My man got laid off in Nov. He has been depressed ever since. I love him but the relationship is now loveless.

Question

I have know this guy for years. We decided to started dating and formed a really good relationship.We have been together for 10 months.

In Nov. he got laid off from him dream job due to downsizing and now he is depressed. So depressed that he doesn't eat or sleep properly. I try to be supportive as possible. but i am a single mom and don't have much to give . After a long day at the office, dealing with my five year old. I often need some TLC myself. he is so down and out he is running on empty.
he is the best guy I ever met. respectful, supportive, helpful, disciplined etc...
but he refuses to take just any job and is working on building up his own business and while it is slow he is doing quite well. (meanwhile the bills are piling up and he is facing eviction.)

How long do I stick around? I genuinley believe he cares for me as much as I do him but his depression and the lack of attention has me wanting to bail. How long do i stick around? I need love too!


Please advise

Answer 1

I've been in your husband's position myself. I was laid-off 5 times in 7 years in the IT industry. I was very bummed out too, but my partner was very supportive of me as well. I depended upon my partner to keep me happy and keep me driving towards the job that I wanted.

Whatever you do, don't just tell him to quit moping...that will make him worse. He doesn't need to be put down by being told he's moping or depressed. He'll lose alot of self-esteem that way. He needs someone to keep him up and happy right now.

After a while I recognized that I couldn't get the job I 'wanted' and had to settle for the job I could 'get' until the job I wanted came around. I was laid-off in the really bad economic years. Last month, I finally was re-hired by the employer that started the layoffs for me and I'm making more than I ever did before.

I left my former job making $77K per year and ended up taking a lower paying job at $47K per year, got a better job at $70K and got laid-off from that one to get another one at $53K. It was a roller coaster for me and our finances dwindled alot.

Trust me, all he wants right now is for you to be there for him and make him happy. Give him encouragement and guidance. Help him out by finding people who he can send a resume to. Don't leave any stone unturned. Remind him that it WILL happen for him, it's not "IF", it's WHEN.

P.S. Send him to the website: www.oddtodd.com It's a funny parody of the things that happen when you're laid-off. He helped me cope with the bad times alot with his humor.

Also, feel free to have him e-mail me for suggestions on how I worked the system for jobs.

Answer 2

You've only been together 10 months and already you're looking for the backdoor? You said you've known this man for years, and in your own words "he's the best guy I ever met". Is he not worth more than one downtime?

Read what you wrote here:
"he is the best guy I ever met. respectful, supportive, helpful, disciplined etc..."

I know he's feeling depressed and you have needs and the bills aren't going away, but these kind of things happens. What may affect him won't affect another in the same way, and for him his job is his lifeline.

So sorry, but I must say you are being selfish and flakey. I can't believe you would say after all of this "how long do I stick around" like he's some everyday schmuck.

You just said so yourself, that he has been pursuing his own business and it's doing quite well. At least he's trying! But then you put that down...You remind me of those people who act along the lines of why didn't I get a$1000 dollars after they were given $999 for doing nothing! Where is your support!?

How would you feel if you made a dream come true, then in one swoop your dream faded to dust? It's only been a couple of months, give him time to cope.

You know what the real problem is, though? You have taken a good man for granted. They don't come around often, and if you want to give that up then so be it. Another woman who is more appreciative will be glad to take your spot, but my advice to you is to learn when to quit and now isn't the time.


Here are some tips:

Give each other massages at the end of the day, go out of your way to cook and bring the romance back in, be a sympathetic ear, ask him about the solutions he has in mind to his problem and offer your own, leave little handwritten notes of encouragement in places where he comes in contact with, tell him you love him more than ever.

A woman or man who really matters are the one who are with you through hard times, anybody can stick around when the going is good.

