I feel like a horrible girlfriend! Your opinion please?

Question

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 28. He and I met online, but where we come from...that's thought of as weird, so we still don't tell people how we really met. We have been together a year and its a long distance relationship, but in less than a month...he's supposed to move to be with me. However, he has not yet met my parents because we were both real nervous because he's so much older than myself and he's Hispanic(a big issue for my mom). My parents are very strict and protective with me, I'm the only child. I knew they would have a problem with it. So we put off the meeting and now it's been too long. In the midst of it all, he and I have had a few arguments and they were really bad and now my mom thinks he's a horrible guy and so does my aunt. I used to tell people about my relationship with him, but people were never positive about it...they called me stupid and said he was cheating which is not true. So I just kept things about my relationship to myself

My parents hear me crying and all, so of course they will think he's a bad guy..but whenever they do say something, I take up for him. I just felt like he needs to sit down with them tell them everything about himself and all to redeem himself. He's mad at me and he's like "Why dont you talk about me to them?" and I took insult to that as if I'm ashamed of him, I just don't mention him because I don't think they really like him too much right now and its uncomfortable I guess. No matter how I come to his aid, she still remembers that one night and she doesn't really like him. I know once they meet him they will know him and love him. He's like "I tell everyone about you!" and I'm like yeah "You're 30 years old almost. No one in your life is negative as my friends and family and determined to tell you this relationship wont work. His mother and I talk all the time, she loves me. She calls me!" Also..no one has a problem because they have nothing to think bad about me, he gave my family

a reason to think bad about him that one time, although he isn't a horrible person at all. It was all a mistake and we both realize it...but am I a horrible girlfriend? I just want him to meet my parents first....because right now...things are not on a clean slate...I want him to sit down with them and give them his entire bio, what he's about, and redeem himself in their eyes so that they know he's the great man that I think he is.

My parents wont care about anything I have to say nice about him or care about anything I say because they already don't like him. I'm not ashamed of him...he's my best friend and my pride and joy. I used to tell all my friends about him before they started being so negative(he and I have actually met!!) and he tels me I'm the one for him and my friends are like "Whatever. It wont work. Im not coming to the wedding." THATS WHY I STOPPED TELLING PEOPLE or HE'S TOO OLD FOR YOU..I'm old enough to make my own decisions on who is too old for me and who isnt...I'm so in love with him....I've told my cousin(she met him)...my grandmother and stuff about him...and my aunt knows about him, but she doesnt ask about him too much anymore after the big fight he and I had when she was at my house.

hahahaha. He's Puerto Rican...however, I'm a multiracial although my mother is black from the South...and she thinks Hispanic men are abusive and cheaters...

Honestly, I've been afraid of their reaction because I never fight with my parents, we just live together harmoniously, but I'm willing to leave everything for him. That's just how much he means to me, I don't want my family in my business...its mainly my mom and she can be very opinionated when it comes to whom I date. In the past, I listened...but not now...I'd love to start things over and give him a new slate with everything....

Answer 1

Sweetheart I dont think you are. However you need to put in effort also. Me and my bf met online too. We knew each other for nearly 2 years before we met. We were like close online buddies but we met and for some crazy reason, we just fall in love when we see each other and spend time together. It is a long distance rship and yes i know what you mean by its uncomfortable telling others how you guys met. I stayed honest so far. I dont think your age difference is alot. It is only 8 years babe! And seriously the one wth problem is your mom, I dont see why race is such an issue. Ive been dating guys of diff race and religion for the past 7 years plus and Im loving it. Babe, you gotta decide what you want. Dont be swayed by others views and opinions. Sit down and ask yourself how much you really love him and do you believe in the rship so much that ya willing to fight for it? If its a yes, have a talk with your mom and aunt. You should present yourself as a grown up and make them hear your point of view. Talk with them maturely and tell them, you have to make decisions in your life and you need their support and love too. Let me know how it goes ok? :)

Answer 2

It sounds like you're not being horrible but your parents are. They
aren't giving a guy chance who they've never met before. It seems to me like you two really like each other and your parents shouldn't really get in the way. But then again when he does meet your parents if he really is a nice guy which it sounds like he is he will impress the parents, your parents need to realise that they've never met the guy! How can they judge him? Is it cause he's Hispanic? Is that some type of stereotype they've got on him? Try talking to your mom about giving him a chance.
I'm sure he won't be rude and stuff infront of them, thats the only reason they shouldn't let you two be together but from the sounds of it, he sounds right for you. But the parents are right about one thing, you can't move in with him if you've never met him in real? Meet up and start again in real this time & if it works, then bring the parents in.

