How do I deal with a husband that has no reguard for our financial situation?

Question

We have about $50,000 worth of debt and to save money we are living with my parents. The debt is due to his school and car accidents that he has caused, none of it is mine. I have been the main "bread winner" for a year and a half because of him going to school. I don't mind, but it's like he doesn't even appreciate it. There have been 2 times that he has spent a lot of money without even telling me after. 1) He spent $700 on a toy airplane and 2) He spent $290 on a cell phone, when he could have gotten one for free. I have told him that we need to talk to each other about purchases over $50 at this point in our lives. He agreed, but now it is more like I am rasing a son instead of in a relationship with my husband. He bought the $290 phone when I needed my breaks fixed. Every time I bring up our financial situation to him he blows up and ask if I am just trying to make him feel bad about the debt. It's just reality. I am going crazy! I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this was so long

Answer 1

Well, you could cut off his access to the family account; take away his debit card, kill off any and all credit cards you have, and put him on an allowance of "fun" money that he can spend on whatever he likes.

Another way to do it is to keep two separate accounts - one in your name only, where the money goes to pay off the bills, maybe even save a little, and the other in both of your names for the money that can be spent fo rthings like movies, dinner out, etc. And when that's gone for the month, then it's gone. DO NOT put any more money into that account.

However, don't do this behind his back - tell him what you are doing. Make a spreadsheet of your total income for the month, a detailed list of all the bills, and how much you put into savings every month. Maybe having it laid out for him that way will make him understand the seriousness of the debt.

This isn't going to be easy, and he's going to get mad at you for supposedly controlling his life. Maybe you can get him to take a class on budgetting and money smarts.

BTW? You ARE supposed to feel bad about your debts and strive to clear them. What does he think is going to happen to them otherwise? They'll just float away?

Answer 2

Honestly, I'd tell the man he MUST get a job of some type if he isn't working. If he doesn't want to work, or contribute more, he'd have to go. Your parents most likely thought this was a time in their lives where they could relax; instead they're living with the two of you. That isn't fair to them, or to you. You have got to put your foot down about the money. Tell him you worked hard while he was going to school, now it's his turn. You can't continue in the situation you're in. Toy airplanes and fancy cell phones while your brakes aren't working? That's not just stupid of him, but dangerous to you. I'd really think about where this relationship is going and what the future might hold, cause as it is, you'll never get out of debt. Not to mention, he seems not to care about what happens to you. Sometimes people need a wakeup call. I'm sure you didn't see your life this way, and he needs to know that.

Answer 3

Unfortunately is sounds like your husband is immature when it comes to money matters. Financially incompatibility is the number one cause of divorce in the U.S. it even comes before abuse and cheating. While I'm not sure of a quick fix.. my mom is in the same boat as you with my dad. If he is anything like my dad it is unlikely your husbands behavior will change. $700 for a toy airplane is just ridiculous! You could take away a joined account and put everything in your name since you are the one with a paycheck, but that will probably make him resent you. I guess all you can do is hope that when he gets a job that he learns to appreciate the fact that hard earned money should be spent more wisely. If not leave him. You should watch the movie" "The Grand Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio": It's a true story of a very similar situation such as your own.

Answer 4

Financial problems are a major cause of divorce. I'm glad you are taking this so seriously. I agree with the previous answerer who said that perhaps marriage counseling might be a good way to deal with this. Apparently you and your husband have different ideas about money and spending and this is leading to conflict in your relationship.

In the meantime, perhaps you could make even stricter agreements about how to curb spending. For example, you could try to convince him to give up his checkbook and credit cards and only give him a $50 allowance so he won't be tempted to spend more than you can afford. This should be done by mutual agreement of the two of you, not just you telling him what he will do.

Also, you might consider the possibility that your husband has some sort of psychological issue that is affecting his spending habits. For example, did you know that spending sprees are sometimes a symptom of bipolar disorder? Perhaps convincing him to get a psychological evaluation could turn up something that's making it hard for him to keep within your means.

Answer 5

I had the same problem with my husband. He was immature and irresponsible about money.

Make a written budget. Include a short term and a long term plan. Show him, in writing, how his expenditures are causing you to fall deeper into debt. Also show him, in writing, a plan to get out of debt using a budget. If he can't stick with a budget, then remove his access to money. This is infantile behavior on his part, and if you are going to be the responsible one, then unfortunately, you have to assert the authority over the money. He might blow up, but eventually he has to learn to be responsible, or you will never be out of debt. Give him the choice to either accept the limits of the budget, or to be given an allowance. You aren't being the mommy, you are being an adult, and he needs to grow up and be an adult, too.

Answer 6

Since you are the main breadwinner and talking to him has not helped, you need to do either one of two things:

You either need to leave him or if you love him and don't want to do that, you need to open your own bank account to make sure the bills get paid and do not give him access to the account. He has shown you that he cannot handle the responsibility of holding down a job, handling money. Anyone who buys a $290 phone instead of brakes for the car is stupid. He is endangering your life by doing that as well as anyone on the roads that you are traveling on with bad brakes. Open your own account and do not give him access. It's up to you to take matters into your own hands and get yourself out of debt because it's obvious that you can't depend on him.

Answer 7

I think an ultimatum is in order. If he can't keep from making a huge problem even worse, then you have no choice but to leave him. He only blows up because he knows what he is doing is wrong. I'd suggest getting him some financial counseling as well. $700 on a toy airplane? I'd kick him out so fast he wouldn't know what hit him!

Answer 8

i am going to be very honest with you ?may i?
where in the world did you find him to start with ?
and may i ask ? how old is your husband ?
it is so easy to spend others money if you do not earn it yourself .your husband, does not know what # respect # is ! i can understand .perhaps,him being out of work for a while ....but ? for him to spend your money for a phone at 290 $ without even consulting you ? i am agape ! and why do you have to pay for his school ? there are grants out there easily accessible .....(i know that for a fact ,and it is NOT your job ) there are part time jobs ...it matters not what you do ...as long as you try .....i have kids ..and NEVER , would they dare do what your husband is doing : for the answer would be NO !they would not dare behave as your husband ! and they are kids ......
he is taking advantage of you , accept it or not ?! he lacks respect of you in many ways ......to top it all ? he blows up ? ! tell me you are joking there ? .........;
i read # counseling # above .......heck no ! !!!
he knows what he has found ,when he found you .!
the toy airplane ? 700 dollars ??????????? what the world for ???????? what about you ? you work , you help him out .and he spends # your money # and worries NOT about your bank account ?........ no ! no !
you need to get out , and take care of yourself , and not let some man take care of your money as HE does !!!!!
i truly think you have made a mistake , anyone that really loves and respects you ? would not behave as he does .......no way !
to top it all ? now you are at YOUR parents ??????????! i usually do not answer questions like yours .but i am truly besides myself reading you .........:-(
please take some serious time to consider your position ,be honest with yourself .ask yourself the right questions , and after a while ? answer yourself .......HONESTLY ! i think you already know the answer ..........
if i have offended you ? please .accept my sincere apologies , but this is not right at all !
good luck to you ...................................................:-)

Answer 9

The very best way is to talk openly about this with a counselor. I know he might not want to go, but this is a small issue if resolved and a monumental issue if not dealt with properly. This is a divorce issue if ignored. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, necessarily, maybe he isn't either. But without the intervention of a counselor, it will fester.

Answer 10

i would try and sit down and have a talk with him, but do it when you 2 arent arguing. if he doesnt take you seriosly, you should take over the bills. open up a new account in your name only and have your check direct deposited so he doesnt have access to the money. sounds harsh, but if you want to get out of debt you may have to do that. good luck!