoid?

Save your friendship. The relationship, you know deep inside, is not working. Talk to him and tell him that he needs time and space to work things out within him. And you need to be happy and content in order to help him. The struggle, if you continue with it, will only lead to complete destruction of your friendship.

Give both of yourselves the time and space to find and maintain your friendship back.

Answer 6

Yea thats really a decision only you can make. If you are happy and love him and see things getting better in the future then stay with him but if you see things to just keep on going as they are now an never getting any better than just leave him and try to go back to just being friends and maybe if that happens yall could get back together in the future

Answer 7

Once you get into the 'habit' (and that's what it is) of resolving nothing disputes with heated arguments, then that will never go away as a standard of behavior. Some may say that the making up after is the fun part, but the draining effect of the arguments themselves will soon spoil that. It's not likely to get better.

Answer 8

Be fair with yourself. If he hasn't gotten over his ex, then you shouldn't be giving your all, either. He doesn't have the right to keep you away from getting to know other guys. In fact, that is why you are arguing all the time. You don't feel secure being with him. I suggest you two make things clear. First of all, about the 'status'. Secondly, the rules that come with the status.
Don't waste any more of your time or your feelings.

Answer 9

I think what you need to do is tell him exactly what you want, be very clear, tell him what is bothering you as well. But you have to do that by sitting down face to face and look him in the eyes as you tell him that way he won't misunderstand you. Then ask him what he wants, have him be specific. Then you will know what is going on and you can make your decision.

But you can't get anywhere if you are playing that back forth game, he maybe feels this way, I maybe feel that way, you have to bring the truth out.

Answer 10

you have to be rational and make a wise decision. I know you love him and all but you don't wanna get your heart broken.
I think you should talk to him about it. Ask him if he wants this relationship to go somewhere. Be up front about it and ask him if he still has feeling for his ex. But DO NOT argue about it. Just be calm and nice about it. let him know that you are not trying to trap him in a relationship with you...guys get scared when that happens. But i hope everything works out for you