How do you Discipline a 4 year old??

Question

Hello, I have a 4 year old girl. I have recently gone through a divorce. Her dad has every Thursday and every other weekend with her. However, these past few months she has only been going to his home every other weekend. He recently got him a new girlfriend and moved in with her. She has two children of her own. When I left him I started seeing a guy that she has known since she was a baby. His (x) best friend. Her dad tells her horrible things about him and puts things in her head. He does not discipline her and lets her get away with everything. I show her lots of love and attention and so does my boyfriend. She goes on these rampages saying that she is a little adult and sometimes when I tell her to do something she tells me she does not want to or tells me to do it. I usually put her in the corner for 4 minutes and then when the timer goes off I get down to eye level with her and ask her why she was put in the corner. She tells me why she went to the corner and then she apologizes. Sometimes when she is put in the corner she screams at the top of her lungs and says she does not want to be in the corner. I then try to explain to her why she was put in the corner. She will get mad at my boyfriend or me and she will try to scratch us or bite us. She says things like she doesn’t like us or she doesn’t want us. Of course she will get put in the corner for this. If she throws her toys they are taken away. She acts like she is a little boss and I try to explain to her that she is not and that we are. My relationship is straining because she does not want to listen to him or me. I need to know how to deal with this so that my relationship that use to be so loving and caring will go back to being normal.

Answer 1

Find the "1,2,3... Magic" video at you public library -- its just a simple system, of warnings & timeouts that is a very effective and efficient system to use with kids -- no arguing, no reasoning, no confusion -- kids really adapt and respond to it incredibly fast

Simply put, you simply and unemotionally tell you children when they are misbehaving that they are on "One" or "Two" or "Three" -over the course of a day - if they get to three, they need to take a time-out for 1 or 2 minutes times their age, eg. a 5 yr old, 5-10 minutes -- no lectures, no emotions, just an easy but fair benevolent dictatorship

(P.S. the clock on time-outs don't start if they child is still misbehaving, eg screaming)

Answer 2

you have big problem an you Hans lady.to disabling a 4 years,
old kit is to start very Early,i know because i have 4 children.my wife and i we work very hard to bring them up Do not forget the school's
the most of the children's learn from ether children in schools,and make the bringing up moor bifocal.but you steal have same time.liaising carefully,you must be very firm an you words.you must set the rules Dow and do not fill sorry at all.Kipp you love to you self, .this is the moist import.do not yous bad languish in you home, do not yous the ward
shut up, no cussing and swearing in the house.make shore her Friends do the same,you must give them same choirs to do every day ,must do the home work every day,and when every thing is don then you,
kiss them, and tel them thank you.they will get the Addia.

Answer 3

This may sound a little cold but get some counseling
for her. She is very frustrated right now. She is pitting you against her dad and she is scared. She can't tell you how she is feeling or what she is feeling. So she screams and yells and anything else
to let you know she is frustrated. Hug her, tell her you love her and let her know you will always
be there for her. Good luck.

Answer 4

Welcome to world of the four-year-old. Every parent with a 4 or 5-yr-old deals with this, you're not alone. Seems to me like you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, so just stay consistent. If her dad refuses to discipline her, maybe you shouldn't let her go to his house anymore.

Answer 5

This is a lot for a family to go through, so sorry to hear it. Not only for you, but your daughter is having a rough time too. This is most evident by her acting out, but even if she wasn't she would just be holding it in.

There isn't anything you can do about what happens at dad's house but you can try discussing things with your ex to see if you can come up with a plan for her sake because you both presumably love her. You need to decide what is on or off limits in conversation with her (such as getting her involved in arguments you are having, or talking trash about the step parents.) You also need to come up with consistent discipline so that what's right and wrong one place is the same at the other. If you are going through special milestones of learning or weaning, make getting rid of blankies, answering sex questions, dealing with bedwetting, or teaching table manners, do it the same way. Last thing to check for consistency is routines and schedules, as much as possible. Things may have to be a little different depending on work times, and other commitments but try to get it close, esp bedtime, naps, and mealtimes.

Please make sure that when you are both deciding these things, that you are civil about it. Try to concentrate less on each other and your conflict, and more on your daughter and her needs. Related, in most cases, if it comes to a dispute, it is more important to agree to a compromise than for either of you to really fight to be right. If you win some and lose some and can agree to do something the same, even if that isn't exactly what you would do on your own...well, it is better than learning that each of you ended up doing your own very different things with her because each was "so unreasonable". In the end, try to have enough trust and understanding with each other that you both want what is best for her, honor the agreements that you make on what to do, and give each other a break when mistakes are made.

Regarding discipline, I always say catch em being good. Kids aren't naughty all the time. There are lots of times when they are doing well. Make sure you notice it and give lots of attn and compliments on specific behavior and why it is the right thing to do.

For example, instead of "Good JOB!" you can say, "Hey, I love it when you pick up your toys! They won't get broken when they are put away, will they?"

When she is being inappropriate, on the other hand, is not the time to engage in arguments, negotiations, or anything else for that matter. She can get a warning and then straight to time out. No communication except for the fact that the time out is in effect and a simple reason for it, and when she will be allowed out. If she excuses herself from time out or tries to keep arguing with her, you can put her back in her spot and tell her time out starts when she is quiet.

Try to get her talking about her feelings whenever possible. Set the stage by talking about YOUR feelings on a regular basis.

"Boy I feel frustrated today, it was a crazy drive home and now I have all this stuff to do! I want to just cry! Do you ever feel frustrated like that? What makes you frustrated?"

It is ok for her to talk about dad at your house, and it's ok for her to talk about mom at dad's house. It's okay for her to talk about being sad or angry or missing how things used to be.

