I am stuck in an abusive relationship.?

Question

I need to leave my partner but he grinds me down into staying with him. I have experienced many happy times with him, but it is now unbearable. I have only just realised now how much he has changed me and how coercive he has been to me. He has always turned everything around into being my fault, binge drinking and him being aggresive towards me, so on. I did not even realise at the time as I so wanted it to work as I loved him and would be lonely without him as he seperated me from my previous strong social network. Anybody else been in this situation that can give me advice. I feel lost

Answer 1

My 2nd husband was very abusive to me. And of course, there are good and special times.
Abuse is awful, and when you love the person that is abusing you, and you believe they love you, it is hard to get out. People that have never been in this situation DO NOT understand, they can say all day long..Just Leave..Just Go...But its not that easy.
I will tell you this much, I left him 13 years ago, and my life has changed dramatically, Ive never been happier in my entire life, and I have never LIKED myself so much. Im truly truly happy with myself and my life. I have been remarried for 9 years, to an outstanding and wonderful man.
It takes a lot to leave an abusive relationship, the abuse drags us so far down, that it can destroy our spirit and our esteem. It took me awhile to leave, but once I was ready, I did it. I never looked back.
When you are at this point of writing on here and asking for advice, and saying you realize how much he has changed you, I think your ready.
Just take a long look at yourself and your life...This is not what you want or how you want to live.
Find somewhere safe to go, somewhere to feel secure, and get your life back together.
Dont be afraid once you leave, dont let him threaten you, or make you feel like you have to go back.
He does not own you.
Start your life anew, you will be surprised how you feel, when you start feeling like YOU again...
And the hard part is, we love these people, we fall in love with them, usually before the abuse even starts, and we dont understand, why they do this..and it hurts, and its OK, to still say you love him, or think you do, this will go away in time also, just dont go back to him.
But a man that abuses, usually will never ever stop..and it only gets worse, and its not even really about you, he will do this with whomever he is with.
I wish you the very best....just look at your life, and the life you want back..find yourself again, regain your social standing, reclaim your spirit and your soul, that he has destroyed...
I promise you will never ever regret it...

Answer 2

The answer seems rather clear. If you love and respect yourself, you will get rid of the things in your life that are putting your self love and self respect in jeopardy. And the very very last thing that should be causing you pain is your partner. You know what love is, and how he is treating you is obviously not in a loving way...at all. Reread what you typed...or pretend it was coming from somebody else...perhaps by looking at it from an outsider's perspective, you'll see that there is absolutely no justification for you to stay, and that he treats you unfairly. It's funny...so many people stay in bad relationships because of the good times. That's too bad, because you can't live in the past or hold on to a part of a person that wasn't their genuine self to begin with. You need to leave him....the problem is he's needy and you're needy. But it's better to be alone than with someone like that...I think you've known this all along...you just don't want to be alone....It's like if I bought a dog that grew to bite and chase me all the time. I'd have to give it away becuase it was hurting me...I wouldn't keep it just because it was nice when it was a puppy or so I wouldn't be alone.

Answer 3

Simply put, you need to gather up the courage to leave him.

Get the few friends you have left to be with you when you tell him how things are going in the relationship. This'll reduce friction because you have backup. Yes, you could feed off of the happy moments for a while, but the truth of the matter is he's abusive and it's about the here and now. With him relieving you of your strong social network, he's basically solidified the fact that he wants no one to know what he's been doing to you mentally and emotionally. Sooner or later, it'll become physical, if it didn't happen yet. Coupled with binge drinking, and you got a powder keg with a short fuse ready to explode. Do you REALLY want to stay in that type of relationship? I hope not for your sake, or the children's if you have any.

Get away from him, before it's too late for the both of you. I hate to see bad things happen to good people.

Answer 4

I was in a similar situation.

Set up arragements as to a new place to stay first.

You must move out if you live with him, but don't do it when he is around- preferably do it without his knowledge.

Have someone there with you, just in case. You do not want to be alone in case he shows up. And this will keep you from being weak and changing your mind or having him talk you into staying.

After that the hardest part happens.

You will most likely be receiving the best apologies ever. He will make promises about changes he'll make and counselling he'll go to and tell you how wrong he has been and he'll grovel and try to make you feel guilty/ sorry for him in the most sweet way.

This is typical abuser behavior. Don't fall for it. This is reason number 1 why women return to their abusers. Abusers are MASTERS of this technique.

