How do I communicate with my 12 yr. old daughter?

Question

I am a single parent of a 12 year old daughter. I own my own business and house. I work hard so that my daughter can see If she works hard and maintains a postive attitude and follow through with task she will also be a very successful person in life too. Everytime I give my child simple instructions she always seems to do the opposite. For example, she might ask me where is the sugar? I would reply by saying it is in the cabinet above the stove. Too my suprise she might look in the cabinet above the dishwasher. I asked her why did she look in that cabinet she said she thought I said the cabinet where the bowls are. I have tried to get her help by a doctor in a mental clinic. They told me along with her teachers that she is perfectly normal.
My daughter is not rude or disrespectful she is well- liked by her teachers and classmates.
I'm very concerned about her misinterpretion of everything I say.
I try to be very clear and accurate when I speak to her.
ONLY SERIOUS RESPONCES!!

Answer 1

I am the mother of a 32 year old daughter, and when she was 12 I thought she had been abducted by aliens because she seemed to always be in another world. But I talked to her, I mean like a real person, not like a mother. The most important thing I did was I listened, really listened. I wasn't looking for things she was doing wrong or anything like that. She was going through a serious transitional stage from child to teenager. Her body was changing, her thought process was changing and it was hard for her to grasp it all. So her mind was pre-occupied with all of this and she wouldn't hear everything I was saying to her or asking her to do. She wasn't being disrespectful or rebellious, she was just being a kid. My daughter started her menstral cycle when she was 9 years old and that was traumatic enough, believe me. She developed breasts at the same age and she just wanted to die. But we lived through it, thankfully and we have a great relationship today. So ease up on her, and communicate with her. Communication is the key to it all. Good Luck!!

Answer 2

She's got a lot on her mind and in fact when you are saying 'In the cabinet above the dishwasher" she's thinking "I wonder if my blue blouse is clean" and then when she comes back she thinks she heard right, but in fact she has not.

This is the time when you need to pick your battles. As long as she is doing well on the BIG things in life, let her slide on the little things. Finding the sugar is Little. Remembering to put on a seat belt, or remembering that a stop light means STOP, these are the BIG things.

When she does these silly little things, you can simply repeat what you said before and see the change. Remind her that when she asks a question she needs to stay around to hear the answer, but give her a bit of leaway - remember, she's 12.

Answer 3

Has your daughter always done this or is it recent? Someone mentioned maybe a hearing problem. That might be something to look into. Someone else mentioned that it is typical for teenagers to go through a period of mishearing like this. That could be too.

It might also be an issue with "auditory processing" or "language processing." My daughter is dyslexic. One of the hallmarks of dyslexia is that the child has difficulty "processing" what is being said to them. (Their ears are fine but there's something going on with how their brain processes the sounds and words.) I'm not saying your daughter has a learning difference but sometimes a child can have a touch of this kind of processing thing and the effects can be subtle. Also, kids learn to compensate for it (which is good) or hide that they don't always know what is going on (not so good). It is often missed by doctors and teachers. The child might mishear what you said, like in your example. Some kids have a hard time listening if there's background noise. Some have trouble keeping a whole list of instructions (put on your shoes and get your coat and don't forget to lock the door behind you) straight. If it's severe enough to affect them in school, it's a learning disability and they can be taught in a different way. (My daughter is doing quite well, but she was taught to read in a whole different way than how reading is usually taught.) If your daughter has just a bit of something like this, it's still good for her to be aware of her tendency to mishear. That helps her to compensate; she might get in the habit, for example, of making sure she's got directions straight when she's given them. And if she does have something like this, please know that it has nothing to do with her intelligence or her ability to be successful in life.

Answer 4

It's called "selective hearing". I have the same problem with my boy friends 13 year old. Since I now know how she thinks or not, when I give her an answer to a question, I make her repeat back everything I have said.

I do this for clarification and it works. Try it for a while mom. There is nothing wrong with her, it's just her age and she is distracted.

Does she look at you like a deer looking at head lights when you talk to her? If she does, she is NOT listening.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Seriously...I'm with the doctors. Why in the world would you think that your daughter is slow or in need of evaluation by a mental clinic? You sound like your expectations of your daughter might be a little too excessive. You need to relax and enjoy life with your daughter, not knit pick over silly incidences of where she thought you told her where something was. She is only 12...not your age. I would seriously recommend that you go to parental counseling and that you might go to some counseling yourself. If you continue to be overbearing and authoritarian, you are going to potentially have a very rebellious teen or young adult on your hands. You think things are bad now! LOL! Female family members tend to clash (parent & child)...especially when the younger seeks identity.

Answer 6

Perhaps you're making a fuss over nothing.. not everyones perfect and maybe your standards are a little too high for your 12 year old daughter, after all, she's twelve years old.
If the doctors and teachers say that she's perfectly normal, why isn't that good enough for you?
Maybe you should look at yourself and ask why you aren't acceptant of your daughter like everyone else is.

Answer 7

Well Mom its called selective hearing-she only hears what she wants to hear and frankly where the sugar is is not as interesting as what she is thinking about in her head. Your daughter may be what is called scatter brained which means she does odd things like that occasionally, probably loses things a lot or misplaces them, she is probably almost always running late well that is NORMAL for her age. They are scatter brained at this age. They are off in thier own little world half the time and talking to friends the rest of the time. It will get better - mom of 3 all grown and I still have hair after their teen years,lol.

Answer 8

Don't take it personal - and don't take it that there is a problem with your daughter. Her listening skills are still being honed. She may be somewhere else when you speak to her and she only hears parts of it the first time. Is she afraid to ask you to repeat it? I have a son that is almost 12 and he quite often "doesn't hear me" - but it's a game to him - because he hopes that if he doesn't do it right, that I won't ask him again. My 13 yr old daughter will sometimes do as your daughter does - but it's because she didn't hear the entire statement for one reason or another.

Answer 9

I know life as a single parent is quite hard and if you work too is even worse. But when you have some time only to yourself dedicate it to playing with your daughter, reading stories, going to friends together or bringing friends' daughters along for her to play. She is giving you an alarm sign: hey, Mum, I'm here as well. She might like to be praised by you and given small presents every time she does something as you instruct her to do. Perhaps the lack of the other parent is also a sign for her: she might consider herself guilty. Talk to her. Give yourselves time and talk to her. Seriously.

Answer 10

She might have a hearing prolbem. If she thought you meant that certain cabinet and you said another. Her hearing might be slightly off. Have you thought of that? Maybe she's lashing out for your attaction. Maybe she doesn't feel like you give her enough between your business and stuff like that. Sometimes teenagers go through that stage. Have you tried talking to her about why she's been doing it? I'd start there.