Hows my poem?

Question

hi all , can you please give me your opinon on my peom and any constructive comments that you can give me that may improve my writing abilities, many thanx

War

Charge, they cry with guns blazing
Kill them all you hear them saying
Storming towards the enemy lines
These are bloody and violent times

No mans land is littered with dead
No arms no legs and even no head
Some are still alive and writhe in pain
Running past trying to pass the blame

They shot our lads they must pay
None of them must live another day
Sounds of gunshot rebound all around
The horrible smell of war and its sound

Pain attacks the chest, you start to fall
Medic! You scream, please hear my call
I cannot die this blackest day come rescue me
Oh lord in heaven let them hear my plea

Darkness invades into your terrified eyes
Thinking of whom you would say goodbyes
Will they miss me? Will they know?
To heaven or hell will my soul go?

Answer 1

wow. that stunned me. omg there's a tear coming out of my eye..seriously that was soo good. if i was a teacher i would give you an A+. i really liked it.:D if you continue your poems like this then it's going to go great for you.

good luck XOXOX

Answer 2

Here it is again with one or two graqmatical corrections if that's OK

War

"Charge!", they cry with guns a-blazing
"Kill them all." You hear them saying
Storming towards the enemy lines
These are bloody and violent times

No mans land is littered with dead
No arms, no legs, and even no head
Some are alive and writhe in pain
Running past trying to pass the blame

They shot our lads now they must pay
None of them must live another day
Sounds of gunshot all around rebound
The horrible smell of war and it's sound

Pain attacks the chest, you start to fall
"Medic!" You scream, please hear my call
"I cannot die this blackest day: Come rescue me
Oh Lord in Heaven, let them hear my plea."

Darkness invades into your terrified eyes
Thinking to whom you would say goodbyes
Will they miss me? Will they know?
To Heaven or hell where will my soul go?

Answer 3

thats very good

and you would be better posting in the arts and humanities section http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/dir/;_ylt=AkYNw1Q6BJsC.qiN7x6ZgukGBgx.?link=list&sid=396545012 i think rather than the jokes and riddles

if you are serious about writing poetry then make sure you get them copyrited so no one nicks them and says they are theirs.

The "poor man's method of copyright" is as follows. Write down your joke/story/poem. At the bottom of the page, write: Copyright (c) [your name] 2007. All rights reserved. (Or the appropriate date). Then mail a copy of the document to yourself and one other person using signed for or registered mail. DONT open it, the date on the envelope and the signature will prove when it was sent and received. That way, you have proof that you put the idea on paper and wished to copyright it.

good luck

Answer 4

I like the concept, but there are many misspellings. Also, "textspeak" doesn't bother me when it's used to save time and money, but in poetry, you should spell out all the words and also check the spelling of the entire poem before you submit it. You are obviously a very sensitive person.

Answer 5

Too heavy for me dude! There would be no end to the bloodshed if revenge is the cause:
"They shot our lads they must pay
None of them must live another day"


But a good read in mho.

Answer 6

Better than I could manage, but a couple of points:

The first two lines do not scan or rhyme.
"Charge!" they cry with guns a blazing
"Kill!" they shout, eyes a glazing

/Running past trying to pass the blame/
Given up trying to place the blame

Darkness invades into your terrified eyes ; delete 'into'
/Thinking of whom you would say goodbyes/
Thoughts of lovers and lost goodbyes

Answer 7

Pretty good. You might want to rethink the line about no arms no legs and no head - it sounds a bit funny, which is really not the effect you are trying to create. Perhaps use a line ending in 'dread' instead. Other than that, I think it's good.

Answer 8

Not bad. Does look as though you struggled to make some of it rhyme. Last verse more than makes up for it though. It's an excellent ending.

Answer 9

Good one steve s, i like it! keep on writing...the more you do, the better you get at it....you're good already!! Hope you got more poems to share, as I'd also like to read about different things, not just about war! Keep it up!

Answer 10

WOW!!!!!!!
I wish I could write poetry like that.
I love poetry and that was the best one I've heard in a long time and at school we just got finished studying poetry.