whoever tells the funniest joke gets 10 points?

Answer 1

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"
____________________________________________________________________________


guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."




HHAAHAHAHHHA!!! =D

Answer 2

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! "Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away. The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."

Answer 3

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppyface?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't
be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: Chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP, D***HEAD! DRINK YOUR F***ING BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG
AND
EAT YOUR MOTHER-F***ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, & YOU
AREN'T
GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, AS**OLE?"
...and, they lived happily ever after.

Answer 4

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for a
and was in line to check out. A woman behind
me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her
no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital the last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care unit with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in
both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I
went on and on with the bogus diet story and she
was,totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet
and, that the way it works is to load your pockets
or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The package said the
food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try
it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in
the line was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food
had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the
hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking
my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be
carried out the door.

Answer 5

1.A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at
it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window,
takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side,
jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the
performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When
finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a
deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps
back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During
the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four
Chinese men.
2.
A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son...
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Answer 6

A couple leaves the club, goes into a cafe, after they read the menu, the waitress arrives. -What did his girlfriend do when he was trying to read the waitress's name tag? -She slaps him in the face & yells: "QUIT LOOKING AT HER BOOBIES & TELL HER WHAT YOU F*CKING WANT!!!"

Answer 7

Question:Why did the blonde take sugar and cream to the movies?

Answer: She heard they had a new serial!!

Answer 8

A black , a Jew and a Mexican, go into a bar: the bartender yells "What is this, a joke"?...

Answer 9

Member since: December 24, 2006

Total points: 347 (Level 2)

Points earned this week:
--%Best answer


A man bought a caterpillar for a pet.
He kept it in a box.
The man was going to church and asked the caterpillar if he wanted to go rejoice with him.
No answer from the caterpillar.
He asked a second time.
No answer.
Finally he looked in the box and asked again.
The caterpillar answered: I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes.

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"



The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.

"You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.

"Try playing a game of fetch with him."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."



Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"



A blonde thought if she died her hair brown she would become smarter. Whilst driving in the country she spotted this farmer herding sheep and asked him "If I guess how many sheep you have will you let me have one?" The man said "Sure." Well she looked over and over and said 73. He said "Wow your good." So the blonde claimed her prize. While walking her back to the car the man said "If I guess your hair color can you give me my dog back?"


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porche, it's a Ferrari."


As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.

That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."

He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"

She quickly replied, "M"!



This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.



There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store.
The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel - they say - because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Answer 10

WOMENS RIGHTS!