Should I tell my mom that I'm getting married?

Question

i'm happy with my fiance and my life since i left my hometown at 18. we've been dating for three years and we're getting married this summer. here's the problem: i don't really want my mom involved with my new life/wedding/etc. she married the man that kicked me out of the house at 17, when he'd only been living there a month or two (and wasn't paying rent.) she's continuously chosen her man of the hour over her two children, and has now chased them both off. she's passive aggressive in her communication (ie: my little brother joined the navy and they told me (after he was stationed) by sending me a "US NAVY SISTER" tshirt, or how i didn't find out she was going to be in iraq for a year until long after she'd left) so my question is this: do i tell my mom i'm getting married and just hope she won't come, or do i tell her after the ceremony? should i be the bigger person and try to ignore the fact that i can't stand her and haven't seen her in years? or do i enjoy my wedding for myself?

Answer 1

if it is that bad between the two of you then i would just wait until afterwards to tell her.

Answer 2

Based on all that you've said, and based on the fact that you really don't want her to come - then, no, do not invite her to the wedding.

But here's what would be a good thing: After the wedding, send her a note letting her know you got married, and that you're very happy.

Try to make the note a happy one - in other words, refrain from saying anything negative in the letter. Try as hard as you can to jot a sentence stating that you hope things are well for her.

P.S. Please do your best to let the resentments go. You're an adult now. She's not in your life. Wish her the best in your heart. You don't have to have a relationship with her in person - or in your head.

Answer 3

Kindness says "Yes, invite your mom. Nothing takes away the fact that she is your mother." But on the other hand, you have a lot of hurt that has come into your life through her.
Before you would invite her to the wedding, I would recommend sitting down and examining your life that you had with your mother. If she was a single mom (which is sounds like she was), she became discouraged and would turn to anything and everything to "make her happy." Obviously it didn't work. Instead, she tore her kids apart. But also weigh in any good. . .
Some forgiveness needs to take place before you see her again. Whether it be before the wedding you invite her to or afterward when you decide to inform her. Having an unforgiving heart produces bitterness that will literally affect every aspect of your life, including your marriage if you aren't careful.
And yes, you need to enjoy your wedding! Hopefully, it will be a once in a lifetime opportunity for you- I say that because most of America is divorced, almost 50%. YOU NEED TO ENJOY IT!
If you feel it would do you some good, see a counselor. My dad (who happens to be a christian counselor) works with people every day that have had bad relationships- whether it be with their parents, siblings, friends, etc and helps them find a way to let go and move on. It's not something you need to carry on by yourself.

Answer 4

that's a significant puzzle to me. how the heck does "your chum" think of that she has a snowball's probability in hell of staying married if she can not even refer to her mom? we could anticipate in basic terms for a 2d that she might desire to legally get married. If she does not posses the adulthood to a minimum of tell her mom that she is doing this against her desires and could stay with out her approval, she does not have the adulthood to be speaking approximately marriage to everyone. Marriage is meant to be a existence long dedication to a guy or woman who will furnish and be a existence better half. That demands verbal substitute and the ability to speak approximately some very substantial themes that often incorporate existence and death. she would be able to't even tell her mom she is thinking this. it is not a solid sign. It has not something to do with age. It has to do with being an grownup. that element includes anybody at distinctive cases. Your chum isn't there yet. it's time to go away the infantile targets in the back of , take the fairy tale blinders off and take a tough inspect the actuality of her subject. i could provide her approximately 5 months married, if that.

Answer 5

My brother, sister and I had pretty much the same problem with our mother. She kicked us all out at the same time - while they were in college and when I was only 14.

My sister is engaged now and there was pressure from the rest of the family to just suck it up and invite our mother to the wedding. But I told my sister that if she was feeling any stress about it not to even bother. If her presence at the wedding will upset you or stress you out in any way, DON'T invite her! it's your day.

My mother knows about the wedding through family, but my sister has decided not to invite her. And inviting her to my wedding won't even be a possibility. Though you may feel obligation to "be the bigger person" think of how big you are to go through everything you have. No reason to bring all that back up when you should be thinking of your happy day!

Best wishes to you and congrats!

