Was I really harsh or crude?

Question

I just got a rejection message from a man whom I sent a message to on an online dating service. I knew i didn't meet his height, income, and college requirements but everything else seems to be ok and after all I am always being told not to judge people on those things so I would think a man should do the same. I got a no thanks reply, we are not compatible although we had alot in common as far as values and being divorced parents and all. I left him a thank you response and mentioned that I guess I didn't meet his height, income, college requirements and that I thought he was being shallow. He sent me a message back saying I was crude and rude and he had made the right decision in not being interested in me. what was so rude about it? I just think he is being shallow.

In addition this guy has really crooked teeth but I decided to give him a try.

Answer 1

You were not wrong.

Sorry you had an encounter with someone like that. Unfortunately, the people we think we might click with (in person or otherwise) don't always click with us, or even consider us in their league as a possibility. Too many people set standards for themselves and totally disregard those who might be perfect for them if they didn't have such a high opinion of themselves. Or else they are just narrow minded.

Either way, your response was great. You said thank you, even though you did not have to respond after he said what he did. And you voiced an opinion which was not crude or rude. It was an honest opinion (and assessment) of the type of person he had shown himself to be.

I once had requirements, and everyone that met those requirements took advantage of me. Usually regarding money. I learned my lesson (took awhile), and dropped my requirements. I have been happily married for nearly 25 years.

By the way, he was the first person I met after I dropped my silly requirements and realized the right guy for me was my requirement.

I know, too simple a statement, but let's face it, who wants someone who fits your list and is totally wrong for you?

Stay encouraged, and keep your eys open. The right person for you is the guy who meets you, gets to know you, and thinks, I have found the one for me. (You will of course, think the same.)

Not because you were the one that fulfilled everything on his list; BUT...because you were The One.

Hope this helps.

Answer 2

He turned you down nicely enough by saying simply that the two of you weren't compatible, which is a neutral statement. Instead of asking him to explain, or to tell you what about you specifically he didn't like, you attacked him as "shallow". So he replied to you with an attack.

So yes, I think you were rude, because you attacked him with a personal criticism.

I can tell you're frustrated and depressed with online dating, and I agree that people online are much quicker to judge other people than they would do if they met each other in person, but that's just the way it is. You can't let the rejections get you down or make you bitter.

Answer 3

One nice feature about internet dating is that you can screen your repsonses according to criteria that you set. He was looking for people in a certain range, and unfortunately you didn't fall into three categories. Is he being shallow? That's a matter of opinion, but it's the internet, and it's his right to be shallow if he wants to be. Shallow requirements probably come from shallow people. If you don't like the ad, don't respond.

Answer 4

he probably wasn't ebing shallow as much as he is just trying to filter out people who he thinks wouldn't be a good match. i think shallow might have been the wrong term to use, and that why he got offended. you call it a thank you reponse, but then call him shallow in it? I think it was more like a "f@#$ you" response. You have to remember in the overwhelming world of online dating that there are hundreds of potential candidates, and that everyone has to set a set of rules or filters in their own mind for who they want, or don't want. True he may have overlooked a great candidate, however, he did not insult you by saying no thanks, and you insulted him by calling him shallow. I think he was justified in getting offended, although he may have been quick to judge you in the first place. This did not give you the right to call him shallow in his decision making process.

Answer 5

Well I guess, calling him shallow is a bit harsh if his initial 'no thanks' was polite enough, at that point you couldn't be sure he was actually being shallow, if he'd replied and said i'm not interested because you're too short, then i could understand you accusing him of being shallow. However, it did seem he then over reacted completely in the
end, so even if he isn't shallow he sounds pretty over sensitive and insecure.

Answer 6

I think you were just being honest...and well, some people mistaken that for rudeness/crudeness. You were fine. However...people are entitled to their feelings/beliefs, so perhaps the next time (if someone were to be specific regarding height, education, income) skip over them. If you don't like shalllowness...then you don't need to be with anyone who is shallow. :o) Good look!

Answer 7

To insult someone you don't really know is pretty rude, especially if you weren't completely sure why he rejected you. After all, shallow or not, if he wasn't interested there wasn't much you could do to make him interested. And if he was being shallow...Hey, you wouldn't want him anyway. Why not just let it go?

Answer 8

Nothing was rude or crude about that!? He just wanted to get the last word in. Some people are just like that. Don't worry about it! There a trillon fish in the internet dating pool. Yours is out there. As for men not guys! We don't care how much you make or how much schooling you have. He is just a stupid fool!

Answer 9

hey dont worry about it. if hes going to get that offensive about being called shallow then he wasnt the guy for you anyway. he probably just had mens pms or is a pure jerk. either way dont worry about it. you werent being crude or rude. he was being an a hole.

Answer 10

Since I don't know the exact contents of your message to him I can't tell you if he reacted the way I would have, but those dating sites do have questions about your life and personality for a reason. If height and college, etcetera didn't matter to him, he wouldn't have put them on his list of stuff he cared about.