How can I get my son to listen to me?

Question

I am a single mother in college and when I am around my son which is most of the time when I am not in school. He is 4 years old and very distructive. always trying to tare something up. when I try to get him to listen he either ignores me or he just argues with me...I have tried time out and standing in the corner gotten loud and taken away his favorite toy. Nothing seems to work. Help!

Answer 1

MY SON IS 4 AS WELL. HE DOESN'T LIKE TO LISTEN TO ME AS WELL. SO I JUST UNPLUGGED THE CABLE CARD FROM HIS TELEVISON IN HIS ROOM. HE HATES IT, BUT I'M TRYING TO MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND AFTER A CERTAIN NUMBER OF WARNING YOU GET SOMETHING TAKEN AWAY. YOU CAN ALSO ASK THE PEDIATRICIAN WHAT MIGHT HELP OUT.

Answer 2

Tell the child in clear and simple language what is OK and what is not OK. It is important that expectations are consistent from one day to the next and that the various adults who care for a child agree on what the rules and expectations will be.

*Teach the child WHY a behavior is not acceptable. (For very young children, reasons will need to be very simple, e.g., "The stove is hot," or "That hurts the kitty," or "That will break.")

*Especially in a dangerous situation (e.g., a child dashing into the street), firmly move the child to safety and use your tone of voice to let the child know how serious the situation is. Assuming that a parent normally speaks in an ordinary tone of voice, rather than yelling and nagging, a raised voice and frown will catch the child's attention. A swat on the bottom adds nothing to the message.

*When a child breaks a known rule, swiftly impose a consequence. Depending on the age of the child, appropriate consequences might include a timeout (sitting on a chair for a brief time) or loss of a privilege. If too much time lapses between the mistaken behavior and the consequence, the child will miss the message you're trying to teach.

*Finally, and probably most important of all, CATCH THE CHILD BEING GOOD! The most effective child-rearing practice of all is letting children know when they're doing what's right.

Answer 3

Sounds like there's an awful lot of punishing going on. You haven't mentioned you reward him when he does well and it's hard to give advice based on the limited information.
Children (particularly little boys) need routine. How is his routine? Does he know what to expect from his day? From his time with you? Does he have something to look forward to? Does he have someone he trusts looking after him when you're gone? Do YOU trust this person? Is he receiving enough attention when you ARE home (sounds like you're not there a lot, but I could be wrong). Also if you're studying at home when he's awake, then that's more attention taken away from him. Try studying when he's asleep - and make sure his sleep time is at a reasonable hour - kids need their sleep (around 7.30 - 8pm, no later). This child sounds like he's crying out for attention. I would suggest trying some DEDICATED play time (perhaps an hour a day), where YOU suggest the activity, but from a negotiated list. Compile a reasonable list together (getting kids to choose can really be difficult - and sometimes expensive - to fulfill if decided at the last second). Give him the choice of a handful of activities - crafts, read to him, outside games, etc. Watching telly is NOT an option - he needs YOUR input. Interaction, where you speak to him and LISTEN to him will do the world of good. Just telling him what to do, ordering him around when he's receiving no validation (again, I'm not sure this is happening, but based on the behaviour you're describing) will fall on deaf ears - he's not a dog (and I'm not accusing you of treating him as such, but it's best to mention all these things, just in case). If you treat him the way you yourself appreciate being treated (being listened to and validated) it will change a normal child's behaviour around.
When I say normal - if none of this works after a few months, then perhaps take him to a behaviour therapist - he might have learning/attention difficulties.
Consistency is ABSOLUTELY the key. Trying this for one day and giving up if it doesn't work straight away mustn't happen. This must be a regimen that is implemented and stuck to. When he understands the routine, then he'll settle down and know what to expect. YOu'll probably find that he'll settle very quickly though. At the moment he's probably feeling out of control and the only control he has is your response to his naughty behaviour. Try SuperNanny's tactic of listing what's going to happen each day. It'll help you know what you're doing as well and him knowing what to expect.
As for the tearing up/destructiveness, when he does it, don't snatch it away and berate him heatedly. Instead, take if from him calmly and distract him with something that's more practical. If you give him a response that gently corrects him "no, sweetheart, don't do that. Why don't you try this instead", will make both of you happier.
Visit the attached site - it's an excellent resource.
Good luck!

