how to cope with a overly mean mother?

Question

okay here is the situation. my husband and i have been together for 15 years, and all that time my mother (adopted mother) has hated my husband. she went for 4 years without seeing our daughter. my brother calls and says he and mom are coming to visit. i say okay. they come. visit goes well. she leaves. then my brother informs me that she had told him that my children were in dire straights and they had to come check things out. of course there was nothing wrong with children. 6months later she starts saying crazy things about my husband and i. that our children are abused and not developing properly. then the day she finds out i missed carried sends me letters demanding prompt attention the problem with my children, or she will see that they are taken away. then on my daughters birthday she leaves a message on the answering machine accusing my husband of molesting our daughter. of course not true. she says she in't going to stop until we are both in jail. how do we deal with her.

Answer 1

LOVE vs. Attachment.{Let her read this, and you should follow this too).
This is what Love, really is !
Have a Great Week.

What in the world is the difference between loving a person and being attached to them?
Love is the sincere wish for others to be happy, and to be free from suffering.
Having realistically recognized others' kindness as well as their faults, love is always focused on the other person’s welfare. We have No ulterior motives to fulfill our self-interest, or to fulfill our desires; to love others simply because they exist.
Attachment, on the other hand, exaggerates others' good qualities and makes us crave to be with them. When we're with them, we're happy, but when we're separated from them, we are often miserable. Attachment is linked with expectations of what others should be or do.
Is love as it is usually understood in our society
really love? or attachment ? or even possibly for some, only selfish lust.
Let us examine this a bit more. Generally we are attracted to people either because they have qualities we value or because they help us in some way. If we observe our own thought processes mindfully, and carefully - we'll notice that we look for specific qualities in others.
Some of these qualities we find attractive, others are those our parents, or society value.
We examine someone's looks, body, education,
financial situation, social status. This is how most of us decide on whether or not the person holds any true value to us.
In addition, we judge people as worthwhile according to how they relate to us. If they help us, praise us, make us feel secure, listen to what we have to say, care for us when we are sick or depressed, we consider them good people, and it is this type of people we are most likely to be more attracted to.

But this is very biased, for we judge them only in terms of how they relate to "us", as if we are the most important person in the world.
After we've judged certain people to be good for us, whenever we see them it appears to us as if goodness is coming from them, but if we are more aware, we recognize that we have projected this goodness onto them.

Desiring to be with the people a lot who make us feel good, we become emotional yo-yo's -
when we're with these people, we're Up, when we're not with these people, we're Down.

Furthermore, we form fixed concepts of what our relationships with those people will be and thus have expectations of them. When they do not live up to our expectations of them, we're very disappointed, or may become angry !
We want them to change so that they will they will match what we think they are. But our projections and expectations come from our own minds, not from the other people.
Our problems arise not because others aren't
who we thought they we're, but because we mistakenly thought they were something they
aren't.
Checklist: "I Love You if __________ "
What we call love is most often attachment.
It is actually a disturbing attitude that overestimates the qualities of another person.
We then cling to tightly to that person, thinking our happiness depends on that person.
"Love, on the other hand, is an open and very calm, relaxed attitude. We want someone to be happy, and free from suffering simply because they exist. While attachment is uncontrolled and much too sentimental, Love is direct and powerful. Attachment obscures our judgment and we become impatient, angry, and impartial, helping only our dear ones and harming those who we don't like. Love builds up others, and clarifies our minds, and we
access a situation by thinking of the greatest good for everyone. Attachment is based on
selfishness, while Love is founded upon cherishing others, even those who do not look very appealing to the eyes. Love looks beyond
all the superficial appearances, and dwells on the fact that they are just like us: they want inner peace, happiness, and want to avoid suffering. If we see unattractive, dirty, ignorant people, we feel repulsed because our selfish minds want to know attractive, intellectual, clean, and talented people. Love, on the other hand, never evaluates others by these superficial standards and looks much deeper into the person. Love recognizes that regardless of the others' appearances, their experience is the same as ours: they seek inner peace, to be happy, to be free from sufferings, and to do their best to avoid problems.
When we're attached, we're not mentally and emotionally free. We overly depend on and cling to another person to fulfill our mental and especially our emotional needs. We fear losing the person, feeling we'd be incomplete without him.
This does not mean that we should suppress our emotional needs or become aloof, alone and totally independent, for that too does not solve the problem. We must simply realize our unrealistic needs, and slowly seek to eliminate them. Some emotional needs may be so strong that they can't be dissolved immediately.
If we try to suppress them or pretend they do not exist, we become anxious, insecure, falling into a depression. In this case, we can do our best to fulfill our needs while simultaneously working gradually to subdue them.
"The core problem is we seek to be loved, rather than to love. We yearn to be understood by others rather than to understand them. In all honesty, our sense of emotional insecurities comes from the selfishness obscuring our own
minds. 'We can develop self-confidence by recognizing our inner potential to become a selfless human being with many, magnificent qualities, then we'll develop a true and accurate feeling of self-confidence. And
then we'll seek to increase true love, without attachments, to increase compassion, to cultivate patience and understanding, as well as generosity, concentration and wisdom.'

