hi all , can you please give me your opinon on my poem and any constructive comments that you can give me that may improve my writing abilities, many thanx
War
Charge, they cry with guns blazing
Kill them all you hear them saying
Storming towards the enemy lines
These are bloody and violent times
No mans land is littered with dead
No arms no legs and even no head
Some are still alive and writhe in pain
Running past trying to pass the blame
They shot our lads they must pay
None of them must live another day
Sounds of gunshot rebound all around
The horrible smell of war and its sound
Pain attacks the chest, you start to fall
Medic! You scream, please hear my call
I cannot die this blackest day come rescue me
Oh lord in heaven let them hear my plea
Darkness invades into your terrified eyes
Thinking of whom you would say goodbyes
Will they miss me? Will they know?
To heaven or hell will my soul go?
2007-02-05 05:43:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
i think its nice. i don't know what kind of criticism you're wanting. if its just for you then don't change it unless you want to. but if its for a school project maybe fix a couple of things. schools are annoying that way.
although the blackest day bit is very poetic, it totally ruins the flow of that verse. is that what you're going for? if so, don't listen to me. but i do feel the poem would be just as good without it, maybe even better. a bit less cliched and soppy perhaps. you could just put "i cannot die here come rescue me". i think thats a bit more sincere and therefore a bit more dramatic. posh language for posh language sakes is something to be avoided at all cost.
1st line last verse is wrong, take out 'into'. and 'thinking of whom you would say goodbyes'.. that doesnt make sense at all but i'm not sure what to do. 'thinking of those you would tell (or bid) goodbye'. yeah thats better.
other than that, alls well.
2007-02-05 05:56:08 · answer #1 · answered by spiralling 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No mans land is littered with dead
No arms no legs no head
That just just doesn't make sense to put those lines in it. It does nothing to help the story, the poem tells but, the rest is very good.
2007-02-05 05:52:17 · answer #2 · answered by easstotts 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The contents being sad and all, I liked how fluid it was. Some poetry doesn't "mesh" together, but yours does. Sometimes writers have to throw in random words that don't make much sense to make it rhyme, ya know.?
Whenever you feel the urge to write, write.
2007-02-05 05:48:32 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That sounds almost exactly like what my uncle went through while in war. Great poem!
2007-02-05 05:48:14 · answer #4 · answered by Spike 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a great poem. The emotive langauge is just right, and provokes an emotive response.
God bless you.
2007-02-05 08:55:56 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad At all, I don't agree with the sentiment but as a poem it's quite good.
2007-02-05 06:31:53 · answer #6 · answered by wolfe_tone43 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If its ORIGINAL ?? then i liked it, It maybe a bit to graphical for some of our peace loving friends.
2007-02-05 06:34:39 · answer #7 · answered by newciderman 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really like that. But revenge isnt gonna do no good.
2007-02-05 05:52:21 · answer #8 · answered by godsapostolic 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very good what a great poem very to the point
2007-02-05 05:46:36 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
it sure fits the times at hand good job
2007-02-05 05:48:04 · answer #10 · answered by woody 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