And yes, what you described is emotional abuse on the brink of phyical abuse. These are classic signs so no, I am not over-doing it here.

Think with your head, not your heart right now. Show yourself how strong you are and remind yourself that you are worth far more than this dweeb. There are real MEN (as opposed to males) out there who would treat you properly.

Go find one. Best of luck.

Answer 5

OMG hun.............leave him! U have made the 1st step toward doing what is right for u..........by reaching out. keep up the good work. Believe me, I've been there & there is no man worth losing so much of yourself!!! Love shouldn't hurt as much as ur hurt. Ask yourself......"Can u continue like this the rest of ur life?" "You really do know that his behvioural & drinking problems r not ur problem's right, nor r they ur fault, right?" YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM!!! But how long have u been trying to...... unsuccessfully? He need's help & u need to regain ur strength. Even if u love him, U CAN DO THIS!!! Then, in the future, u can look at this as a learning experience, so u don't repeat the same mistake again; but u probably will, we all usually do! But it will give u the tools that u didn't have b4! I can go on & on about this. I don't know where ur from but I'm sure there r a lot of programs u can reach out to for advice. Look up in ur yellow pages or call up a local women's shelter which will offer advice to u. Please do what is best for u & leave before he totally wear's u down!
The best of luck! zeta!.P.S.......I was reading some other answer's u have here & the person up top, "EYES" also gives very good advice.....please consider & act on it! I don't care about damn point's here, if u ever need someone to talk to, send message to: [e-mail] & put, "from Yahoo Answer's" in tool bar!

Answer 6

Many, many people have been where you are. You are not alone. I too once dated a man whose anger issues were out of control.

I think the most important thing you can do is seek local help. Call your local hospital and ask them where you can see help nearby for an abusive relationship. I think you need professional help and here is why:

When someone is abusive like your partner -- and that controlling -- when you attempt to break-up, they often snap, get more abusive and can do serious harm to you or people you know.

You need to take the right steps to ensure you are doing all you can to prevent this. There are volunteers out there who specialize in these types of relationships and they will guide you on what steps to take to ensure your safety.

You need an exist strategy. You need a plan. This time, you are going to take control - and play him to your benefit -- so the ending works out best for everyone! (Not just him).

Answer 7

You need to redevelop that social network you feel you have lost. You will need it when you start to miss him and want to call or meet with him. You have to be very strong willed and determined to leave this type of relationship. Please remember that the sooner you do it the faster you can move on and reclaim your life. It's not you fault or your problem that he can't get his life together. That's something he will have to work on by himself. And don't expect him to change anytime soon because he doesn't feel he has a problem. Good luck and I think you can do it!

Answer 8

You know what, I have been in an abusive relationship and it really sucks. I dated this boy for two years and in the beginning it was absolutely AMAZING! But it went down hill in the last 6 months because he started abusing me...not only mentally but phsyically. He pushed me around, he kept me from my friends, he hit me, and down-graded me MANY times. And I thought wow I can't live without him because after all the abuse in the end of the day he was like i'm sorry baby I love you...and so I thought oh my god this boy LOVES ME! So I found myself dealing with it for 6 months then finally it hit me...I couldn't live like this, I couldn't live with an abusive boyfriend nor an abusive husband...what would he do to me and my children? Would he ever push me so far that I might literally die? All these questions came to my mind, and it killed me but I called him up and told him that I can't be in this kind of relationship and the way he treats me so I broke up with him. It took me a year to get over him, every day I felt sick, but then day-by-day it got a little better, and now i'm with someone that would never down-grade me OR lay his hands on me.
JUST REMEMBER, there is a better guy out there that is waiting for you...

Answer 9

I was in the same situation as you a few years ago. He tried to blame everything on me, But one day I said to my self: "I don't deserve to go through this". I couldn't deal with it anymore. Until one night he came home drunk and threw me against the wall. He went in our room where my 11 month old baby was sleeping. He picked her up as if he wanted to hurt her. He dropped her on my bed. Somehow GOD gave me the strength to pick her up and run out of the room I went to my two other kids room and called the police. That's when I decided it was the end of the relationship. Get out of it now before it gets any worse. You deserve better!!!!
Men like that are not worth a penny.

Answer 10

Get out of the relationship because the more you put up with it the more he will do it take it from somebody who has already been there once her knows that you wont leave cause your scared he will keep doing it .Go to your friends house or even your parents house they can help or tell the police .