How can I control my 23-year-old daughter?

Question

I'm a widow, live with her at her apartment. A wonderful girl, has a job and takes a postgraduation course in Chemistry. I try to contibute, help and give all my love. But I can't stop being a mom, maybe I shouldn't, but moms are moms. So I agree I try to interfere in her life and control her a bit. She's wonderful, but at 23 still inexperienced and sometimes drives me crazy, coming home late, working too much, going to parties and getting little sleep. Of course since she's an adult I have no formal authority, but still have some psychological one So, some days ago she wanted to go to a party after, I said Oh no hun, you need some sleep or you'll get sleep. She ended up obeying. This was great, but her extremely dynamic life makes me worried, I need a bit more control, I wish I could ground her sometimes, with all my love of course. This is a dangerous age, she's an adult, has a job, makes money, is wonderful but still a bit immature. I dont know if she'll obney if I ground her

Answer 1

At 23 I married my husband. I've been married for 17 years.

Your daughter is an adult but enjoying life. Let her enjoy it and let her learn her own lessons while she still has you for a safety net (living with her.) It's hard enough to be an adult, especially as you get older and the hard realities hit. Learn to bite your tongue more, think before you speak. My mother always had something to say, right up to the point when I had my daughter when I was 30 and several years after that she continued to chide me for doing this or not doing that and I finally said, "Mom, do you think I'm a bad parent? Aren't I doing an okay job with my daughter? She's healthy and happy, right? Then please stop telling me what to do unless I ASK you."

Be there for her if she needs you, if she wants to ASK for your advice. But please, let her go, for both your sakes. Best wishes.

Answer 2

Oh Vera. Let me put this in acting terms for you. You as a parent are the director of the show that is your daughter's life. You got your say during rehearsals, when she's 0-18. You give notes after those rehearsals to tell her what she got right, and what she needs to improve upon before opening night. From 18 on - that's the run of performances and where's the director? Enjoying the show and hoping all those notes made it into the actor's psyche.

What I'm saying is that you've done your part, you apparently raised her well - you say several times how great she is - now leave her alone and let her run the show - the director is not on stage. You are obviously living with her now, let her run her household and her life as she sees fit. As you said, she's an adult, treat her as such, and be happy you've got a daughter kind enough to let you intrude on her young adult life at all. Don't make her regret her decision to be your roommate. Treat her as a friend and not a subordinate.

Answer 3

Your job as a Mother is to raise your children in a way that they will be able to fly on their own one day. I agree that a Mom can always give advise and guidance but I think you are overstepping your bounds here. You can't ground an adult of 23 who lives and works on her own.She is young and energetic and alive...let her enjoy her youth while she has the energy to do so. You taught her right from wrong and you said she's a hard working, loving individual. Be proud of her and have some faith in her judgements. I'm sure you did a great job raising her so now you should sit back and enjoy watching her make a life for herself.

Answer 4

Theres no way that you can control her she's an adult and you live with her. But you can try to talk to her about your worries. Explane to her that she should cut back and get a little rest at least. Not party so much not that there is anything wrong with it but not all the time and that working to much can stress her out to the point of breaking. Just try to talk to her see if you can come up with an idea like she paritys on the weekends only or something like that *shurgs*

Answer 5

I have a 18 year old son and he works and goes to college at night.What u are doing is a big mistake.You have to remember that people make mistakes and they can learn by them.If you don't let her live her own life and make her own mistakes then when u are gone she will do all the things u told her not to do. For god sake she is 23.If you don't trust her to make her own decisions then she won't trust herself. You are going to end up making her wish she didn't live with u and end up despises you.I know u don't want to hear all this but u really need to reconsider what u are doing.Good luck

Answer 6

You have to let her be herself...you have raised her and she knows her limits the problem is you are being over protective and that can eventually put a wedge between you two .....just trust her to be a good woman ,she'll be fine she is just being young and full of energy ....you have a good girl think of some young women these days lots are really out of control she is not..pull back a bit let her breath

Answer 7

Your daughter is apparently doing very well for herself. You should talk with her as an adult not treat her as a child! If you want her to act a bit more responsible when it comes to the amount of sleep she gets, then talk with her. She's only going to listen to you if she's come this far and acted like an adult.

You're living with her and you should respect her for she has done in her life so far.

Answer 8

Sorry, but you can't ground a 23 year old -- that's just silly. If you don't like the way she's coming home late and partying, you will need to tell her it's time she got her own apartment.

Answer 9

Ok, I understand that you're her mother and that you care - but she's an ADULT!! Let her have fun!!! Let her live her life!!! Tell her to be safe and explain dangers in life, but don't ground her! And did you say that you're staying at HER apartment.....do not play around with your authority here. Talk to her like a normal human adult.

Answer 10

Lady, you can't "control" her. She is 23 not 3! She is an adult and she needs to make her own decisions and make her own mistakes. I am not trying to be hurtful, but if you don't let her grow-up on her own she will have major problems down the road.