Inappropriate behavior is almost always the result of trying to get a valid need met, just doing it the wrong way. Often this is attention. Even though your life is crazy right now, make sure there is a lot of nurturing going on with her. Round out her needs by making sure she gets good rest, good nutrition, plenty of exercise, and plenty of play and learning opportunities. The best way to get this accomplished with less of a scramble is to organize her day into routines where you go from one thing to the next, and the next. Eventually she will be more secure, because she will know what is going on, what to expect later, and trust you that her needs are being met, there is no need to throw a fit.

There is a lot of consistency needed here, if you both can't agree on how to parent her, you will be hurting her in the long run and you will have to deal with her bad behaviors too. It won't be her fault, either. But knowing that you can't change or control what is going on at the other house, except in cases of abuse or neglect, the only thing you really can control is her environment with you. Just make sure that even if dad doesn't do his best, you do.

Very last thing is that you need to prepare for those transitions from one house to the other where boundaries will really be tested, especially if you know there are inconsistencies. It doesn't mean you cave in to the rules at your house, but just be ready for reminding what your rules are.

Answer 6

I know what your are going through. I've been there myself.

Lets attack your problem on three levels.
First:
Children need to know YOU are the BOSS. PLUS, they WANT limits. They will test YOU to see if you enforce them, you don't and you might as well give then your car keys and a gun. You have to sit down with your daughter and explain 3 things.(don't think she is too young to understand these concepts)
1. There is a penalty for BAD behavior. (You'll notice I'm not using the politically correct "unacceptable behavior") There is NOT a reward for GOOD behavior. ("Be a good girl in the store and Mommy will buy you and ice cream." is the WRONG approach.The idea of rewarding a child for being good is nothing more than bribery! See if a cop offers you $20 NOT to speed.)
2. Penalty for BAD behavior may not be pleasant. (bear with me, this starts off sounding severe but you'll see it is more a mind game with your daughter.) In front of her I took and old belt and cut it down to about 18 inches. Not metal hardware, not holes, just a leather strap. I told my daughter it was going to be used to spank her if she broke the rules! (You have to etablish rules, write them down and tape to the fridge if need be) I showed her how I would use it by smacking the table real LOUD and MENACING. I asked her if she understood. I told her I did not want to do this, BUT I WOULD!
I explained there would be a set amount of swats for offenses. Never more than 5! She reacted very well! She was a model of excellant behavior for almost a week. She wrote on the wall in the hallway with a crayon and I caught her. I explained this was bad and she would get swats for it. I then made her go and get "The Belt". We hung it inside a cabinet door, easy for her to reach. She cried all the way there and back. She pleaded she did want to get a spanking. I felt very bad but made good on my promise. (ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WORD) I told her this was a 3 swat penalty. I had her bend over slightly and put her hands on the table. (this is important, you don't want to hurt her and it protects her hands from an accidental hit) I then swat her on her rearend, not hard just firm.The second one lightly, as if I missed and the third a little harder than the first. (IMPORTANT, none of these were hard enough to physically hurt her or leave a mark) She cried like I had killed her dog. It really killed me. I then pulled her into my arms and told her I loved her and held her until she stopped crying. Then the hard part. I sent her to her room and told her to come back out when she could tell me why she got a spanking. She emerged about ten minutes later and said, "I broke the rules by coloring on the walls." This worked out so well on one occasion when she broke a rule I asked her how many swats she thought she deserved, she said 20. I knew she had reached a point where she VALUED the importantce and severity of different rules. I reminded her of the 5 swat max. and gave her only 3. Not as a reward for good behavior, but for learning the importance.
3. Difference of APOLOGIZING and ASKING FORGIVENESS. Saying I'm sorry does nothing. People do it everyday with no thought to what has happened. If I bump into you and knock you down, spill your things, and say, "I'm sorry." it does nothing to address how YOU feel. I stay in control! But if I stop and say, "I'm sorry! Will you forgive me?" I have given you the power of the situation and wait for you to respond. "Yes, I'll forgive you, if you help me up and help me collect my things." You took the power and added a penalty (picking up your things) for my BAD behavior. Gee, we're acting absolutely civilized!

Second the problem with your ex. From what you say, it sounds like he is trying to create problems in your home. It's very hard in these situations because there are always underlying feelings toward each other, but for you daughter's sake you need to think ONLY of her well being. You correct her in your home, NOT your boyfriend! Until he steps up to the plate, marrys you and becomes her step-father he doesn't have any right to correct her. Same goes for the exes girlfriend. This has to be worked out soon. There can be no skipping ANY of the rules for convience, if so, then you are starting all over again and again. She will tell your ex everything that goes on in your home, just as she tells you what happens in his. You have to weed out the manipulation.That of your daughter trying to manipulate you with "Daddy did this for me, and Daddy lets me do that." (which may or may not be true) and that of your ex purposly allowing her to do things he wouldn't allowed when you were together. (exes have lost visitation for "allowing their children to run wild", no discipline means UNSAFE) Tell your ex the rules in your house and ask him to enforce the same. (sounds like he won't but you can ask) He may try to use spanking as a cruel and unusual punishment or call it abuse, so you need to explain exactly how it is used and administered. This will save you any threats of custody.

Third is the biting and hitting. PENALTY!!!!! BAD behavior, NOT ALLOWED!

All three of my daughters have turned out well. One is a mother of three. (She tried to use the "time outs" and "rewards" routine and finally went to the way I treated her. Her children went from being called little animals by friends and family to being called little angels.) The other graduated with a medical degree and plans a family of her own. The third is in HS, plays three instruments and has written the cutest book. They don't use drugs or alcohol, have never been arrested and constantly amaze me with their accomplishments. I take no credit they did it on their own, I only applied a little pressure to change the direction of a twig.

Answer 7

give her love...more and more of it...