Problem: BF && I close; mom angry; threatening my college?

Question

My boyfriend and I have gone out for about four months. His family loves me, and my parents like him. Back in sixth grade, his mother called my mother at 10 at night and yelled at my mother over an incident my BF & I had at a dance. My mother was shocked, and offended.

After six years, we met up and began dating in Oct. My mother has always liked him as a person, but now she is constantly asking when I'll break up with him, why I still stay with him, etc. She especially hates the fact that we are Christian and he is Muslim.

Today she told me if I didn't break up with him soon, she wouldn't pay for my top choice -- an out-of-state university -- and would instead send me to a community college here. I told him that we'd fake a breakup after V-Day, since she doesn't mind us hanging out, she simply doesn't want us dating. He's very upset about this, but I don't know what else to do. I think my mother is still upset about the phone call. What's the best way to get through this?

Answer 1

Lying is never the answer.

Now, I don't think that your mother is behaving fairly - but her words show you how strongly she feels about your situation. Wouldn't it be better to approach her from the angle of who you date shouldn't really dictate the quality of education you get?

Does this boy live in your town or in the town you are planning to attend college in? If he lives in your home town, it makes a lot more sense for your mother to send you out of town for school - hoping in that way that you might meet someone else or diminish your feelings for your current boyfriend.

Ultimately, at your age, you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that YOU are the one in charge of your life and you can either let other's manipulate you with their financial support or you can be self sufficient.

I have a step sister who wanted a big wedding. Her mother would pay for the wedding, but only if she did not invite her natural father. Bad enough - except for the fact that she married the son of her natural father's best friend. Naturally my father was angry and hurt that the money meant more to the daughter than her father's pride and loving support at the wedding. Of course, no marriage that starts on such an ugly note can last and they were divorced in 2 or 3 years.

Consider how your young man will feel when you decide that your mother's money is more important to you than his love. Consider the life you are agreeing to when you let your parent manipulate you this way and where it will end.

If it were me, I would say No Way. I will do as I please and if that means you will not help me get the best education possible, that is up to you. I know many people who worked for a year or 2 and then returned to school with grants and returning adult credits - or you could do the community college thing for your basic stuff (just be sure to call the college of your choice and get a clear idea of what sort of credits will count if you want to transfer in 2 years).

I will also say that my husband is catholic and I am pagan and his mother was very upset about us getting together. Many in his family felt it would not work and they were all wrong. We have been together now for 9 years, have 2 lovely children and each still practise our own faith. We created our own marriage and baby ceremonies to suit us and we are very happy to be so in control of our own lives. Best of luck to you all!

Peace!

Answer 2

No way to get through this without doing what your mother tells you. Either break up with him and have a bright future, or keep him, and go to community college. She is right in keeping you and your christian background away from him and his muslim background. The two are like oil and water. Unless the two of you break away from your religions entirely, there will be a lot of horrible events, you don't want. Same religious background is a huge thing when finding a mate. If you were to get married, what church would you go to, what kind of ceremony? What to name the kids... etc... how to raise them...

My mother told me once when I was about 17... "The purpose of dating is to get to know what you want and what you don't want in a husband. If there is something about this person you don't want, then why keep them for any longer than necessary?"

Religious differences tops the list of reasons for divorces, along with infidelity and financial communication.

How much have you dated? Enough to know what you like and what you don't like? Probably not. Go to the big school of your choice. If you don't, regret may end up being your best friend.

So what about the phone call. Let that go, and learn how to be a strong woman. Experience is what makes us strong. Breaking things off with the guy for a solid future is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your family, as well as your future family.

Answer 3

It sucks that your Mom doesn't want you both together but you're going to have to make a choice. It is wrong of her to threaten with the loss of college funds, however it is her money and she can spend it how SHE sees fit. If you think your boyfriend is worth it and he's the one for you than forget what your mom thinks. You can get a student loan, scholarships, and a part time job to get through college. It can be a risk to depend on your parents when you reach adulthood. Despite their best intentions they can be terrible and manipulating when you don't follow their rules. I love my parents, but I've learned it's up to me to take care of myself because we aren't always going to agree. I don't think you should lie about the relationship because it will get found out eventually, but it's your choice.

Answer 4

I highly doubt she will sacrfice your education over a b/fi say stay with him no need to be shady. But if you wait until your enrolled to say hey were together again i would if that would piss her off more. I would confront her and tell her its not her business and she shouldn't sacrifice your education over something so stupid tell her if its not meant to be you'll break up eventually and if it is meant to be you'll be happy with him... which is important. It's your choice you should not be forced into something you don't want to do. You could also say how would yuou like it if grandma and grandpa gave you the ultimatum

Answer 5

Wouldn't it be funny if you tell your mom that it would be okay to send you to community college? That, in fact, sending you to community college would allow you to stay in town and continue dating your boyfriend, maybe even marry him? She will probably be so relieved that you go away that she won't mind if you continue dating. You should try it out and see if this works. Good luck!

Answer 6

Tell your mother that you thought it over and that you would be glad to go to the local university and that way you could see more of 'this guy'.
Thank her for her wise choice and tell her how it will be a win win for everyone.
She saves money and you and he can still see each other daily.
Bet she will send the check out tommorrow to 'out of state U'.

Answer 7

talk to your Mother about her reasons and why it has anything to do with your education, If she remains in her position on that, then if you want her to pay for you to go away , you have to play it her way, Break off with him until after you graduate.

or you and the bf find a way to pay your own way consider marrying and applying for married student aid

I hate controlling parents who use money as a weapon

Answer 8

Yeah, fake a break-up. Lying to your mother is a great way to prove to her that you are mature enough to make adult decisions.

Here's an idea - TALK TO HER and find out why she feels the way she does. Then DO WHAT SHE SAYS. She's your mother; she makes the rules. You don't like it? Find some other way to get the $40 grand it's going to cost to send you to the school you WANT to go to.

Answer 9

that's very sadden love....maybe u should negotiations with your mother tell her u feeling , or maybe your mother is correct, she always thinkikng& caring for your future.....couse she always love u more than u love your BF......

Answer 10

be an adult...if you're old enough for college, then you're old enough to live on your own...grow up and deal...