I have two stepsons and a stepdaughter. (Grown up now.) My husbands ex-wife never cared that the boys liked me, but was jealous of her daughter getting on with me. I didn't stand a chance of getting close to her. She was very young when her mum influenced her and eventually she wouldn't come anymore. Last week we met again at my stepsons daughters christening. My stepdaughter walked straight passed me and spoke to my husband, much to her mothers delight. I felt so frustrated and hurt because I've never actually done anything wrong to her. What I feel most hurt about is the fact that my husband knew she'd ignored me, but spoke to her anyway. I feel this looked to her as though she could treat me as she wanted because her father didn't care much. I don't him to fall out with her, but couldn't he have shown her that he won't have me treated like that. Later I asked her to visit anytime and she turned me down. Am I wrong to feel hurt by his loyalty to me?
2007-02-05 06:06:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
My husbands marriage did not break up over me.
2007-02-05 19:45:53 · update #1
I completely understand why you would feel hurt. He should have been a little more assertive with his daughter - if nothing else, her behaviour is extremely rude. Your hubby probably feels a little caught in the middle, he wants to keep you both happy but being a man instead of sticking up for you, he has burried his head in the sand and pretended it didnt' happen - I think this is what happened rather than him being actively disloyal to you. As for the natural mother, if after all that time she takes pleasure out of seeing you hurt, she is a very sad and immature individual indeed - pity her!. I am a stepdaughter myself - I hated my stepmother for many years - I now love her more than anything but it has taken time. You sound like a lovely lady - rise above it. Perhaps before the next time you may bump into the mother and daughter you could gently remind your husband that you don't want to be put in that position again.
2007-02-05 06:18:25 · answer #1 · answered by Bexs 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My heart goes out to you, this is a very difficult situation but the people who are right in the middle of it are your stepchildren. They have to juggle their loyalty to their father, and to their mother, and their friendship with you, and they have a dilemma that they are never going to be able to please everyone! This is such a typical problem that step-parents have. Your husband also had a dilemma, to stick up for you or try to keep sweet with his daughter. It's the devil's dilemma and no-one wins. It's a shame that your husband couldn't at least have said "at least come and say hello to your stepmum" and got her to acknowledge you.
This is such a difficult decision. However, you have to put the children first, regardless of their age. They have a mother and a father who are at odds with each other (because they're divorced) so they have always had to juggle that. Then their dad has a new partner that their mum doesn't like, but they like you. Oh, it is so difficult and I really sympathise. In this situation, you have to be the one to acknowledge that you are the 'outsider' in this particular family group. Grit your teeth, flash your brightest smile and show the world that it doesn't matter. Rage in private if you must, but never ever let his ex-missus have the satisfaction that your nose has been put out of joint. The more graceful you act, the easier it will be for the children to see that you are not joining in the 'game' created by their parents' divorce and that it is 'safe' to be friendly with you in public.
Good luck, tough I know.
2007-02-05 14:23:21 · answer #2 · answered by gorgeousfluffpot 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You're taking a little lack of courtesy and blowing it out of proportion. She may be your husband's daughter, but you said she is grown up now -- consequently, he no longer has authority to make her do anything she doesn't want to do. If a step-daughter treating you rudely is the thing that makes you feel "so frustrated and hurt," you must have a pretty excellent life. Despite how good your life is, you want to take the daughter's behavior and not just be angry at her but also beat your husband up over it. Stop making mountains out of molehills. Be a bigger person and get over this very insignificant slight.
2007-02-05 14:56:07 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If he left his first family for you, then I can understand the girl's animosity toward you. I am not saying it is justifies, just that I understand it. The ex-wife always wants to blame the new wife. The ex-wife has misplaced hostility for you -- she really hates her ex-husband. I'm sure the ex-wife gets off on the fact that you aren't having an easy time with the girl. She would probably love it if it came between you and your husband. ACT LIKE IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU AND CONTINUE TO INVITE HER TO VISIT. Your husband should ALWAYS include you in conversations with her IF YOU ARE IN THE ROOM. If he feels he needs time with her alone, he should take her out somewhere ALONE, and not allow her to simply ignore you.
2007-02-05 14:57:56 · answer #4 · answered by Roberta B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I encourage you to just keep walking in love toward her. On the other hand let your husband know that you were hurt, but don't get upset with him. Your husband probably didn't know how to respond. Remember, men cannot read minds...but for him to know he will probably won't let it happen again. However it is his responsibility to put his child in check, b/c you are his wife. But there needs to be balance on handling this situation. Ask god to give you the strength to walk in forgiveness so that you won't harbor any bitterness or resentment in your heart towards your husband or daughter in law. Remember as you continue to walk in love it will destroy the influence that her mother has over her towards you. Remember that Love never fails.
2007-02-05 15:52:16 · answer #5 · answered by unknown 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
no you are rite if this was me i would feel hurt, you must understand from a younge age she has been turned against u what ever story her mother has told her. your HUSBAND should have said something to her, because at the end of the day your the one that is there for him 24/7. he should of said, you dont have to like her but you have to respect her and be polite because she's my wife
2007-02-05 14:18:59 · answer #6 · answered by SHY1 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are absolutely right to feel hurt by his lack of loyalty to you. You need to feel supported by your husband, especially seeing as how you did nothing wrong. Don't let it eat at you though. Have a heart to heart with him. Make sure you approach the conversation with "I felt hurt when..." as opposed to "You did such and such to me..." I'm learning this really helps. Give him a chance to realize how his actions made you feel hurt and betrayed. Best wishes to you.
2007-02-05 14:14:13 · answer #7 · answered by Oh Suhnny Day 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Absolutely right, your husband is not as insensetive to see the tension going on between you and your stepdaughter. If he doesn't care of what you feel then I think it's time for you to see other aspects in him .
2007-02-05 18:45:48 · answer #8 · answered by iris 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you're not wrong. He should have included you in his conversation w/her and made a point to let her know that he would tolerate no disrespect for you. If he's afraid that she'll refuse to see him if he chooses you, then he needs to tell her to grow up. She sounds like a spoiled brat and your husband sounds somewhat spineless to me. (sorry)
2007-02-05 14:16:44 · answer #9 · answered by Pam C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to show her that you won't tolerate her treating you that way. Fight your own battles.
2007-02-05 15:03:02 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