Do I let my mom come to see my kids?

Question

I have not seen my mom in 4 years...have not spoke to her in over 1 year. She has drug issues along with just general life issues - she lives for drama. There is just a long, long history as to why I have cut her out of my life. She is very controling and vindictive as well. I didn't know where she was living - the last I heard she was being kicked out of her house for forclosure. I got a call last night from my grandma (her mom). She is living about 2-3 hours from me and wants to come see my kids. The last communication I got from her was a very nasty letter defending everything she did to me and my kids, blaming it on her problems and how I was an awful daughter. She tells family that she is sorry she wrote it. I don't want to be mean and keep my kids from family, but I don't know if she is sincere. Why won't she call me and ask herself? Why doesn't she apologize to me directly? Is it a bad idea to agree to meet with her?

I have 3 kids, my youngest doesn't even remember my mom. My older 2 who are now 6 and 8 remember her and were hurt by her in the past. They have got over it over the past year - I don't know if I want to chance them getting hurt again. But what's worse - that chance of that or keeping them from her until they are older?

My kids have not asked about her in a long time. My oldest understands there are "grown-up" reasons why we don't see her, but we still love her and pray for her. It's my mom who is asking for this meeting, not the kids.

Answer 1

Your mother has not called you, apologized for past behavior or asked to see your children. All the information you're receiving is from third parties. I wouldn't do anything. If your mother contacts you, apologizes without excuses and has been to drug rehab, then if you really want to see her I'd meet her without the children at a restaurant to talk. I would not allow her contact with the children until you have established a relationship with her. This way you can make sure she isn't doing drugs, she isn't still controlling, vindictive and blames other people for her problems. Your first obligation is to your children. She has obviously done some hurtful things to you and the children. I wouldn't trust her until she proves she has changed. I'm not talking a few weeks here, I'm talking months and months. If she sincerely wants to be in you and your children's lives she'll do whatever you think is appropriate to make it happen. Be strong and protect your children. Remember she hasn't even made the first step---you're just hearing this second-hand. When other family members call you to tell you what your mother has said and wants, I'd let them know that you really don't want to talk about it since your mother has made no attempts to contact you. She's an adult, she can call you directly. You're a very caring mother and you're doing the right thing by putting your children first. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Maybe you should have them see her at a family reunion or Sunday Dinner where you are gonna be present but also other family members so that you CAN see how she interacts with the children and it also gives you an opportunity to interact with her.I think the best thing is to have a family gathering or just you, your children, your grandma and your mom for dinner and just kinda see what happens. I personally would not let my children go somewhere with her alone. Also, this way, by having dinner with the family, you'll prevent from her finding out where you live so if things dont work out at the gathering, you will go home safely knowing that she wont be showing up at your door wanting to start some drama or anything like that.

Answer 3

There is always room in this world for forgiveness, but how you feel is totally understandable. I was in a VERY similar situation. The best way to assess your situation is to ask yourself if you or the children are in any danger by seeing her. Do you think she would emotionally hurt your children? You can remove yourself from the situation if you believe it is safe.

Try opening up the line of communication with her and give her the opportunity to see if her apology is sincere (this is just to help your personal relationship with her). But (again if safe only) don't let your children miss out on their relationship with their grandmother. Best wishes!

Answer 4

talk to your oldest children see if they want to even see her, I dont think its right to keep your children away from there grandparants... However if she is a bad influence on your children, maybe you can arrange a meeting at some family resturant, chucky cheese or somthing and lay the ground work that in order for this meeting to happen you will not talk about anything negitive in front of the children or the play date will be canceled.

Answer 5

Listen to me carefully...I have been in the same situtiation the only difference is my mother caught HIV from her drug abuse....You need to let her see the kids because you never know when she won't be here any more....My mother passed away May 2005....the weekend before she died I picked her up for Mothers Day weekend and let her spend the night...................she pissed me offf so bad when she wanted to leave with a friend to get high and she hasn't seen me or my son for over 3 years...not to mention I was pregnant with her grandaughter....I've had with her that weekend and I decided to cut her out that I coulndn't take her critizism any more when she has th problems and couldn't do with out it for one weekend...well I cut her off after that weekend and decided enough was enough...my son is 6 years old he wouldn't of understood why he would od not seen his grandmom to often but the next weekend after that out of no where she died from her illness and my son was devestated and me well.....I was upset but not as bad as him...they don't really know the facts they think and we think they do know but its our reaction that they are copying off of..you know...like if mommy is mad at grandmom and so am i .......it's us not them they really at this point don't understand whats happening...let her see the kids...

Answer 6

I think it would be better if you call her up and see how she is doinf and talk to her about her life and your life, see if she is still the same. You can also arrange some phone conversation between your kids and their grandmother. If your mother is really sorry and want to make up with you then you would know it through her words. Ask your kids if they want to meet her after a few conversation with her. If she is still the same then dont allow her to see your kids. You can go and see her, after all she is your mother.

Answer 7

It would be a great lesson to teach your kids, about giving others another chance.

BUT you have every right in the world to demand she she's sober the entire visit, and she has an obligation to talk to you honestly HERSELF first - to apologize for the letter, to be honest about her situation, to ask to visit, all that. She needs to deal with it all, or no deal.

Bless you for your strength! I hope it works out well for you.

Answer 8

I had to cut my mother off too; I know what you are going through. I did not want her around my kids. Trust your instincts, and don't let anyone manipulate you.

Answer 9

get her phone # and call her firstif she sounds like a druggy do not give her a chance or meet her some where just the two of u then u make the call.

Answer 10

Bad idea! She may be your mother, but she's chosen a lifestyle that is not healthy for your children. If you don't want to be around her, why should you allow her around your children?

I would not allow her to see them. It's not mean, it's protecting your children which is what you are supposed to do.