'Under the influence of attachment we're bound by our emotional reactions to others. When they are nice to us, we're happy. When they ignore us, or speak sharply to us, we take it personally and are unhappy. But pacifying attachment doesn't mean we become hard-hearted. Rather, without attachment there will be space in our hearts and minds for genuine Affection and Impartial Love for them.
We'll be actively involved with them.
If we learn to subdue our attachments, we can most definitely have successful friendships and personal relationships with others. These relationships will be richer because of the freedom and respect - the relationships will be based on. We'll care about the happiness and the misery of all human beings equally, simply because everyone is the same in wanting and needing inner peace, happiness, and not wanting to suffer. However, our lifestyles and interests may be more compatible with those of some people more so than with others and that is alright. In any case, our relationships will be based on mutual Love, mutual interests, and the wish to help each other in life.

Answer 2

First off. DO NOT take it personally. I'm having my 3rd baby and my husband has quite openly said I'm a nasty b*tch a lot of the time (!!!!). I can honestly say I'm oblivious to the fact that I'm being moody and unreasonable and sadly it's those I love the most who bear the brunt of it. You are in a no-win situation just now as the hormones turn many women into vicious monsters and we seem to relish lashing out at our partners in particular (maybe we blame you sub-conciously for making us feel so lousy). See if you can get a sympathetic ear to listen when she's really bad. I don't think there's much use trying to talk to her about it - it would probably provoke another outburst. What you have to do is grow a nice set of broad shoulders and just suck it up for now. She doesn't mean what she says and she clearly loves you or she wouldn't be wanting to have a baby with you. I know some people may think you've rushed into things but I knew the first day I met my husband that he was 'the one' and I was only 17. We've been together over 22 years and married for 19 so we must be right for each other. Try not to get invloved in an argument with her and don't rise to the bait if she seems to be deliberately provoking you. I promise in a few months time she'll be back to the sweet girl you met 3 months ago and this will all be a distant memory. Good luck and congratulations.

Answer 3

It seems like you will need a restraining order against her, unfortunately. I know she's your mother, but she is really damaging the harmony of your family. There's something not quite right in her brain - has she ever been diagnosed with some type of depression or schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder?

It may be easy to say that she is trying to get some attention and she is jealous of your husband for taking you away, but her mind is much more farther away from reality than that.

I would not aggravate the situation threatening her - god knows what she is capable of, but make sure that you are constantly talking to your brother about this so that he knows everythng that is going on. Tell your mother to back off gently and see if you can make some sense into her. If she doesn't, then I'm afraid you should have a restraining order placed to ensure your safety and your children's. Better yet, if you can get the court to get your mother some psychiatric assessment, that would be better.

Don't delete any phone messages she leaves. Y ou may need that.

And get a lawyer.

Answer 4

There are two sides to every story. If your mother's claims are completely without merit and her side is invalid then she clearly has problems which can range from the need for attention to actual mental issues. Only you and her can know what the real deal is. If you do not want to remove her from your life and the life of your children, get some counseling on how to talk to her. Possibly she would go with you and solve this mess.

Answer 5

I had to draw the line with mine. There is a book called Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow By judith Viorst

Answer 6

Stay away from her and change your phone number, try to avoid all contact with her. Get a restraining order, which will help you in the future if she tries to take custody of your children. WIth that you will have proof that she is plotting against you. Save all messages she has left, as they may be needed for proof later

Answer 7

Shoot her. But seriously if your certain that shes not correct in her assumptions it seems to me that you really need to cut off all contact with this woman and save every message, mailing or whatever evidence to her craziness for the courts because sooner or later your going to end up there.

Answer 8

Change your phone number and get her out of your life before she totally ruins your marriage and takes your children. She sounds nuts...did your children ever accuse your husband of anything? She is your step mother, sounds like she has a jealous streak for you...

Answer 9

well the way i see it, she doesnt care about you or your husband and she just wants to make trouble for you. and people like that have no business of being in your life if you dont want them to be. warn her that if she doesnt stop soon, you will have to do something about it. and if she doesnt stop then get a restraining order or call the police on her

Answer 10

Understand this. Your mothers' behavior is insane. She You should mention to her that you are seeking to find your natural mother. That will send her over the edge. She will probably be in the "nuthouse" in a year. You must however detach from her. She really isn't your mother anyways. You don't owe her anything. She has stolen from you and your childhood. She doesn't deserve anything from you or your children.

Answer 11

Get a restraining order against her.
For a large fee, I could have her whacked for you.