Answer 6

It is very clear she has not been the best of moms. Nevertheless, she is still your mom. It is sad that you had to leave the nest at 17 in those circumstances. Another way to look at this : Your mom took care of you for the first 17 years of your life when you were most vulnerable. That is a fact. I kind of feel sorry for your mom, because her husband seems to be a bad influence, even manipulative enough to get you out. She is not strong enough to stand up to the powerful influence he has on her. She probably needs more help than hate. I know you are deeply hurt, but put it in perspective.
If there is one person you need to make an exception - It is your mother. If it were me, I would involve her in the wedding in someway, but not in every detail. It is a good balance to strike.

Question you need to ask yourself is - "Will you ever regret not inviting your mother to one of the most special moments of your life? ". If you are not sure, you must.

Answer 7

I think the right thing to do is to tell her, if she wants to show up it would be up to her. Be the bigger person, because after everything is done and said that is still your mother. If she didn't care about you, that little gesture that she showed you by sending that t-shirt shows that deep down inside she wants to have a relationship with you but don't know how to approach the subject. You could invite her and see what happens, I doubt she would say no, all mothers want to see their little girl get married for the first time, you'll be surprised at her response once you show her that no matter what you're still there for her.

Answer 8

Ok, I may not be the best person in the world to get advice from, but I definitely understand living with difficult parents. My older sister got kicked out when she was 18 and my older brother ran away and is now living elsewhere. Difficulty is everywhere in life and not everyone is how we expect they should be. However, I feel that it is of utmost importance that you mother is a part of your wedding. She at least needs to know about it. If you don't inform her of the ingagement, it may be something that you regret for the rest of your life. It's very hard to get along with some people, but she gave birth to you and inside she really does love you even if the physical signs of it don't seem to be present. Please understand my opinion on this. The decision is yours to make and I wouldn't want to force you to do something you don't want to, but from my personal life experiences, family is one of the most important things you have, so don't exclude them from your life! If you believe in God, I'd also say that some praying may help you come to a more complete decision on this. Well, best of luck with everything and congratulations on your wedding.

Answer 9

That's hard. My mom and I haven't gotten along that well, but I'm still having her at my wedding. I'm trying to move beyond some of the mistakes she's made, but it is REALLY hard.

If having her there will really ruin your day, then don't invite her. I'm getting married in July, and I really do think it should be a day that's all about you. But if you think that there's a chance you might enjoy having her there, or wish she had been there down the road, you might want to think about inviting her.

But you don't have to feel obligated to invite her, in my opinion. It's YOUR wedding.

Answer 10

Well, I can give you an answer from experience......I've been married before and my boyfriend and I are now considering it as well. My parents didn't like my ex, and they are snubbing my boyfriend as well. I too, would love to have the ideal thing of a supportive and loving family to take part in things...I think we all would. But, life isn't always ideal, is it?

Hmmm....I would talk with your siblings if you are close to them first and get their take. It sounds like there's alot of 'power play' going on with how information is distributed thru the family, and I know how that goes too (someone DIED and I wasn't told about it)....and the best thing you can do is talk with your fiance and see what you can both live with;

My boyfriend and I are including his family and friends, my daughters, and my friends that stood by me thru my divorce. This will be my boyfriends' first marriage, and I am the first girl he's ever considered (he's 35). We are going to make it special for HIM and special to the people that have stayed with US thru this, and he is going to be there for ME, even when my family isn't.

THAT is what is important, in my humble opinion. :)

If you can't bring yourself to invite her, or let her know, perhaps what you can do is write her a letter, from the both of you, telling her how you agonized over this, what your reasons were, and what you decided and why. Tell her that you'd love to start over and try again, BUT, it takes work from both sides....and she has to do her part. Send it to her post-wedding so that your day doesn't get crashed by an angry parent, if you think she'd do that.

Try to get over hurts of the past, unless the inflicting party insists on flogging you with them forever, and in that case, say bon-voyage, look into some supportive counseling, and get on with your life. :)

Just my 2 cents.

Answer 11

enjoy your wedding and dont invite a person ( your Mother) who has already given you much much grief. this kind of person would find a way to ruin your wedding a lepard dont change thier spots... old saying but true... She didnt show you respect when you needed it now you have created a new life. I know its hard do Do you have a friends mother or an older woman you like and respect. She could stand in..If you invite your mom she will give you memories of pain how she ruined your wedding. remember this She willl never be what you need her to be my mom never was and still isnt its because they are unhappy with themselves and can tstand others with happy lives. thats why they are always in drama. have peace and joy and fun in your new life with your new hubby... God Bless You.... Jen