Problems with three year old stepson.?

Question

My fiance and I have one child together (she is one year) and he has a son from a previous, um, one night stand should I call it? Anyways, his son, Bryce, stays with us every other weekend for about 4 to 5 days at a time. I have known Bryce since he was 8 months old and I am just as much a part of his life as his father is. When he comes to see us I treat him with the same respect and dicipline as I treat my daughter with. I help him with getting dressed, bathing, I prepare his meals, I read to him and play with him. We do fun things as a family and I accept him as another child to me. Today he told my fiance, his dad, that he does not like me and that I'm disgusting. How do I take this? He is three, but should I take his seroiusly? Is it his mother putting these thoughts into his head? How should I handle this. When I heard what he had said I started crying. I don't know if it is his mother is saying bad things about me or if he really feels this way. Has anybody had this experience?

Answer 1

You really (being the step-parent) should leave the majority of the disciplining of the step-child up to the father. If you don't you will end up with the "you aren't my real mommy" issue. It may or may not be his mother saying these things around him. You'd be surprised at the opinions that little ones can form on their own. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless something comes out of his mouth that REALLY stands out, something that you just know he couldn't have come up with by himself. If or when that happens his father should have a chat with his mother and see if she is in fact saying things inappropriate in front of the child. If she is, he should ask her not to voice her opinions in front of the child. When he does say these things let his father say to him something like "well she loves you and you shouldn't say things like that because it will hurt her feelings". Just reinforce to him that you care about him and you think he's swell! Don't take it to heart and let it get you so upset that you cry. He's only 3!

Answer 2

Being a step parent is hard. I know first hand. I think that the son is old enough now to realize that YOU are not his mom. At 3 he will start to see how much he can get away with when it comes to you and him. His mother could be putting these thoughts in his head yes, but at 3 your not stupid ether. At 3 he knows the difference between right and wrong. Your husband should talk to him if he hasn't already done so, and tell him that kinda talk is inappropriate. My boy friends daughter called me a ***** when she was 3. I knew that came from the mother, because she never said a swear before like that, and my boyfriend did not use that kind of talk around her/or towards me for that matter. I think the best you can do, is do what you have been doing. Be a friend to him and don't treat him any differently now that he said those things to you. Kids do say hurtful things not knowing any better! Good luck and I give all step parents A LOT OF CREDIT!

Answer 3

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! You are NOT as much a part of his life as his father! His father is his FATHER! You aren't even married to his father! It doesn't matter how long you have known this little boy. Do not assume equal status with his parents! And HOW can you treat a three year old with the "same respect and DISCIPLINE" as a one year old??? Just the fact that you mention that Bryce was conceived as a result of a "one night stand" shows that you have some unresolved issues with the fact that your "fiance" has a child that is not yours. No wonder this little boy says he doesn't like you! It sounds like an honest response to me! Oh BooHoo -you started crying when you found out! Is that to make Daddy feel sorry for you because that mean ol Bryce said he doesn't like you??? Oh wait, Bryce's mama must be programming him! He's a three year old boy! Back off! And he's not your "stepson" until his daddy actually marries you!

Answer 4

I've been in your exact situation. And yea, it sucks, but you have to remember that he's 3 and he's testing his limits with you and your fiance. It's important that your fiance back you up and explain that you love him just as much as you do his sister. And that just because he didn't come from your tummy, doesn't mean he's any less yours. He needs to see you two as a united front. There is almost nothing you can do if it's his mother telling him these things. Your fiance could speak to the mother about it, but I doubt it will do any good. I seriously doubt she would admit that she's been talking trash to her 3 year old about you. I've been a step mom for close to 8 years and have been through this and a lot more. Hang in there. It won't always be this bad. Just remember that he's 3.

Answer 5

It makes sense that your feelings would be hurt! And who knows if his mom is saying this stuff or where he's getting it. Generally when kids say this they're really saying, "I want to be more important to you than she is" so try (if you can) not to take it personally. You've put so much care and love into parenting him that I understand that's easier said than done.

How did your fiance handle it? I would think if Bryce is coming to either of you with negatives about the other, you might not make a big deal of it (otherwise he sees the attention he gets for saying these things) and just say, "I certainly don't think so. I think s/he's terrific! I'm glad to have both of you in my life because you guys are just the best!" then move on to the next thing.

When kids say things like this to you directly, it's good to have a one-liner to come back with. I learned this from Parenting with Love and Logic.

When they say, "I hate you!" or "That's not fair!" or "You're disgusting!" figure out a one liner to say like, "I love you too much to argue." It really takes the wind out of their sales and at the same time affirms that you love them.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I am sure that its his mother. It could be the fact that she is jealous that another woman is taken care of her son. Children only mimic what they hear from adults. Similar situation I wen through. My bf had a 7 year old daughter but it just got to the point that I could not handle the mother anymore. She always wanted to know what I was doing what kind of family I came from where my job was. My working hours.So I had walked away from it.

Answer 7

You and your man need to confront the childs mother. Ask her if she is bad mouthing you in front of the boy.
Let her know in no uncertain terms that in the long run it will only hurt the boy, and will not be tolerated.
Your fiance need to back you up on this.

My mother used to talk bad about my step mom, (she was wonderful). My Dad & Step mom never ever said a bad word about my mother in front of me.

Answer 8

A child of 3 does not have a formal opinion. Ignore. If he continues, or escalates, his protests, and uses new adult words to describe you, then I suspect the ideas are being planted in him by someone. And I suspect he only says these things when he's been properly disciplines or told "no". It's part of being 3. Continue doing your good job of parenting, and continue learning about behaviours that might accompany children as they develop. If you don't know the ABC programme "Supernanny", you should check it out. Her techniques are very good. Best of luck.

Answer 9

That's all part of the society we've created now. Dysfunctional families. It's part of the situation you are in. My wife dealt with the same kind of stuff until she was about 23 and I was able to help her to understand it's time for her to live for herself. Not what her mom or dad say about the other.

Answer 10

I wouldn't take this personally. When my son is mad at me, he has told me he hates me (he's 4 1/2). It's not personal. He's just trying to get a reaction and test his boundaries...my son that is. I wouldn't be surprised if his mother isn't feeding him information about you. This boy doesn't even know what these words mean. Really, do NOT take this personally. He will grow to love and appreciate you. Remember, he's only three. I suggest your husband talk to his ex about what this boy is saying. I wouldn't directly accuse her, but make it known that it upsets you both very much that he says such things.