Do you think I have a good reason to see this as unfair?

Question

I graduated from college this past May. All of my college tuition was paid with loans, which I am now paying back. I am about $20,000 in debt. It took me 5 years and I just got a Bachelor's degree.

My sister goes to UCLA and was going to go to medical school when she got her Bachelor's but decided not to. She has no debt as far as loans go. She is in her last year there.

I was just downstairs and saw my mom's credit card bill and I noticed an almost $3,000 charge and I found out it was for my sister's fall tuition.

Does anyone see this as unfair? How I am $20,000 in debt while my mom is paying my sister's college tuition? Doesn't this seem like my mom is favoring her over me?

And before I get any smart remarks about living at home, I am living at home for 1 year while my husband is deployed.

I have to add that I don't think it is fair. I just want to know other people's opinions. We aren't talking about chump change here. We are talking about $20,000!!!

I got married after I graduated.

My Mom has plenty of money and surprisingly my sister was the problem child. My sister also has two jobs and my mom also pays her rent. My mom could have afforded to pay all my tuition, but got loans instead. I don't understand what makes our situations different. This is so aggravating!!! My husband tells me just to forget about it and pay for it ourselves, which I should probably do.

Answer 1

Have you asked your Mom why she paid for your sisters, and not for you? Maybe she could only afford to pay for one and since you are married, thought your husband would help you with yours..No, it does not sound very fair, but your mom must have had her reasons. Ask her and find out what they are---

Answer 2

Its possible that since you are married, she may feel you aren't her fiscal responsibility. Legally shes right. She may not be able to afford two tuitions and had already promised it to your sister.
Or was she always the better student, and you a problem child? She may have felt she put her money on the best suited one.
If this is just one symptom of many across the years that your mother is favoring your sister, then it may be true, but that doesn't mean much beside the fact that you did it on your own and you don't owe her anything. And, speaking from experience, I'd rather have owed a bank than my mother.
Read your addition and so, yes I think its unfair however my statement about owing a bank instead of my mother still stands. It may be the "bird with a broken wing' thing some moms have. They feel they must take care of the poor damaged one instead of the reasonably healthy one. My mom not only wouldn't let me go to college, she then paid for my sister to go to the college I won a scholarship for. This was a very long time ago when parents had much more say than they do now, and it always rankled, my sister by the way ended up a drug addict and I married and had two kids and I'm now a grandma and quite happy, so maybe not being the one my mom felt she had to take care of was for the best.

Answer 3

Sometimes life is not fair, and there are times when parents can make a mistake or too. The way to look at your situation is at least you paid your own way and that in its self is a great accomplishment. Your sister is getting help and really does not want the profession she is choosing, I think mom needs to be aware of this also, but it will do you no good to compare apples. It could be also that your mom may feel regret at not being able to help you and so there for she does not want to make the same mistake twice. Or circumstances could be different now from then. Its not a matter of favoring one child over the other sometimes parents are learning too. Some day you will find this out. I pray that your loved one that has been deployed will arrive safely home to your arms soon.

Answer 4

Put on your Big Girl panties and deal with it....

That is just how it is and stop crying like a spoiiled 5 year old. Did you ask your mother for help when you were going to school? DId you need help when you were going to school? Do you need help now? Do you know what the agreement is between you mom and your sister? My guess is the asnwer to all of those questions are No. My other guess is that if you asked your mother to help you pay off your loans now, she would probably agree.

Honey you are a married woman now and no longer your parent's responsibility, therefore the bills that you accumulated while attending college are your responsibility.

If you aren't going to talk to your mother like a rational adult, then you have no right to cry the blues that mommy doesn't love me as much as Little Susie.

Answer 5

Good parents try to treat their children equally but sometimes it doesn't always appear to be so.

My brother and I are both adults (I'm forty, he's thirty-eight). I haven't asked my mom for money since I was in my twenties but my brother has been in trouble with the law, homeless and in debt over the past fifteen plus years. My mom is constantly bailing him out, figuratively and literally (he's been in jail a couple times!) If I were to sit down and tabulate how much money she's spent on us, my brother would be the big winner.

But - I feel my mom respects and trusts me far more than she does my brother - and you can't put a price on that.

Your mother may have her reasons for why she's paid for your sister's tuition but not yours. Maybe your sister asked for help while you insisted on being independent? Did you ever ask for assistance?

You could discuss this with your mother but don't do so if you sound accusatory - she'll definitely be put on the defensive. And don't mention that you saw her checkbook. And hopefully your relationship with your mom isn't solely based on money, right? Best wishes.

Answer 6

Regardless of marital status, job stability, education level, gender, etc, every parent has the right to treat their children equally. Parents have the responsibility to help and nuture their children to their best.

Even if parents cannot afford to provide what the children want, some words of concern, encouragement, explanation(if any) are the least what a parent should provide.

I'm saying UNFAIR treatment.

Having said that, you have to ask yourself what personality your mom and sister have. Maybe you would have figure it out.

I would let go if your sister decides to take more responsibility in terms of family $$ contribution and expenses of parents after

1. she starts working despite salary difference btw you two.
&
2. You have already had moved back to your own lovenest, with your hubby.

Answer 7

I can honestly put myself in your shoes and know how it could affect you, feeling less loved or less helped from your mother, as opposed to your sister. You're mother must feel/think in her mind that you are the stronger, more stable one of the two. And honestly, your mother shouldn't be paying for neither one of yours colleges if she is going to choose one over the other. But the good thing about it is, this is making you stronger, and more reliable in your self worth in society, and inner self. It is unfortunate that your sister is taking your mother's money, and doesnt feel bad about doing so. Is your sister married? I'm guessing no... I think you should write your mother a letter , just to tell her how you feel, if it is really bothering you that much. Just let it out on paper, and that will help a lot. Civilized. :)

Good luck!

Answer 8

Congratulations on attaining your degree. I guess it would be unfair unless you look at it like this, while you were and are responsible regarding your education, your mom is still taking care of her. You, my friend, are the winner in the long run because you can honestly say that you earned your degree all by yourself. No help from anyone. Except for the fact that you live with her I guess. But, all in all, you have much to be proud of yourself for...I love it when someone completes their education, even if I don't know you, because education is so vital to your future and your self esteem. Good luck in all you do and I will be thinking of you and of your husband who is deployed.

Answer 9

Yes, it does seem a bit unfair, however why spend all your positive energy being upset about that? After all, that IS your family! It seems to me you are quite the resourceful one and should really be proud of the fact you did it on your own and without a burden to any else's budget. She could have chosen to make ends meet for her own tuition, but let Mommy spend the cash instead. Yours is the better decision.

Answer 10

Seems unfair to me. If you're trying to go to school and survive on a military income, you may deserve the help more than your sister does. It probably was not wise to look at your Mom's credit card bill, though. Have you asked your mother about it? Tell her how you view it and give her an opportunity to respond to your feelings.