What is a normal amount of time for a 20-something to visit her widowed mother?

Question

My mother expects me to visit her and take care of chores twice per week. I think this is excessive, but I don't know how to tell her so. I offered to come over this often after my father died, but it's been a few years and my professional and personal life is suffering. I have explained this but she seems to brush it off, saying that I don't visit enough! I am under 30 and trying to get my demanding career off the ground. When I try and explain, she says she visited her own mother every day! What do you say to that?

Answer 1

The normal amount of time to visit for any age adult child is less than 60 seconds a year to hours daily.

It depends on the parent /child in question.

It is time for your mother to face facts, she visited her mother every day that she was able to with out losing her own life was great. The world is a very different place than it was when your mother was younger. She needs to know this, I can understand how you would not want to hurt a parent, and how hard it is when you know they have lost someone so dear to them as your mom did when your father died.

If your mother can't care for herself and do her chores, see if she can hire someone to come in and do them and tell her so, if she can't afford that then make out some kind of schedule when life gets busy even once a week can be difficult.

Another thing if she is capable of doing her own chores, she needs to know she is a grown woman, you have no intention of neglecting her, but if she gave birth to you just so you could be a companion and nurse and housekeeper, then why did she encourage you to grow up, and think for yourself?

She was likely lost when your father died, and then got in the habit of letting you fill the empty space for her. And wanting you to fill it even more. There is no such thing as old. Heck my in laws have a better and busier social life than I do. LOL she needs to cultivate that, rely on her friendships, etc what did she do with her life prior to her getting in the habit of having you come to her?

Often it is not that parents want to take away their children's lives they just need to know they are still loved valued and important to their children.

Get her to meet you somewhere for lunch out, don't pick her up, have her meet you, talk, chat, go on about what is going on in your life, ask her about her life, her friends, interests. Make this a lunch out with a friend, rather than with a parent.

As for what do you say when she says she saw her own mother daily, ask her, if the world stood still or changed since then. Ask her how close did her mother live to her? Ask her how she managed to find the time to get everything done she needed to do.

Let me ask you this, do you remember going to see your grandmother daily growing up? If your grandmother was gone by time you came along I am sorry but if she wasn't, and you don't remember those daily visist ask your mom why you don't remember going daily, and again ask how she managed to live two lives at once.

If such things are asked, with love and kindness and diplomecy sometimes they can help make people see yet sometimes a figurative hammer over the head is needed be blunt.
Let her know you care and value the times you spend with her, and you don't want your memories of her to be of a woman who complains, and drives you away with demands, but rather of the woman whom you know you can trust and count on, the person you can talk to just for fun or over something serious, to help you think out the issues in your life, the woman who tucked you in.

This could help to remind her she is the parent, she loves you but is smothering you and maybe even driving you away.

I know of one couple who become so demanding of their only child that their daughter her husband and two grand children left the state to get away from them.

Sounds like you care about her, but she is holding on to tightly. Hope things work out for you both.

If you know of her interests, get her involved in things other than you. LOL get her hooked on the internet and chat sites.

She may even find one where all mothers can go and moan about how their children don't visit enough.

Answer 2

I have daughters who visit everyday, once a week, once a year, and once every few years. I have no problem with any of them and I saw my mother every day of her life. You need to give her a calender for the month and tell her this is when you are going to come over and to have her list made up for chores and that can be 2x a month and tell her you have set aside a time on that calender that she or you can call each other between certain hours each week because you" may lose the great job" I am sure she brags about to others. Put other people on the calender that she likes to talk too and programs on TV that she said she wants to see that you heard her talk about and what about her friends and social life she needs one without you involved in it. Take all the suggestions and find one that works because even though your father may be gone it is nothing like when your mama is gone, there will be many times you will wish you could just argue with her again, I know.

Answer 3

If you are a busy person, then you need to try and at least visit your mom maybe once every two weeks. Let her know that you have your own life to live as well. You may consider on getting someone over to her house to do those chores, like hire someone to help her. She needs to know that you can't always be there. When talking to her in person, just be polite and kind.

Or, you can call her once in awhile to see how she is doing. Talk to her for a few minutes. She is still having trouble coping with her loss, she just doesn't want to be alone, she needs friends as well.

Just do what you can, but with respect. She is still your mother. Remember, an act of kindness takes you a long way! (smile)

Answer 4

I say--Mothers don't last forever and you should cherish the time you have with her.
I say that because I have 20-something year old kids. A couple of which I do see on a daily bases. A third, not so often. She to is busy with her life--job--friends. She does call me several times a week and never ends a call without telling me how much she loves me.
I also say that--because I lost my own Mother a year ago. very suddenly. We were not on real good terms when she died, and I miss the time we could have spent together.
Maybe when you can't go to see her, you could call and let her know she is an important part of your busy life.
I wish I had!!!---I guess my kids are better kids than I was--
Take care and good luck..

Answer 5

There is no normal time, it depends on the relationship between the two of you. Be carefull you don't become a workaholic. Twice a week sounds reasonable if you live close to her. She will never accept a reason why you can't visit more, she is lonely and wants to see you. Just do what is reasonable to you. You could try arranging for other people to visit her. Best wishes.

Answer 6

Hey, Im a 20year old and i don't have a widow mother but i am some what astrangered to my father.

My advice to you would be to lay down the ground rules, yeah she is your mum, and yes you have a level of responsiblity to her, as hey she did bring you in to this world! BUt you are also in the eliment of your life. You are young and we must admit your 20's i believe are the mos important years of your life, you party, you travell, you make money you blow money, you meet someone, you break there heart they break yours, you move up in your career if you can decide on one and you enjoy your time away from the parents.

One thing you need to tell your mum is that you are not her, explain to her that you have plans and obligations to your self, you are in your twentys, you shouldn't be doing chores for your mother. Perhaps if you agree with your mum that once a week you will come and hang out with her, weather it be lunch or a movie. You have to seperate your self from her a little.

Mothers hate to see there children (babies) grow up and become adults. Hey im 20, been married for a year and gave birth to my daughter 10 weeks ago and my mum still wants me at home! but she knows the bounders, set them with your mum, sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love in order for them to get the point, just remember to always tell her that you love her, and show her from time to time that you still care!

Jamie Z

Answer 7

Tell her she can come to your house and fold clothes or something since she likes visits and chores so much.
Tell her you think your Grandma didn't seem so needy that she couldn't pare her mother daughter visits back to one per week. Then only visit when it works for both of you.

Answer 8

Twice a week does not seem unreasonable *if* that is a couple of hours each time. If the thought is that you would be spending many hours each time then that *might* be excessive.

It sounds like your mother needs a hobby, more friends, a boyfriend, etc. to build a life around.

Answer 9

I would probably visit once or twice a week and call twice a week on other days. However if you have concerns about her you can check on her by phone once a day. I know a case where an elderly lady fell and was not found for 3 days.

Answer 10

I say it depends on how close you and your mother are. Some people would want to spend more time with their mother and wouldn't have a problem and others feel like other things are more important than their mom.
Either way, there is no set amount of time.