Answer 3

There is way too much drama and intensity here. There are too many issues . He wants to go forward and let everyone know about the relationship. You know how your parents will react. The two of you are arguing now even though its a long distance relationship. Somehow, your aunt thinks this is her business too. Somehow, even though they don't know him, they believe him to be a cheater. Where did that come from?? Really, I don't know if this is salvageable. Also, I really don't believe you are truly ready to be in a committed relationship because your family is insisting on being in that relationship, too. . That seems to be a big part of the problem

Answer 4

I dont think you're a horrible girlfriend but you arent being much of a daughter. Your parents have legitimate concerns obviously. You're not as wise and capable at 20 as you might think, and just imagine what you would be thinking if you had a daughter who met some guy online and was going to set up house with him. If a lot of people seem to think hes not a great guy then maybe that should be telling you something that you cant see right now clearly.

Answer 5

Now gurl you got it tight. What I think you should do is tell your family that you love him. Take up for him. And second of all you need to let him sit and talk with your parents. Tell them they've just got to except the fact that you guys are in love. And last but not least tell him the truth about the fact that your parents dont like hispanics. If he leaves because he's offended, he just wasn't right for you, and if he accepts that then you know you got it good. If it turns out that he leaves then dont cry and worry, gurl i know your beautiful. And always remember that beauty comes from the inside and not always the out. Chow Honey Good Luck!

Answer 6

Erica. there are obviously a few red lights going off. We all want to be loved, and the fact that you met on line, .. it is so easy to get along in a letter. If you are afraid of backing out ..don't be. Tell him when he moves here to be with you , you need him to get his own place for a while, so you can date, and really get to know each other.
My biggest fear for you, is that maybe just maybe, your mom and aunt sense something, ( being older than you ) I was in an abusive relationship once when I was young , and I just wanted to be loved, i was stupid at the time,You are 20? what a wonderful age to get out and about and meet lots of people, and date around for a while, before you settle for some one you Harley know.

Answer 7

i went through something similar, i met my boyfriend online. he lived across the country. people told me i was crazy, but he moved across the country for me. my parents would never have approved of my decision, but i don't regret it one bit. while we were long-distance dating, i had people tell me he was using me, cheating on me, and all kinds of stuff. but you know what, i followed my instinct and trust for him. you know what, you're 20 that's old enought o make your own decision about racism. and if they're overprotective, break free and do what you think is right for you. and don't be ashamed of your relationship. it's not so different than meeting someone in a coffee shop, or at a bus stop. my boyfriend and i have been together for about 2 years, and i'm not afraid or ashamed to tell everyone where we met

Answer 8

Sounds like you're a great guy but if she says don't try so hard it's probably because she cares about you and doesn't you worrying too much.. If I were you I would tone it down just a BIT don't completely stop caring about her but lessen the amount you do those kind of nice things for her.

Answer 9

If you're going to date someone, then do it openly and don't keep secrets from other people. If you are ashamed to date him, you shouldn't date him. That's cruel, especially since he's relocating to be near you. If you're going to listen to people's realistic concerns about meeting people online and the difficulties of dating someone who is much older, then fine. But if you're going to keep secrets about your boyfriend because of what your racist and bigoted family members think, you should be ashamed of yourself and probably aren't prepared (mature enough) to be in a comitted, honest relationship. Do him a favor before he moves and break up with him, but if you do be sure to be truthful and tell him exactly why you're ashamed to talk about him. Don't make up any excuses to make yourself sound better or feel better.

Answer 10

I suggest you let him meet your parents. Since they are not going to be rude to him there and then it should go okay. It should be over dinner so akward silences would be kept to a minimum.

Then deal with their objections after, but you are 20 and explain to your parents that you want to make your own mistakes. Explain that you genuinly love him and he loves you and what you love about him.