Answer 3

Fact of the matter is the loss he suffered is like any other loss--grieve it and move on---you have written a nice storyline that is a classic---he is just living off your hard work--what an actor---display all the traits you mentioned and you will fall for it---hey you are still supporting him right?? What business?? He has no business---that's a dream---and a real man would find a job--any job--24 hours after losing what he had---better pack this guy up and tell him to move to a better area where the work is available---he says he can't find anything there.!! He's not depressed--he's smart--and you , my dear, are being taken----get going--get rid of him..you have a child to support--he is acting like a second child---you must have your head examined if you let him hang around another day.Get smart and see it for what it is---and no discussion--just say goodbye to him. He'll promise and promise---tell him to get out and call after he has that good job he wants. He is almost like a man who hits a woman---always promising to stop--but never does---he always promises to find work but never does---and that depressed act is working too good---grow up lady and get rid of him.

Answer 4

You should explain to him how serious this situation is for you. Sometimes depression can be so bad you can't focus in on what is and what is not important. Let him know that you love him but you need him to be there for you all the times. Not only when thing are going good but when they are going bad also. Let him know that sometimes you have to work harder when things are not going well. It's bad enough to lose a job but it's even worst to lose the job and lose yourself. Like you stated the bills still have to be paid so sometimes you have to work for a little of nothing until your change comes. Starting his own business is good but this is something that takes time. In the mean time help him to understand that your needs have to be met now. Let his know heart to heart about your true feeling. It's okay to feel like leaving but make sure you have gave this your all. You want to be able to tell yourself you did your very best to make things work. You want to be able to tell yourself I didn't leave when things got hard I left because I gave it all of me and it didn't work out. Try hanging in there a little while longer. I know you are tired but remember love is all that really matters. And time will soon change things. Good luck!

Answer 5

Hopefully, you fell in love with him because of his character, personality and looks - his income and employment status have nothing to do with that.

You should keep seeing this guy because he's the same man he was when he was making good money. He's going to do what he's going to do economically, and I'm sure he'll succeed at that - don't you want to be around when he's doing well? If so, you've got to stick with him during the bad times too!!!

Answer 6

Let him know that his selfishness is driving you apart. When my man is laid off during the winter (he is in construction) he goes through a period of depression. I give him a week or so then I tell him that I cannot support all of us, and that when it comes down to it, I HAVE to take care of my child first. If you are not having to pay his bills stick with him a bit longer. But know that if you do stick and his dream doesn't pan out, you bailing then would only worsen his depression.

Answer 7

I feel for you, really. But he needs to quit moping, quit feeling sorry for himself, and quit being so selfish (for his own survival as well as your own). It's been roughly 3 months. What happened to him is just part of life, he can't spend any longer feeling sorry for himself that it didn't turn out the way he wanted. It's time for him to settle for a more achievable job for the time being. Encourage him by telling him it doesn't have to be forever, but that he needs something to keep him going while he continues his search and devotion toward a dream job.
What if students in college refused to work because they weren't at the educational level yet to have that dream job they're shooting for? They wouldn't have any money for college/living, and they wouldn't have any experience that employers look for. They settle until they've earned their place in the world.

I hate to set a time limit on this; it's really up to you. If he persists in this attitude, you need to face it for what it is; it's immaturity, it's selfishness no matter how caring he is in other fields, and it's just plain self pity. He's spending more time and energy feeling sorry for himself than he is taking care of himself, let alone you. All the pretty words in the world wont change that. He needs to get his rear in gear. Try not to be blinded by his sweetly spoken promises; actions speak louder than words in this case. Leave the situation when he shows no sign of change.

Answer 8

You stated "I love him a lot but the relationship has become loveless" A little contradicting don't you think? If you really love him then be patient. If you don't..... take care of yourself and your child, and let him climb out of the hole he has fallen into on his own.

Answer 9

Try to stick around but I know what you mean sooner or later you are going to get tired of just sticking around for him. Talk to him about it. Maybe he doesnt even realize the way he is being with you. I always noticed that they never realize that they are doing something wrong until you tell them. So my best advice would be to talk to him.

Answer 10

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