Answer 4

my 4 year old used to be the same i had him riding his bike out the gate in the morning while i was asleep

i tried it all too and nothing seemed to work so i had to get harsh he got told if he didn't listen and do what he was told he could go to his room and he will get the belt i know this may sound harsh but it worked. Yes he got the belt only once not hard just to let him know i mean business and now he is so much better

tough love is sometimes the best way but remember that there is a difference between tough love and abuse i would never hurt my son that badly only a gentle tap to start with

Answer 5

Consistency!!!!!

keep the same routine and same discipline. also...PRAISE him when he IS good. you can't just punish punish punish and then not praise the good behavior. kids desire attention, and if the only FULL attention you give him is when he is being punished, guess what? he will act accordingly. punishments such as time out or what not should not last more than 20 mins. since a child that young doesn't have a very long attention span or memory. it would be like if someone took something away from you because of your behavior and then 4 months later asked you to recall why the thing was taken. they can't connect the dots after a certain amount of time. of course their attention gets better w/age, and should be adjusted accordingly.

give him choices! children this age are exploring their Independence. they want to have some sort of control of their situation and environment. to be told NO don't touch that, NO don't do that, NO NO NO...all day is frustrating!
instead of saying NO. say...Would you like to color, or would you like to help mommy over here?
give him a choice. it gives him that since of being IMPORTANT and of being in control of the situation at hand.
patients is the key.
i know how hard it can be to be a single mother...i was one w/ my son for years before i got remarried.

Answer 6

All i know is you need to be firm with him and once you say something do it! Don't go back. He may be wanting attention. Try giving him some one on one time with him. Maybe he feels with you in school now that the only way to get your attention is by being destructive and he's feeding off the bad behavior. Another thing to do is if you have time watch -Nanny 911 or supernanny, I learned a lot from the show. It works. Also make sure when you talk to him you get down at .his level and talk to him and be serious. Let him kow you mean business!!Good luck! I was a single mom in college to with a 2 year old so i know what your going through, good luck...

Answer 7

Nothing seems to work because you keep changing it. Either stand him in a corner and CONTINUE TO DO SO or do something and CONTINUE TO DO SO. You're not consistent. Furthermore, 4 year olds don't THINK like adults and don't care much for lectures, or long winded explanations as to WHY they are in time out...etc. They also don't have very long memories. What you told a 4 year old 10 minutes ago is forgotten. It is called being CONSISTENT and having PATIENCE. If you choose not to use either of those you will continue to have problems.

Answer 8

It sounds like your 4 year old is crying out for attention and is getting it the wrong way. Ask your self how much quality time do you get with him? Like getting down on the floor and building with blocks, reading books, coloring, making playdough or playing with it, painting, going to the park, age appropriate games, finger plays, singing dancing, arts and crafts, praying catch, ect...Being a single mom and going to school is hard. And takes alot out of you I understand. Your mind is preocupied all the time I imagine. And you must be tired all the time. But...Now you have a son that needs your attention. He is not listening to you because you haven't invested in the relationship. It goes both ways. Ask your self how many times do you say "no" to him in a day versus talking to him and playing with him? If the answer is more no's than your son is acting out for possitive attention. Try this and I promise his attitide will change. every day play with him 15 to 20 minutes and you will see the drastic change.

Answer 9

errr...
i am not an expert but i can tell u that ur son doesn't feel u are his mother. Let him feel that u really love him as a mother. I mean let him see that u are sacrificing something for him. For example: you ask him to go to any place (affordable and make sense) that he wanted and after that u must ask how much he like this place and did he love u and other question that touch his heart. Juz give it a try at least once.

Answer 10

Be consistant and spend good quality time with him. If kids feel ignored when you are with them, they act out. Try to read and play games with him often. It means a lot and kids are more apt to listen to you, they respect you more and they know you love them.